That One About Death

Nobody ever died that I knew before. I mean I had an uncle die once, but I didn't really know him. I did have a dog and a series of fish die, but I didn't understand death completely. I still don't. But, now that someone I used to see on a quite frequently has passed away I'm starting to feel paranoid. I can't sleep at night, not that I could before, because I'm worrying of what might happen overnight. I'm beginning to ask myself the same question over and over. Who else is going to die?

I stayed at my nanny's house last night and she has a bird that can speak (what are those called?) so she has a voice recorder saying "I love you," over and over to teach the bird to say it too. It already says "peek-a-boo,". But, all I kept thinking about is who would get that recorder when she dies. Because that person would be able to hear her say "I love you," for a very long time. It would be her voice immortalized.

I lost my grandfather on my dad's side (opposite of my nanny, she's on my mom's side). I'm more worried about what my dad would do. He's already attempted things in the past, and was hospitalized for a few days. I feel bad for him. This must be hard for him. He doesn't feel I need him and that makes me think he'll be taken from this world too. I've never lost one of my main support group members including; my mom, dad, step dad, Mist, and nanny. Now I'm worried I'll lose all of them. My mom is having physical issues I won't get into and I don't know what's wrong with my step dad, but I'm worried about him too.

I'm living on disability with only my step dad working at home out of five (counting a baby) If I lost my mom or step dad I don't know where I would go. If my step dad dies we won't have enough income to survive and if my mom goes... I don't think I'd be able to go on. My mom is the most important person in the world to me. I need her, now more then ever, and if I lose her I simply won't survive long. Unless I was put in a group home for adults, since I'm officially eighteen, and that's like... I just don't think I can go on without my mom.

So every single night I hug my mom three or four times (and many throughout the day) because of how worried I get. I'm even having nightmares about it. Death is a lot scarier then I thought previously. Does this feeling ever go away?