Oh, Nuts!

My immediate family and a family friend just all went to a Nutcracker event with at least thirty different human-sized nutcrackers that are each themed differently. There was a Clark Kent one that I got picture of me fistbumping. It went pretty well. Anatomy was cold as she's not used to it being so cold as she's from down south. I was in short though and to me it wasn't that cold. I think it made a good family event.

Nutcrackers have always meant a lot my family. We used to have a neighbor who would bring over candy to me every time he got the chance. The problem is; I didn't eat much candy. I would barely eat any sweets growing up. Cookies would go bad. There was this time where I found a green cookie and I thought it went bad, but acually it meant I won a gamecube. That's how I got into playing video games. Sort of. There is more to that story, but it had to do with my step dad's kids trying to play with me and it made me jump in. I didn't get really into gaming until I met the wonderfulness that is Pokemon. 

I'm getting off base. There was this neighbor who would bring over candy. Well, I guess he found out that I didn't like candy. So for Christmas one year he brought me a nutcracker. I found out he loved nutcrackers. From that day forth I always wanted to buy him one. I did. But, it was too late. After we bought it, years passed and we kept forgetting to take it to him. Eventually he passed away and we never got to give it to him. It was the first time I knew someone who died, but at this point I hadn't seen him in years and wasn't as effected to it. 

Still, when I was going through my depression a few years back I put the nutcracker in room and it made me feel safe. Sort of like how I sleep with my grandfather's blanket now. It was like I could feel the energy coming off of it. That's something I noticed about myself. If something is or was important to me at one point I can still feel the power radiating off of it. I can't quite explain it, but it makes me feel good. I think it's like how some people feel about seeing a picture of a good day. 

Last week my mom and I were rearranging the living room and the nutcracker came crashing down. It's hat, which was part of it's body, broke apart. It was like all that energy just emerged from it. I want to put it back together and see if that energy comes back. I feel like death is hard for me because there is always unfinished business. With my dog I went to my nanny's while it died in it's sleep and I always felt bad for leaving it behind. With my grandfather I always wanted to take him out to eat where he always takes me. Except I never did. And, with this neighbor I never got to give him his nutcracker. 

I don't know what happened, but as I said in my last blog, I've opened pandora's box. Zeus always told me that if I stuffed my feelings into a box that eventually it would explode. Now I have these feelings flowing through me of all the things I tried my best to not think about. I feel like I have so much unfinished business now with the dead and the living. Things I just don't know how to let go off... I need release, but I'm stuck.