This is seriously the most annoying question anyone can ask me. "How are you?" because usually they don't actually want me to tell them exactly how it isn't going so great, but still I feel forced to say, "Good,". My brother just had his birthday party and a lot of my family came and I kept getting asked that question. I mean at least I'm not as bad as I was before, and I'm on the road to recovery. So when I say "good," I sort of mean it. At least I did today.
I mean Pokemon just came out with a new game and I been informed I'll be getting the new Nintendo Switch around the time it comes unlike the Wii U where I waited till a year before it stopped production. I'm in a support group that I'm really excited for. And, my medication is finally working. Even though I still has Jason and the squiggles and.. well.. I just haven't been getting scared as much. I used to have paranoia attacks, but they have seemed to come to a stop with this medication.
No, I didn't say "panic attack.". I said "paranoia attack." and they aren't in any way the same thing. A panic attack, for me anyway, is like when I'm in a crowded hallway and surrounded by people and I have a test coming up and... I end up pacing in the bathroom instead of taking my test. A panic attack is where you have trouble breathing and you feel grounded like you can't escape. What I'm talking about is completely different. When I get paranoid I go completely numb and can't make sense of my surroundings. I will commonly find myself unable to stop laughing and sometimes pacing back and forth for hours at a time. Yes, in both I pace, but in a panic attack I feel stuck while in a paranoia attack I feel like I could simply float away.
I decided that I'm not able to work, right now. I talked it over with any online friend who explained to me that with all my issues and current side effects that I should build my way back up before I try working again. School nearly killed me, especially high school. I never fit in and didn't have a lot of friends, so I ended up with one in my head. I would avoid people at school because the voice wanted me to be alone. That was 6th grade. As much as I love music now, I only really ever got into music to silence the voice.
I'm saying that life hasn't been easy. I've always been the outcast and then with my mental health issues and being at an online school I felt completely alone. It drove me nuts. I was seeing manikin head EVERYWHERE I looked. I couldn't look away without seeing those bodiless girls with the bleeding eyes. Then we somehow got bed bugs. We lived in a big city, it happens, but nobody believed me. It was only in my room and nobody was getting bit except for me... I was failing school so much that I stopped trying, hallucinating out of control, and being bitten by bed bugs all day long as I mostly stayed in bed... and nobody knew. For almost an entire year I went through that and it nearly destroyed me.
So when I told my therapist how I felt he decided it would be best to put me in a support group. I only went once so far, but I actually really like it. I just want to fit in somewhere and that may be one of the only places I can find. I think it's a good thing for me to talk about my problems, but it'll take me a few sessions before I can do so openly. I have said it so many times that talking about some of my hallucinations or side effects doesn't bother me, but some of the harder ones are really hard for me to talk about. Even typing them out for only myself is near to impossible right now, because I'll start to get really scared and then I won't sleep and uh... maybe talking about it in a safe room with a bunch of others around me where they're giving me advice will help?
So basically the question that everyone asks if "Are you okay?" and the answer is always yes even though deep inside it's obviously a "no,". I have gone through alot in my life with my mental health and other events such as my mom going to prison, almost drowning when I was eight or nine, and other events that made me who I am today. I will be able to get past all of this, but I think it'll take months of therapy and proper medication as well as self improvement before I'm ready to jump into the workforce. One step at a time....
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