That One About Sexuality

I'm seriously confused on sexuality. I think I have a crush on an actor who's brilliant, funny, and amazing. Damian McGinty is his name. Okay, so his character is and I have no idea about his real life personally but..  I think I may be gay and that's the reason Reed and I connected so much while Gem and I didn't.


It all started when I begun to watch the show Glee a few weeks back, and it's becoming the center of my sexuality. With many sexual girl scenes, I didn't find any of it interesting. But, when this little green leprechaun jumped into my life and now I can't stop thinking about him. Maybe I want so badly for my sexuality to be something real that I'm falling for yet another false alarm, but this one feels real.

Everyone wants me to be straight, so is this my way of rebelling? Or perhaps I just really like the actor like an online friend suggested. I remember really liking an actor, Allison Mack, in the past which made me think I was straight. Or perhaps I felt like I had to like her much like I had with Gem. I want so badly for my sexuality to be decided upon, for me to know, but does it really matter?

My friend Poseidon told me he envies me for my capability to be happy without a relationship in my life. While that is true I wish I had something to get excited about or someone to fall for. I can't get Reed out of my head despite him being out of my life forever. Much like Imagine Dragons song "On Top of the World," where I'm at the top of the world, at the edge, but I'm all alone. Deep down I want to be straight or gay so I can at least have hope of loving someone one day. I let Reed go and now I'm unsure if I'll ever have the chance to find out again.

Slippery Slope

I'm in the middle of an iceberg, on the edge of a slippery slope. I'm back on my music rant again, because this time I'm an inch away from downloading the music I can't normally get. Like, some of my Imagine Dragons old songs they no longer sell. I'm "this close," to finally snapping and grabbing up those songs like a kid in a free candy store. But, it's wrong... right? I mean I used to be able to say the difference when it comes to music and my philosophy was "not to take away from the artists," but if they're not selling it then it isn't really taking away from them.

It doesn't really matter if it's wrong or legal at this point. It matters what I decide to do because it's either something small that effects me non-the-less or it's the push that sends me into a spiral of bad deeds that will eventually turn me evil. Okay, so that's a little over-dramatic, but I think my point is across. It might be something bad and if you continue to do bad things you'll turn bad.

At least that's why I've been told, but what if it's more like paint? I can dabble in the darkness adding a smudge to my picture without covering the entire thing in black paint. If I do something bad here and there I can always cover it up with more colorful colors of creativity, freedom, and good deeds. If it works like this then I can forgive myself for my drinking incident or all the lies I've told in my short life time.

So is it wrong to take things that effects nobody? A piece of candy that went bad, but is still good? Something that nobody wants and will turn to waste? Is it really wrong to steal something that can't be taken any other way? I can't figure this out for myself so I turn to any reader I have to ask for guidance on this dark road. Everyone is telling me to turn to downloading or watching movies illegally like I did before I knew better. Is it really wrong to steal something nobody owns? Is this the iceberg that finally sinks my battleship?

Back To My Roots

I haven't listened to Imagine Dragons in a while as I been obsessed with the amazing band Patent Pending and playing them over and over. But, a new song by Imagine Dragons reminded me why I listened to them and it's because they make me feel in my deep soul. Not to say that Patent Pending doesn't have touching songs, but they're more of fun to listen to. 

Why is this important? Because in my discovery to find myself I need to look back to my roots to remember where I came from. Recently in my blogs I been telling about the past, but I need to start somewhere far before that. Somewhere like... the beginning. Not so far back before I came into existence, not so far in the past to my birth, but to the place it all began.

The first thing I remember is me sitting at my kitchen table petting my small orange cat who would eventually run away. I didn't care about germs, or the human contact. I didn't even have socks or shoes on. It shows how much I've changed for the worse. Now I can't walk around the house without shoes or bump into someone without feeling unconformable. I'm afraid that once I go to my dark corner of the world all my problems will get ever so much worse. 

So in order to become the person I want to be I have to accept the person I used to be. But, how do I do that? Can I just press a button and magically allow myself to slowly be sucked backwards without falling too much into my old ways? While there is some things that are great about my childish roots there are some things I'd rather not repeat. 

