Omac's Log #6

If I had a dollar for every time I've died these few years I'd be able to buy better insurance. Seriously, let's just count a few of them. I've been ripped apart into the void. I've had my heart broken. I ran right into a security fence. Toast Monster hunted and killed! I was hurt. I was beaten. I became a zombie. I was dying. I was crying. Nowhere to run. I was lost. No background music or toast, yeah toast to bust me out. Nothing to eat. Buzz! No sweet shop to save me. Not even toast? No, not even toast. That's so sad... I can't imagine a world without toast. It's not so bad. I mean.. if you don't mind living under a jerk of a ruler. In the end, it was the Dark Writer that killed me. A future version of myself. Now THAT'S deep!

So does that mean we're dead? No, I don't think we are. I can still go back and face the Dark Writer, but... only if I want to. We'll of course you want to go back! They have toast there! I might go back, but I'm not going as Toastman. Wait, what?! So you'd rather be awesome again? Look, you were all fun and amazing parts of myself... I don't think I need you anymore. Let me give you some advice. You can outrun the cheetah, but you can't outsmart the pizza guy. Reverse Mac, that was terrible advice. You'd need super speed to outrun a cheetah! And, what do you have against the pizza guy? Everyone has an arch nemesis. Omac it's your call... We are all versions of you, and we will always be a part of you, but for you to move on you have to let us go. I know... How do you even plan to face the Dark Writer? I'm not sure if I can... The Dark Writer is no different from any of us. He is more than just a possible future for us. He is what we fear of becoming. He is our basement. Then how do I stop him? How do I face the fear of my future? You don't need to stop him... you need to accept him. He is still a part of you. This part that you refuse to let in. You can't let the fear consume you, but you have to accept that you have it.

I don't know... Look, when I used the master pen to rewrite history I was a little freaked too. I didn't know if it would go exactly as planned, but it seemed to go pretty well. Or when I went back in time and accidentally unleashed a demon named Piper. Oh, and Sherlock died, but it was fine. How about when I created a team of breakfast themed superheroes? Sure, Bacon turned on me and the entire team fell apart after only two missions, but it all worked out. Uh... There is the time I opened up a milkshake shop that turned the consumers into zombies. I wonder what ever happened to that serum. If it was allowed to sit over time it could create a whole Apocalypse of zombies. I'd imagine it would start with the Mods... Nah, nothing to worry about! It all worked out. Wait... what?

I think what they're saying is we were never afraid to try. We led the rebellion when Imp took over RPA. We went to the ball with Naraness, and dated Kicks. Didn't they both dump you on the same day? Haha, silly Piper! Hey, have you ever dated somebody? Guys stop! I'm trying to think here. Shush, Toast Monster thinking! How do I know I'm ready to step back out there? How do I know I won't get hurt again? You never know that. You never know if today will be your last. It doesn't really matter, does it? You can't be afraid of the future. You never know what will happen. It could always get better. You missed the PERFECT opportunity to say "it could always get "butter,".

What do I do? One final big musical number?! No... do I go back? Only you can decide that... How do I know I'm ready? How do I know if I'm even me? You were always ready. Life and sickness may have gotten in our way, but all of that was controlled by one thing... stop being afraid. How? How do I just face all my fears? You can't just expect to stop being afraid of everything. You can't ignore your fear. You just have to accept that you're afraid and figure out how to deal with it. Why Omac so scared? I guess I'm just scared of failing... that I'll screw up everything.

Do you really think that's possible? That YOU could be a failure? Look at everything you have done. You graduated high school. You've been member of the month. You wrote an RPA Fanfiction. You've made so many friends! You survived, even when you thought you wouldn't... I did do all those things... You're Omac12! You have gotten through every struggle tossed your way. You squeezed ALL those lemons into lemonade! You were never the hero because you were Toastman. You were the hero because of the hero you are on the inside. You're right... I did a pretty good job... I can't let fear win anymore. I think it's time for me to go home.

The End

Present

Nobody is in the Christmas spirit. My parents being my step dad and mom don't feel in the holiday spirit because they can't exactly afford the type of Christmas they want their children to have. Anatomy just misses her twin brother and having the holidays without him will be hard for her. I'm the only one who is even close to a holiday spirit, after my adventure through time and space with the ghost of Christmas Past, but even now I don't feel much for putting up a tree and putting presents on it. Even my grandmother isn't feeling up to our tradition of doing Christmas eve at her house. It just doesn't feel like Christmas.

My mental health seems to be at a standstill. I don't know how to move on from here. Jason has been quiet and the ghost girl hasn't been torturing me as much. The squiggles continue to be the same. This medication could be working after all. Except some nights I still wake up terrified to get out of bed to go to the bathroom or get a drink or pace. Still, it seems to be doing some improvements so my doctor decided to up the medication. Any day now I'll start the upped dose and I'll find out if it has any effect.

