My new medication may be ruining my life. Some wonderful things I normally love to eat suddenly taste.. terrible! Even my Mac and Cheese has turned into a flavor of burnt chocolate. I couldn't even eat it. I tried a second bite, thinking it would be better, but I almost got sick. I couldn't swallow the food because it was so bad. A food that is usually one of my favorites. What if some of my other favorites become things I can't eat? I'm picking enough. This could kill me, considering how little types of food I eat now... now it's becoming even less. That's exaggerating... I hope.
That's not all that's weird. My dreams are becoming more realistic. Like, instead of being me being chased and in a complete nightmare it was completely normal. Having a conversation with my dad. Drinking a pop. I could feel the cold drink go down my throat, and even taste the Pepsi as it dripping onto my tongue. I have never had a dream where I felt really anything. A year back I felt pain in my dream for the first time and I was completely freaked out.
Like, I said last week things were getting weird. I called it the "Silver Penny Theory," and luckily since I been on these meds I haven't had any more moments where reality just isn't reality. My doctor was happy to hear that today. Still, Jason still is bothering me. He came back after I was taken off a certain medication that made my tongue swelled and I was hospitalized. Due to the fact, I fell out of communication for half a year I didn't get to explain that I was in a children's mental ward back in May. I was under eighteen, unlike now, so I still went to the child/teen center.
Still, I keep waking up during the day and being not sure if I'm awake or not. Because my dreams are becoming more life like, and life is becoming more dream like... the line is getting blurred. Especially at the moment after I take my medication is when I start to feel numb, tired even, but also like I'm asleep. I had a moment a few weeks back, before these meds, that where I wasn't sure AT ALL if I was awake or asleep and I just kept laughing and almost crying and laughing and nearly breaking down into tears. It was madness.
That moment was about when I found these Christmas Tree shaped gems, smooth rocks that I rub, at an online website and I was really tired and nobody else was awake and.. I couldn't be sure. I was afraid if I went to sleep I'd wake up to find it all to have been a dream. See, I've had likely a hundred dreams where I found a cool type of gem that I wanted that turned out to be fake. So when I found Christmas Trees, Turtles, Mushrooms, and more galore.. It just didn't seem real. One, of those "too good to be true,"
And, it was. Turns out on that website I could only buy them in bulk. Which seriously got under my skin. Luckily, after three days of searching I found the Christmas Trees and Turtle gems. I love them and rub them nearly every day. I don't think I need them as much now that I'm not in school and by that not as stressed, but still it's nice to have them and they're fun to collect.
So basically my meds could be effecting my food and dreams... or I'm getting worse, about to fall into a psychosis break that I may never recover from. My doctor and therapist were sure they were going to keep me last week when I told them everything from my previous blog. I wish I could figure out what was wrong with me. But, it's not there is a mystery that is easily solved. There is an answer that I'm just not ready to accept. I'm sick and getting better could take longer then I have.
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