Heart Skips a Beat

I went to support group for the second time today, and while I do like it... It's killing me. When I'm in group my heart is pounding rapidly and I can barely talk. I did better today then I did last time, but not by much. I feel like this has always been a problem for me that none of my doctors have ever addressed. I have really bad anxiety. It's like... make myself sick kind of anxiety and it's been happening my entire life. At that moment I have to speak in front of a crowd, even if it's only ten people, my heart skips a beat.

I was never one to talk much normally as I was always shy. When my step dad came into my life he helped me overcome that, for the most part. All I know is it basically has been happening my whole life. I remember a few moments where my anxiety shook me to the bone. Moments where I'd have to speak in front of the class and either took a failed grade because I simply couldn't step up, or I was so bad at speaking that the teacher asked me to sit back down. It's not the most embarrassing thing in the world, no that was throwing up in front of the entire third and fourth grade...!

I'm even nervous around my best friend. Going to his house or hanging out with him outside of school was always really hard for me. I couldn't breath, worried that I'd say the wrong thing and ruin our entire friendship. He yelled at me once because a side effect I had. I wasn't mad at him, as I was getting annoyed with it myself, but I was then worried he was mad at me. Zeus is my best friend, but I still haven't been over his house in months because it just hurts my heart.

The worst part is when I'm in a large crowd. At my old school there was four floors of steps we had to go up for our next class after lunch and to leave/arrive at school. The hallway was completely filled. I would be unable to breath because I felt trapped. I dodged everyone the best I could, but it wasn't good enough. And, then I'd end up ditching class because I was trying not to throw up in the bathroom. I ended up discovering a second staircase that only a few people used and it was marvelous.

Next up is test anxiety. If I get overwhelmed in anyway I will just shut down. At that moment my brain doesn't work like it should. And, this happens during a test. Suddenly, I'm frozen. I can't move and I can't think. I end up picking the answers that pop out at me without reaching the question because my mind can't make sense of the words. In some cases, the words are literally moving on the page.

For anyone who has anxiety I can only suggest that you find a way to get out of the situation. Find that secret staircase. In a lot of my cases I got the test read to me because I couldn't see it. Of course, I had an IEP which allowed that so it wasn't as easy for some of you. If you're taking a test try not to make it feel like a test. Make it feel like homework that is due, but isn't all that important and isn't half your grade for the semester. Or just freak out. That's what mostly everyone does. I almost passed out once... Health Class in 8th grade. Not good. My mom says I need to be on anxiety meds and I tend to agree.