Present

Nobody is in the Christmas spirit. My parents being my step dad and mom don't feel in the holiday spirit because they can't exactly afford the type of Christmas they want their children to have. Anatomy just misses her twin brother and having the holidays without him will be hard for her. I'm the only one who is even close to a holiday spirit, after my adventure through time and space with the ghost of Christmas Past, but even now I don't feel much for putting up a tree and putting presents on it. Even my grandmother isn't feeling up to our tradition of doing Christmas eve at her house. It just doesn't feel like Christmas.

My mental health seems to be at a standstill. I don't know how to move on from here. Jason has been quiet and the ghost girl hasn't been torturing me as much. The squiggles continue to be the same. This medication could be working after all. Except some nights I still wake up terrified to get out of bed to go to the bathroom or get a drink or pace. Still, it seems to be doing some improvements so my doctor decided to up the medication. Any day now I'll start the upped dose and I'll find out if it has any effect.

I used to have a lot of side effects. Tremors for one where I couldn't control my hand, legs, or neck where it was spazz out randomly. And, a side effect where sexual thoughts brought me a terrible pain in the form of a headache. There was also the possibility of increased anxiety, but I'm unsure about that one. I had to quit my support group because my heart wouldn't stop beating at a rapid rate and I couldn't concrete or speak.

It's not like I have a lot to talk about. My last session with my therapist we mostly talked about glass factories in the area. Because I like glass. I like the guy so I don't want to stop our sessions, but it's getting to a point where we have nothing to talk about. I session before that was worse, it was all about my sexuality. Which I'm still figuring out myself. So I told him the kind of sexual thoughts I had and he replied, "That's not really a sexual thought," and I think I was just too vague and that I could have added more, but was too embarrassed. I don't think about people having sex and all that though. I don't even know what that looks like to imagine it... I mean I know what I've heard from other people, but not enough info to picture it. Not that I even want to picture it.

Anyway, the present isn't appearing all that holiday-like. It seems that nobody is in in the Christmas Spirit this year. The main problem I have with Christmas is I'm not Christian or really any religion that believes in a God. So, why should I celebrate the birth of something I don't believe exists? I almost feel like I'm not allowed to have Christmas if I don't serve God... it feels wrong to do so. So maybe that's my problem.

There is also the fact that I hate gift giving. I don't normally enjoy getting gifts or giving them either. The stress of not liking what someone gives me is heart rattling. It's hard to be excited about this when I'm so nervous of hating what whoever gives me. Especially if it's coming from my mom and it turns out I don't like it. I'm don't have control of my face. Not exactly. Like, if I don't like something it will show on my face and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Christmas just isn't my type of holiday. I don't like holidays in general and Christmas is at the top of the list. So I decided to not celebrate it. It's just that nobody will believe me when I say I'd rather live without the holiday spirit. Despite what I've said for the past two years people still get me gifts and when they wonder why I didn't get them something in return it will be their own fault. I've stated over and over I don't want to do Christmas and still people get me something every year. Christmas is most certainly not for me.