I used to have a lot of side effects. Tremors for one where I couldn't control my hand, legs, or neck where it was spazz out randomly. And, a side effect where sexual thoughts brought me a terrible pain in the form of a headache. There was also the possibility of increased anxiety, but I'm unsure about that one. I had to quit my support group because my heart wouldn't stop beating at a rapid rate and I couldn't concrete or speak.

It's not like I have a lot to talk about. My last session with my therapist we mostly talked about glass factories in the area. Because I like glass. I like the guy so I don't want to stop our sessions, but it's getting to a point where we have nothing to talk about. I session before that was worse, it was all about my sexuality. Which I'm still figuring out myself. So I told him the kind of sexual thoughts I had and he replied, "That's not really a sexual thought," and I think I was just too vague and that I could have added more, but was too embarrassed. I don't think about people having sex and all that though. I don't even know what that looks like to imagine it... I mean I know what I've heard from other people, but not enough info to picture it. Not that I even want to picture it.

Anyway, the present isn't appearing all that holiday-like. It seems that nobody is in in the Christmas Spirit this year. The main problem I have with Christmas is I'm not Christian or really any religion that believes in a God. So, why should I celebrate the birth of something I don't believe exists? I almost feel like I'm not allowed to have Christmas if I don't serve God... it feels wrong to do so. So maybe that's my problem.

There is also the fact that I hate gift giving. I don't normally enjoy getting gifts or giving them either. The stress of not liking what someone gives me is heart rattling. It's hard to be excited about this when I'm so nervous of hating what whoever gives me. Especially if it's coming from my mom and it turns out I don't like it. I'm don't have control of my face. Not exactly. Like, if I don't like something it will show on my face and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Christmas just isn't my type of holiday. I don't like holidays in general and Christmas is at the top of the list. So I decided to not celebrate it. It's just that nobody will believe me when I say I'd rather live without the holiday spirit. Despite what I've said for the past two years people still get me gifts and when they wonder why I didn't get them something in return it will be their own fault. I've stated over and over I don't want to do Christmas and still people get me something every year. Christmas is most certainly not for me.

Past

So I don't really like Christmas. I get all nervous about giving or receiving gifts, so I tend to avoid it. I always end up sick right around Christmas. As a kid, I would get worried that I would not like a new toy, or that it would take over and I wouldn't play with my current toys. It was nerve racking even to a ten year old. Plus, I'm religious in the slightest. So... Christmas isn't my thing. I want to like Christmas again like I did when I was younger though so I'm allowing myself to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past.

I imagine this person as my grandfather who recently passed away. They would appear before me when the blanket they would fly off my bed and twist into their face. He would smile at me and take my hand as he flies out the window next to my bed, taking me with him, and we travel back in time to take a look at years of Christmas past. He explains that we need to see how the world was to me so I can take a second look at why Christmas is dreadful to me.

We would appear my early childhood. There I was getting out of bed to open my presents. I looked excited, but something was wrong. The next thing I know younger me is throwing up and is taken to the hospital. I realize that this is my earliest memory and it's surly not a good one. I feel like I ruined Christmas at that moment as my mom has to cancel all her plans to take me to the doctor where I have to stay overnight.

The ghost of Christmas Past then takes me to the next scene. I can see we're at his house and I'm crying. My parents had broken up and now I was upset to just be away from my mom. I watched as I tried to play by myself, but everyone followed me and made jokes or even beat on me. I watched as most of the adults then went to play cards without me. How people would pick on me and I couldn't do anything to fight back.

Time passes and I see the room change to my other grandparents car, my mom's mom, and I remember where we are. I remember how a Christmas song came on and my grandmother burst into tears. She had to pull over because she was crying so hard. She was so distraught because she then told me she was upset because my mom wouldn't be home for the holidays as she was currently in jail. My mom ended up coming home early and was able to make it to the holiday, but at that time all Christmas did was made me feel bad.

After that point most of my Christmas were good. It was just my mom, my step dad, and my step siblings Mist and her brother. The twins were still far, far away and wasn't able to make it in. During that time we didn't have a lot of time to get a lot of gifts, but we still got a decent amount. Christmas was good.... up until the moment where everyone would go off and do their own thing. We didn't see each other until dinner time then everyone took a nap and I was alone until they woke up. Year after year. Last year was good and we spent time together, but by that point the joy of Christmas was already tainted.

I'm then back in my room, sitting back on my bed as I looked to the blanket in my hands. I knew at that moment that my journey wasn't over. I could hear a second more of my grandfather as he explained that I would be visited by two more spirits - the ghost of the future and the ghost of the present. I sat nervously waiting for that to happen. It was only a matter of time before they would arrive and I had no idea who they would be.

