This is officially my favorite title ever. One of things I dealt with growing up was thinking that I had psychic abilities. I mentioned this before, but now I'm going to go into more detail. Anatomy, my sister who is staying with us for a few months until she returns to Texas, has a set of tarot cards she has where she sometimes does my future. And, most of the time it happens to be on the spot. Basically what mine said this time around was tell me to take my time with my support group and not to overwhelm myself with writing projects again. It also told me I need to finally let go of a project that is holding me back. The card actually said that, it was pretty crazy.
It's weird because I used to have this really big project called Open World. It was an RP and book series I worked hard on for about two years when it failed it utterly crushed me. I stopped writing for a few months. A lot of that had to do with my medication as well which was making me depressed, but that project is what was holding me back. As much I want to finish it, I realized it's too much to handle and have finally decided to let it go.
The point of this blog is when Anatomy does her card trick I can feel the energy coming off of them. I don't necessarily think that I have psychic abilities, but that everyone does and mine are just more connected. I think this is because of how I still have a lot of my innocence and thus never outgrew my psychic urges. I think it has something to do with Jason. An online friend once said that Jason could be my intuition taking form as a voice. It would make sense if not for the power he has over me....
So sometimes I get sexual thoughts and lately when I try to act on them in the slightest I get this killer headache that forces me to sleep. I nearly callaposed earlier from it. I explained it, in simpler terms, to my mom, but she didn't have an answer for me. It's not the normal headache that I get, but instead one that likes something in my brain just popped. I just got over the whole feeling guilty of having sexual thoughts and got the point where I want to discover my sexuality and now if I think too many of these thoughts I get sick.
That's what makes me think that something is wrong in my head. I hallucinatie, have a voice, massive headaches, don't think sexual thoughts normally, and possible all because of psychic abilities. If I could access the rest of these abilities then I might be able to put a stop to all the side effects. Or maybe the psychic abilities are in fact a effect in itself. Like, all of it is because I have something physically wrong with my head. Like, I'm broken.
I feel like I can't have sex because of this. Like, I'm not allowed to think normal thoughts. I hit my head that day where I almost drown and I now wonder if I broke something inside of it. Because after that point I went to middle school and started hearing Jason. I don't know if I'm psychic for say, but I can say that something is definitely wrong. I should be able to think sexual thoughts without having a killer migraine kick in. It's like I'm hit with a hammer. It's like Jason doesn't want me to think sexual thoughts, but then again...
I have a confession to make. Jason is usually the one who walks me through sexual thoughts. When he went away for those few months I didn't think anything sexual much at all, and didn't/don't much to begin with. Even when I did, I didn't know what to do with myself. Jason is the one who walked me through everything. So I think this headache might be either psychic powers coming through, Jason fighting back or torturing me, a side effect from my meds, or possibly it's just how my brain is wired.
What if it's just how my brain works? If I'm just physically unable to think a certain way and trying has a painful result? If I'm not exactly asexual... because I do think sexual thoughts, just not usually about other people. Most sexual thoughts I have are Jason telling me I have to do something like be nude in public or I'll turn on the cold water slightly in the shower. It's not like I'm imagining juggling boobs. Trust me, I've tried, it just never worked. So I'm thinking that maybe I'm just wired a certain way and that is just the way the world works for me.
That is totally unfair. I don't like kids much, but that doesn't mean I don't ever want to start a family. Maybe I would love my own kids. I love my brother, after all. We fight a lot though and I don't trust myself with raising a child. Not to mention that I can't have sex. Not only do I feel it's gross, but I also don't like touching people and if so, only for a short amount of time. Hugs are hard, really hard. Thirdly, I'm not attracted to either gender in the slightest. And, fourthly I'm having physical pain when I try. Pain that lasts a long, long time.
I'm hoping I can figure this all out one day. I have a few people I can ask, but it's embarrassing. I mean.. anything sexual is embarrassing. Everyone knows I don't think of either gender as "hot," so it's weird for anyone to think that I think sexual thoughts at all. Nobody really understands. I just wish there was someone out there who felt the same way I did. I never been in a real relationship before... I wonder what it's like?
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