When you rediscover an old song you would listen to a lot and it brings back old memories and feelings you have forgotten about. I can't explain well enough how much it hurts for something you don't think about come back up. An argument that you had three years ago coming back to mess up your relationships. This ranges from my mom, to my depression time, to my step dad, to when Zeus and I stopped being friends. And, under the roof of Imagine Dragons.
"I'm So Sorry," reminds of how angry I can get at my step dad, but more so how some of the things he does makes me feel unloved. The things he says to me as he claims he's trying to make me stronger just hurts. Bad. It feels like he doesn't love me. "The son of a step father... I'M SO SORRY," just means so much to me. I feel like he always blames me anytime anything goes wrong or if my baby brother gets hurt. One time Trevir fell when they were watching TV and busted his lip. I was in the middle of cooking and I couldn't watch him and I told them that. Still, when he got hurt for tripping on the end of a chair... which I couldn't have prevented, that look I got from my step dad destroyed me inside.
"Polaroid," is even more complicated. "I'm a shut up, sit down," is how my dad's side of my family has always made me feel. Not so much anymore, but before I would be judged for everything I did. If you listen to the song and keep in the mind of being judged, having family members that are pedestals compared to others who are way underneath, and my mental health "I'm a head case," you'll see how the song relates to me. I love them, but how some of them just judge me over and over hurts.
"Release," is another one that hits hard. To me it's like finally wanting to let go after years of torment which is how I felt during my depression a few years back. I didn't go so far as WANTING to kill myself, but it crossed my mind. That was a bad time in my life. First off, I was losing my mind, and secondly I was failing school. I couldn't keep up with an online school. It's hard enough having to do eight hours of work, but also to do about that much in videos you have to watch.. and even then I just didn't get the concept of half the things I had "learned,".
"Dream," makes me think that life just isn't real. Which is how I feel sometimes. Like, I'm in a computer of some sort and this is all an illusion. I don't want it to be like that. "Monster," reminds me of a time where I felt like I was going to turn into a serial killer. I mean.. I worried about it. I worried that my mental health would take control and there wouldn't be any me left. Just someone who has no care for the people I once loved. So far that hasn't happened, but I still worry....
"My Fault," is just between me and Zeus when we got into this really big fight that ended our friendship. It sort of turned into a whole thing where I kind of chose someone else over him. I was also mad at him though for making me choose in the first place. Or some of the other things he did to me. I felt like it was my fault for ending our friendship last time I heard this song, but now I'm acually angry that I let him win every single argument we ever had especially the big one where HE MADE ME CHOOSE. He's my best friend, and I won't bring this up, because I don't want him to get upset, but this is a feeling that came back to me.
So Imagine Dragons hits hard for me. Some of their songs bring back feelings. I feel like I've opened part of pandora's box and now all those feelings that I locked away are rushing back. And, instead of being sad like I was... I'm seriously angry. I may have made a lot of mistakes, but I been wronged too and now it's coming back to making me angry. I love all the people I mentioned in this blog, but that doesn't make the anger any less. I didn't forget that I would come home crying from my grandparents, or feeling upset when Logan would say something mean, or how hurt I felt when my mom went to prison. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings, but they're here and I have to deal with them.
No comments:
Post a Comment