Perfect To My Convenience

A lot of the things Jason says are really mean and offense. He calls me a baby and stupid a lot. He certainly knows how to hurt me, but it's not easy to talk about. He just really talks down to me. But, there is something that he says that really urks me to a point of pure frustration. Sometimes I even scream at him. Outloud. I know, not the most sane thing to do.. but.. The thing he says is just so.. he says when I'm having a panic attack or another problem from my mental illness that it's "convenient," for it happen.

As I said in my last blog; I have anxiety. Sometimes that means being unable to take a test properly. When the words would start moving around the page and I couldn't think straight and I could hear was Jason saying how convenient it was that I was having this problem now. See, he makes a good point, but so do I. He says that my mental health only acts up when I don't want to do something. I disagree. I say that it happens most when I'm worried about something.

Still, even then it happens randomly too. I can be going on a walk, or trying to watch a show when I suddenly can't focus on the screen because I have swiggles everywhere. He goes on how it's convenient that I don't have to work or go to college. That I get the easy life. That is SO NOT true. I want meaning in my life that doing those things could bring. Right now the most important thing in my life is video games and writing. That doesn't cut it for me anymore. I miss doing something that pushed for my future.

Jason just thinks that I have it easy. Well, I don't. I have some series issues and side effects that seriously mess with my life. I can't even have a relationship. Even if I got past all my non-serious issues I have the fact I hate being touched by those I'm not extreamly close to like my mom and too much contact by even them will cause me to shut down. Not to mention sexual thoughts are now giving me a killer headache that paralyzes me for the rest of the day.

So, no. It's not convenient to have mental health issues. It's acually really hard to have some of the issues I do. Sure, on the good days it's not as bad, but on those down days. Those days where I come down from my high and simply crash in an explosion of sadness that can last anywhere from a day to six months. And, it's the kind of low that you don't easily come back from. That's not mentioning the psychosis where I get confused about things that I'm not sure about like other timelines.

All I'm saying is Jason has no right to talk to me that way. I know that it's not convenient to be like this just because some aspects of life may be a little easier. So I'm not working right now? That doesn't mean I'm happy with that decision. That doesn't mean life is ten times easier on me in every way? It just means that I'm crutched by something I can't yet control and will need more time before I step into the outside world.

Heart Skips a Beat

I went to support group for the second time today, and while I do like it... It's killing me. When I'm in group my heart is pounding rapidly and I can barely talk. I did better today then I did last time, but not by much. I feel like this has always been a problem for me that none of my doctors have ever addressed. I have really bad anxiety. It's like... make myself sick kind of anxiety and it's been happening my entire life. At that moment I have to speak in front of a crowd, even if it's only ten people, my heart skips a beat.

I was never one to talk much normally as I was always shy. When my step dad came into my life he helped me overcome that, for the most part. All I know is it basically has been happening my whole life. I remember a few moments where my anxiety shook me to the bone. Moments where I'd have to speak in front of the class and either took a failed grade because I simply couldn't step up, or I was so bad at speaking that the teacher asked me to sit back down. It's not the most embarrassing thing in the world, no that was throwing up in front of the entire third and fourth grade...!

I'm even nervous around my best friend. Going to his house or hanging out with him outside of school was always really hard for me. I couldn't breath, worried that I'd say the wrong thing and ruin our entire friendship. He yelled at me once because a side effect I had. I wasn't mad at him, as I was getting annoyed with it myself, but I was then worried he was mad at me. Zeus is my best friend, but I still haven't been over his house in months because it just hurts my heart.

The worst part is when I'm in a large crowd. At my old school there was four floors of steps we had to go up for our next class after lunch and to leave/arrive at school. The hallway was completely filled. I would be unable to breath because I felt trapped. I dodged everyone the best I could, but it wasn't good enough. And, then I'd end up ditching class because I was trying not to throw up in the bathroom. I ended up discovering a second staircase that only a few people used and it was marvelous.

Next up is test anxiety. If I get overwhelmed in anyway I will just shut down. At that moment my brain doesn't work like it should. And, this happens during a test. Suddenly, I'm frozen. I can't move and I can't think. I end up picking the answers that pop out at me without reaching the question because my mind can't make sense of the words. In some cases, the words are literally moving on the page.

For anyone who has anxiety I can only suggest that you find a way to get out of the situation. Find that secret staircase. In a lot of my cases I got the test read to me because I couldn't see it. Of course, I had an IEP which allowed that so it wasn't as easy for some of you. If you're taking a test try not to make it feel like a test. Make it feel like homework that is due, but isn't all that important and isn't half your grade for the semester. Or just freak out. That's what mostly everyone does. I almost passed out once... Health Class in 8th grade. Not good. My mom says I need to be on anxiety meds and I tend to agree.

