Lock the Doors, Seal the Windows!

It's a zombie apocalypse as the undead stalk everybody's homes through the window and hide under our beds. Or not. Last weekend I had my first paranoia attack, making me fear that I may have Schizophrenia even more. It started out all normal but turned into an intense amount of terror that I couldn't fight back and urge to check every window, door, and even under my bed for a evil doll dead girl who may be trying to kill me.

...Perfect.

So I took my concerns to someone who struggles with Schizophrenia every day getting all of my questions answered. She described to me that hallucinations will feed off your greatest fears like the dead girl I will commonly see or even be attacked by. She suggested that when I feel like I'm disconnecting with reality to think of more rational things like my name, my gender, the color of the walls, etc. Things that I know, so far it has worked out well for me. For the sake of this blog I'll call her Cure. 

I then asked her about the possibility of putting myself away in a mental ward, as my condition is progressively getting worse but she advised against it. From experience I know that these places are both very addicting and a never ending hole. It's something you'll miss forever, being around people who can relate to you all while being away from responsibilities is a nice feeling. Even if you do wish to leave you'll have to go to the moon and back in order to be free. 

From there we went on to talk about how difficult it can be for us to handle jobs. I'm afraid I'll never be able to work due to my many, many issues. I've already been disguised as a High Functioning Autistic finding the most simple of tasks to be like moving a mountain. For example I cannot for the life of me tie my shoes, or ride a bike, or floss without a special tool. This is explained because of a lack of motor skills that can make life very difficult. But, there are methods such as physical therapy that will help me with these tasks. 

The next thing Cure mentioned is having a voice inside of her head, for me mine is named Jason. She basically debunked one of the reasons I thought I didn't have Schizophrenia where she told me about a voice that isn't outside but also much like thoughts. If you research the mental illness or ask a doctor most of the time you'll find that they always hear a voice out-loud which isn't the case. Some have them on the outside of the head others inside, and many not at all. 

The last few things we talked about each deserve their own blog entry, because I don't want this to trail on forever. Back onto topic I feel as if my situation is getting worse and I'm considering checking out of life and into a mental ward but like I described they're traps that take forever to escape. I'm not done blogging quite yet, so don't expect me to vanish anytime soon. But, if I shall remember me as I was and not as I am.