I Am Superhero

There is something about superheroes that really sparks my interest. It's not the superpowers, even though I absolutely love the abilities, or the characters. It's not about the mysterious evil villains that come with every superhero story. It's the thrive for Justice and doing what they believe is right and watching them cross that line. If Superman can screw up then perhaps, my mistakes aren't so bad. What if I told you I was a superhero? Well... in a sense. I've saved people, I have a superpower, and I refuse to sell my self short. I refuse to sell my morals for the sake of enjoyment. But, I've covered that before, today I'll cover the other topics. 

As I've mentioned before I used to believe as a kid that I was some sort of mystic because I would have dreams that would eventually come true in some sense. I thought my hallucinations were ghosts, and I'm still not completely convinced otherwise. Soon I'll get into exactly what goes bump in the night, but that's a topic for another day. One time I saved my step father from an impending tree branch that could have killed him. Except Jason told me to go outside, and because of this Jason is my superpower. 

It's true that my greatest gift that sometimes allows me to tell the future is also my greatest weakness as I'm unable to control his rage and his plans. I might be losing my mind or slipping into a psychotic break because I believe in this, but I don't feel I have much other choice. This first occurred when I predicted my aunt's car crash, then my mother's, my father's heart attack, and my step dad's accident in which could have been fatal. I think my family has too many traumatic events...?

It all started on a normal summer afternoon, my mother was taking a nap and my sister Mist was watching TV with her boyfriend. I was watching some YouTube videos laughing until my lungs hurt, but then suddenly I paused the video. Jason started to speak to me and told me to go check on my step dad. A tree then fell on my step father and he was trapped underneath. If I wasn't out there nobody would have known. Nobody even knew he was outside in the first place, I thought he was sleeping with my mom. 

Then after the event my mother said something crazy, "What if Jason caused it?" but now she forgets it even happened. My entire family admitted that day I had some sort of psychic powers, maybe at a joking degree, but nobody recalls it. I understand during a terrible event that the memories get blurred, but to forget saying something right after it happens. Actually everyone always seems to forget.. almost like a crazy conspiracy theory, but I'm not that nuts. 

My mom did have a good point though, what if Jason caused it? One time Jason wanted me to do something and I refused. Within a few hours my mom went to the hospital for weird pregnancy pains. After I told her she claimed to have the pains for days, but chose to not mention it. Lies. She wouldn't keep something that serious from everyone especially after she's had problems having children in the past. 

So is Jason really just running the ropes here? Virus thinks he's an infestation of my intuition meaning I have some sort of psychic ability, but only to a normal extent, and that Jason is just the creation of that for my brain to make sense of it. But, there is something off about Jason that keeps me wondering if he's real or not. Doesn't matter though. I've said it in the past and I'll say it again. It doesn't matter if Jason is real or not, it's what I decide. If he's real, he's already real. If not, he's not. Nothing will ever change that. It's all up to me. 

Down the Hatch

It's time. I've told the tale of the traveling jacket. I've explored my sexuality, religion, and secrets for all the internet to read. But, one thing I've completely left out is the time I tried alcohol and went too far. I mentioned it in one of my very first blogs over seven months ago.

Now don't start ranting about how drinking beer underage is against the law. I'm completely aware. It was wrong of me to do, and I regret every moment of it. But, that doesn't mean it didn't happen. No matter how much you want something to just go away, it can't. Everything that has ever happened is forever written in stone where nothing can ever change it.

It started when my cousins were heading to a small party of about ten people and decided to invite me. At first my obvious answer was a huge, "no," as drinking wasn't really my thing. But, I had a little idea that if I drank enough that the voice in my head would go away. It was worth a shot and perhaps I could make a few new friends too? It all went horribly wrong, and I got what I deserved.

When we arrived nobody was around except the two brothers who owned the house. I was handed a bottled beer and told to drink it. I took a few sips, it tasted terrible. Already my nerves were making me sick to my stomach. After a few hours people started to arrive and I downed a few of those and a few fruity drinks. I pulled out my phone and ran to the bathroom to call home and I tried this multiple times throughout the night, but I couldn't get an service.

