The Last of the First

It's been a little while since I've last blogged and I blame it on my boring summer. For most of my summer I literally laid under the covers in my bed playing Sims. I didn't even get to see Zeus until yesterday and I'm worrying I'm on the nerve of outgrowing my best - and only - friend. Or perhaps I've outgrown school all together and are ready for it and the stress to end. It's the was the last of first days.

The first big bad thing is I have to take two maths this year, and it's really upsetting because I don't know Algebra 1 core information so struggling with both Geometry and Algebra 2 will be a true challenge. I understand why people drop out their senior year now. It all boils down to the stress that's put on us that really wrecks our lives. If we make one big mistake it's all over and I'm nothing, but mistakes.

The second plot twist is we're losing our house and it looks like our next "home," will be an abandoned boat shop. It's not that I'm not thankful for someone allowing us to live in a shop for a cheap price, but.. really? I'm supposed to just be completely okay with this huge downgrade and expect to remain sane after spending every waking hour without any privacy? Because that's the life I'm about to live.

I don't mean to come off rude, but I'm angry at the world right now. I feel like the odds are stacked against me and my only chance now is to leap off that edge I'm ever so being pushed towards and accept my fate of living on disability without any chance at a job, a relationship, or friends. I don't even know if I want any of those things anymore, all I want is to find my dark corner of the world and conceal myself in it.

This story can go many ways, but everyone has a destiny and mine is to fall through the cracks into the forgotten abyss. And, it's making me furious that after all my hard work of making it through school, fighting back the hallucinations, and forcing myself through every day of life pretending that I'm okay... for what? I don't understand what the point is anymore if all I'm meant to do is disappear anyway.

This may be the last of the first, but it's also the first of my last days. I'm not going to commit suicide. Ever. I don't believe that I should cheat this game called life, it goes against my morals. But, that doesn't mean I'm not sure that I'll eventually get myself killed. It's only a matter of time before one accident turns deadly.