Fifty Stories

This is my 50th blog post on this site, 50 stories that I have told about my life. I have a lot more things to talk about. Yet I'm dealing with a terrible writers block and have found myself unable to tell my story in the slightest. For that, I apologize. I was working on this writing project that I wanted to become a book series, RP for others to play in, and eventually a video game. It's way too big to dream and I got hurt (emotionally) trying to fix a project that I was dying. I'm making the mistake of trying to do it again, because it hurts to not finish it.

My doctor switched me from Bioplar to Schitzoaffective which is a mixture between my previous diagnosis and Schizophrenia. That sucks. It doesn't fix anything right now, maybe in the future, but knowing doesn't help me now. My medication helps with Jason, but I keep seeing things and getting paranoid at night or when I'm alone. I can't be left home alone. I'm also still seeing shapes and letters and squiggles every where I look, even when I close my eyes. That is the reason my doctor changed my diagnosis, because of the squiggles, and likely other reasons I don't know about.

That's why I'm saying - my story isn't going to end very happy under those circumstances. I wrote fifty blogs, fifty stories and each one about "discovering," myself has only confused me even more. Not just sexuality and religion and school, but the fact of knowing what I want to do with my life. I wanted to writer all my life and awhile back I changed it from my life goal to a "hobby," and then it just didn't seem as important.

I wrote fifty stories and I'll likely write fifty more. Just give me some time. I talked about my first (and last) time drinking, my slippery slope, my dreams, my fears, my feelings, my thoughts, and everything in between. I don't know how to move forward with my story. Do I work? How could I possibly work when.. I'm so useless? Not to sound depressing, as I'm not depressed, but it's kind of true. For right now anyway. Do I write? How could I when I'm struggling with my worst writers block ever?

I will try to blog more on a regular basis and get back to telling the past as well as the future.