I was trapped. Jason was only getting louder in my head. I just couldn't take all the pain and all the lemons that's been threw my way the past few years so I let loose and shotgun a beer. Now I started to feel dizzy and down the hatch went more beer. At some point it became a time where I lost count. I started to have some fun and eventually I crashed on the floor... then the puking started. On and off of throwing up for twelve hours.

So while I learned that drinking doesn't in fact help with mental illness, doesn't make you more popular, doesn't earn you any new friends, and isn't worth it I have to remember that I did have some fun and perhaps when I'm twenty one I'll attempt drinking in moderation for the right reasons. If there ever is a next time I'll know to be more careful, do it with the right people, and to do to have some fun and let loose instead of absolutely snapping. I just worry what my next "snapped," moment will be.

That One About Labels

I absolutely hate labels. My friends keep trying to ask what's wrong with me or what sexuality I have decided on. I don't have those answers, all I know is at this moment in time I'm not interested in intercourse nor have I ever been so. For some reason Zeus and his new friend Poseidon can't accept that about me. They keep wanting to put some sort of label on me. Labels have been haunting me far before my friends as doctors questions which disorders to label me as. Some I completely agree with while others don't make a heap of sense.

Why is everyone labeling each other? What's the point?

I think that people label themselves so they can feel they fit in somewhere. But, someone can like to wear black, but be preppy. Why can't we have a mixture without them becoming outcasts? It seems that the biggest fault of high-school. You're either in a click or you're an outcast. It seems Zeus, Poseidon, and I are all in this group that's outside of the normal groups. Even in our own little click nobody can accept somebody to be different, to be outside of the box.

I'm a high function autistic who never wants to have sex, at least not at this current part of life, while people my age are having children. I'm not your normal average human. I can't stand condiments or sports. I suck at video games, but I'm a very creative soul. I'm obsessed with music to a point where I'm spending any money I get on it and Sims 4. I'm my own person and I don't belong to any labels because nothing will ever perfectly fit me. I'm unique and so is everyone else in the world. Labels don't truly exist.

The Last of the First

It's been a little while since I've last blogged and I blame it on my boring summer. For most of my summer I literally laid under the covers in my bed playing Sims. I didn't even get to see Zeus until yesterday and I'm worrying I'm on the nerve of outgrowing my best - and only - friend. Or perhaps I've outgrown school all together and are ready for it and the stress to end. It's the was the last of first days.

The first big bad thing is I have to take two maths this year, and it's really upsetting because I don't know Algebra 1 core information so struggling with both Geometry and Algebra 2 will be a true challenge. I understand why people drop out their senior year now. It all boils down to the stress that's put on us that really wrecks our lives. If we make one big mistake it's all over and I'm nothing, but mistakes.

The second plot twist is we're losing our house and it looks like our next "home," will be an abandoned boat shop. It's not that I'm not thankful for someone allowing us to live in a shop for a cheap price, but.. really? I'm supposed to just be completely okay with this huge downgrade and expect to remain sane after spending every waking hour without any privacy? Because that's the life I'm about to live.

I don't mean to come off rude, but I'm angry at the world right now. I feel like the odds are stacked against me and my only chance now is to leap off that edge I'm ever so being pushed towards and accept my fate of living on disability without any chance at a job, a relationship, or friends. I don't even know if I want any of those things anymore, all I want is to find my dark corner of the world and conceal myself in it.

This story can go many ways, but everyone has a destiny and mine is to fall through the cracks into the forgotten abyss. And, it's making me furious that after all my hard work of making it through school, fighting back the hallucinations, and forcing myself through every day of life pretending that I'm okay... for what? I don't understand what the point is anymore if all I'm meant to do is disappear anyway.

This may be the last of the first, but it's also the first of my last days. I'm not going to commit suicide. Ever. I don't believe that I should cheat this game called life, it goes against my morals. But, that doesn't mean I'm not sure that I'll eventually get myself killed. It's only a matter of time before one accident turns deadly.