Fire In My Belly

I'm really angry right now. Like, want to punch something or just scream. There really isn't any reason why I just tend to get angry from time to time. Like, I have ups and downs and then this. I can go from really high on excitement or really sad to an intense fire in my belly that makes me want to quit everything and just explode. I have a few things I could be upset about, but nothing that should make me this mad. I surly have anger issues and I need to get to the bottom of them.

The problem now that makes me want to smash apart my computer is that I can't find the write song to listen to. I keep shuffling through and everything sounds terrible, even though most of them were favorites of mine at some point. Now I finally found a good song and my two year old brother is leaving me alone and I'm coming down from my anger rush. My head hurts. My ears mostly. I'm coming down with a sickness and it's super frustrating.

What else makes me mad is the fact that I'm trying to type and I'm thinking too fast and my hands can't keep up. Then they start flinching and that just puts me over the top. I want to just write, but I can't focus. I can't even play a video game during this time because I'm afraid of breaking something. Ever few minutes my hands will cramp and I'll let out a little whimper without meaning to. So I'm just plain mad. I just don't have a good reason to be.

Well, there is a few little things that are bothering me other then what I listed. How about the people who said they were my friends barely message me? I don't mean Zeus or some of my online friends. I'm talking about those who I befriended such as Poseidon or Reed who just never seem to message me anymore. Or maybe it has to do with the lack of communication from my father. I got one message from him in past two months and it had to do with him canceling our halloween plans to pass out candy together.

Maybe, it has to do with my mother wanting to have another baby while I can barely handle the toddler that's in the house now. He's so loud and is always hurting me. I don't want another version of him. He's enough as it is. And, he never leaves me alone! I just don't think I can take a second him. I know that doesn't sound very good, but last time I went into the hospital was because I was afraid I was going to hurt him because of how angry he makes me. Usually it's not even him, but just this intense anger that overcomes me. I'm still scared of what I'd do if I accidently lashed out.

So I don't know what I'm going to do about my anger. I should bring it up to my therapist, but we're already focusing on so many other things... Like, important things. I have "emergency sessions," that they scheduled that are only a half hour long to make sure I'm seeing him every other week because I'm "at risk,". He talked me into joining a support group, and I should be going to my second session tomorrow, but I'm skipping out due to feeling ill. I just don't feel like talking... so I'll go the week after Thanksgiving. I hope I can quell this fire in my belly before it explodes...!