I'm Not Me

This is a theory that I've had for a while and while it doesn't make the best of sense when you say it outloud, it bothers me. I call it the Clone Theory where there is multiple versions of me that have taken place throughout the eighteen years I have "lived,". It's weird to think about this one, but I went over the Silver Penny theory and that one is just as weird as this one. That one could explain this theory and this one could explain that one.

I died. Like, when I drown when I was younger. At that moment I went under the water and didn't come back up. Instead my parents, or someone else, made a new version of me with memories of my past life, but I wasn't the same. Suddenly, I forgot how to tie my shoes or didn't like something I liked before. Looking back, there are moments in time that are blurry and some moments that are wrong all together.

I have memories that never happened, and then I also have blank spaces in my memory. I even have memories of watching myself do something. I have this one where I'm watching a fire, but in the memory I can see myself watching it. Like, I was someone else watching the past version of me do that. Could my memories be fake? I can't explain my memories and it freaks me out to think that I'm not the original me.

I have this memory of riding a bike. Except I never learned. I wouldn't know what to do if I could... and I can't because I always been too scared to. Still, is that memory, like other memories, in my head that is just as strong as a memory I just made half an hour ago. I remember the feeling of the wind. Yet I also know for a matter of a fact that I never learned to ride one. It's like that was another me's memories leaking through.

The other possibility is that I've just lived many lives. According to Jason, I been alive at least fourteen times now. Every other time I'm alive and Jason is a voice in my head, or vise versa for when I die. I don't know how much I believe that, but it is possible that the world is rebooted every time I die. Like, until I get things right time will just keep resetting on me. That's a little crazy, as it's a wild card, but it's still possible.

My point on the bike memory is that I remember every detail of it. The wind, the bike, and the area around me. Except it never happened. And, as a writer I struggle to come up with detail myself. I can hardly remember the moment that happened five minites ago in as much detail as I can this memory. Almost as if... it's staged. It's almost as if it doesn't belong to me. Like, it's not MY memory. It's almost as if... I'm not me.

Oh, Nuts!

My immediate family and a family friend just all went to a Nutcracker event with at least thirty different human-sized nutcrackers that are each themed differently. There was a Clark Kent one that I got picture of me fistbumping. It went pretty well. Anatomy was cold as she's not used to it being so cold as she's from down south. I was in short though and to me it wasn't that cold. I think it made a good family event.

Nutcrackers have always meant a lot my family. We used to have a neighbor who would bring over candy to me every time he got the chance. The problem is; I didn't eat much candy. I would barely eat any sweets growing up. Cookies would go bad. There was this time where I found a green cookie and I thought it went bad, but acually it meant I won a gamecube. That's how I got into playing video games. Sort of. There is more to that story, but it had to do with my step dad's kids trying to play with me and it made me jump in. I didn't get really into gaming until I met the wonderfulness that is Pokemon. 

I'm getting off base. There was this neighbor who would bring over candy. Well, I guess he found out that I didn't like candy. So for Christmas one year he brought me a nutcracker. I found out he loved nutcrackers. From that day forth I always wanted to buy him one. I did. But, it was too late. After we bought it, years passed and we kept forgetting to take it to him. Eventually he passed away and we never got to give it to him. It was the first time I knew someone who died, but at this point I hadn't seen him in years and wasn't as effected to it. 

Still, when I was going through my depression a few years back I put the nutcracker in room and it made me feel safe. Sort of like how I sleep with my grandfather's blanket now. It was like I could feel the energy coming off of it. That's something I noticed about myself. If something is or was important to me at one point I can still feel the power radiating off of it. I can't quite explain it, but it makes me feel good. I think it's like how some people feel about seeing a picture of a good day. 

Last week my mom and I were rearranging the living room and the nutcracker came crashing down. It's hat, which was part of it's body, broke apart. It was like all that energy just emerged from it. I want to put it back together and see if that energy comes back. I feel like death is hard for me because there is always unfinished business. With my dog I went to my nanny's while it died in it's sleep and I always felt bad for leaving it behind. With my grandfather I always wanted to take him out to eat where he always takes me. Except I never did. And, with this neighbor I never got to give him his nutcracker. 

I don't know what happened, but as I said in my last blog, I've opened pandora's box. Zeus always told me that if I stuffed my feelings into a box that eventually it would explode. Now I have these feelings flowing through me of all the things I tried my best to not think about. I feel like I have so much unfinished business now with the dead and the living. Things I just don't know how to let go off... I need release, but I'm stuck.