A lot of the things Jason says are really mean and offense. He calls me a baby and stupid a lot. He certainly knows how to hurt me, but it's not easy to talk about. He just really talks down to me. But, there is something that he says that really urks me to a point of pure frustration. Sometimes I even scream at him. Outloud. I know, not the most sane thing to do.. but.. The thing he says is just so.. he says when I'm having a panic attack or another problem from my mental illness that it's "convenient," for it happen.
As I said in my last blog; I have anxiety. Sometimes that means being unable to take a test properly. When the words would start moving around the page and I couldn't think straight and I could hear was Jason saying how convenient it was that I was having this problem now. See, he makes a good point, but so do I. He says that my mental health only acts up when I don't want to do something. I disagree. I say that it happens most when I'm worried about something.
Still, even then it happens randomly too. I can be going on a walk, or trying to watch a show when I suddenly can't focus on the screen because I have swiggles everywhere. He goes on how it's convenient that I don't have to work or go to college. That I get the easy life. That is SO NOT true. I want meaning in my life that doing those things could bring. Right now the most important thing in my life is video games and writing. That doesn't cut it for me anymore. I miss doing something that pushed for my future.
Jason just thinks that I have it easy. Well, I don't. I have some series issues and side effects that seriously mess with my life. I can't even have a relationship. Even if I got past all my non-serious issues I have the fact I hate being touched by those I'm not extreamly close to like my mom and too much contact by even them will cause me to shut down. Not to mention sexual thoughts are now giving me a killer headache that paralyzes me for the rest of the day.
So, no. It's not convenient to have mental health issues. It's acually really hard to have some of the issues I do. Sure, on the good days it's not as bad, but on those down days. Those days where I come down from my high and simply crash in an explosion of sadness that can last anywhere from a day to six months. And, it's the kind of low that you don't easily come back from. That's not mentioning the psychosis where I get confused about things that I'm not sure about like other timelines.
All I'm saying is Jason has no right to talk to me that way. I know that it's not convenient to be like this just because some aspects of life may be a little easier. So I'm not working right now? That doesn't mean I'm happy with that decision. That doesn't mean life is ten times easier on me in every way? It just means that I'm crutched by something I can't yet control and will need more time before I step into the outside world.
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