My Kryptonite

Everyone has a weakness. Something that can make them collapse in agony, or maybe just cripples their ability to write a research paper. I tend to have many, but the main one is the dreadful.. clang, of metal or glass objects clanning together. Even the thought of pulling two forks out of each other makes me want to throw up and just sends me into panic. So when it comes down to someone washing dishes, I'm forced to leave the room. Even sitting a room away with music going crazy and the TV on I still can hear it and it still... utterly destroys my soul.

I don't know what does this. When I was younger a kid once told me that it was because the demon inside of me didn't react well to high pitched sounds. I've also been told it's because I'm autistic, even if I'm high functioning, and that bad sounds can send me in a flurry. It doesn't feel fair that I can't even wash my own dishes at risk of hearing that.. sound. There is the fact that I suck at washing any dishes. I always end up soaked... and that's not fun when you do it in your cooking class and everyone laughs.

We all know school wasn't easy for me. I wasn't exactly bullied, but I had a lot of people think down on me. That whole "Hey.. buddy.." thing the popular kids would do that not only puts me down, but shows that they don't even know my first name. Of course, in the case I'm talking about it was just the person being nice, but the way they said it made me see how lower of a level I was to them. We were in the same grade level at the time. Still...

He wasn't wrong. I am at a lower level. I don't do sex, or violence, or gore like most of the people my age. I did go to a party once, but we been over that. I think because I'm autistic that I'm a few years behind everyone else. I think I'm more like fourteen then eighteen. That age group where you're just discovering sexual feelings and finding that your friends aren't as close to you as you thought. It's when you spend more time in your room, and when you discover the beauty of music. Basically the start of being a teenager.

I never got to go through Freshman year. So when I went back to public school at the end of my Sophomore year, most of which I spent my school days at a mental hospital, and so went into my Junior year not knowing anything about high school. It took me a while to make friends and I never really recognized that whole "clicks," thing. I been to a bunch of schools and I never knew any of them had it. I see on TV where you have the jocks, nerds, etc but I didn't recognize any of it. I obviously knew when someone in a football jersey was a football player, but I didn't know who was friends with who. And, I didn't remember enough of who was who to care.

Basically I feel like I'm not "there yet," on the whole "normal," level. The problem is it's a false reality if I believe that's ever going to happen. I'm not normal and I have to accept that. I have a mental disorder and side effects from my medications that may mean I can never work, have sex, hang out with more then one or two friends, go to college, or even start a family. Not all things I necessarily want, but...

I mean I can't even take a walk usually without getting scared. Actually, some night I can't even walk through the house without the feeling like she's behind me and about to get me. It's a hallucination I have that has actually attacked me. I think we covered that though. I'm just saying that I'm not exactly your normal human and I shouldn't have high hopes of ever being so. Thinking that one day I'll be covered in Kryptonite and the next I'll be in the clear is false hope. I need to think smaller right now and focus on the the big things like working or college at a later time.