That One About Death

Nobody ever died that I knew before. I mean I had an uncle die once, but I didn't really know him. I did have a dog and a series of fish die, but I didn't understand death completely. I still don't. But, now that someone I used to see on a quite frequently has passed away I'm starting to feel paranoid. I can't sleep at night, not that I could before, because I'm worrying of what might happen overnight. I'm beginning to ask myself the same question over and over. Who else is going to die?

I stayed at my nanny's house last night and she has a bird that can speak (what are those called?) so she has a voice recorder saying "I love you," over and over to teach the bird to say it too. It already says "peek-a-boo,". But, all I kept thinking about is who would get that recorder when she dies. Because that person would be able to hear her say "I love you," for a very long time. It would be her voice immortalized.

I lost my grandfather on my dad's side (opposite of my nanny, she's on my mom's side). I'm more worried about what my dad would do. He's already attempted things in the past, and was hospitalized for a few days. I feel bad for him. This must be hard for him. He doesn't feel I need him and that makes me think he'll be taken from this world too. I've never lost one of my main support group members including; my mom, dad, step dad, Mist, and nanny. Now I'm worried I'll lose all of them. My mom is having physical issues I won't get into and I don't know what's wrong with my step dad, but I'm worried about him too.

I'm living on disability with only my step dad working at home out of five (counting a baby) If I lost my mom or step dad I don't know where I would go. If my step dad dies we won't have enough income to survive and if my mom goes... I don't think I'd be able to go on. My mom is the most important person in the world to me. I need her, now more then ever, and if I lose her I simply won't survive long. Unless I was put in a group home for adults, since I'm officially eighteen, and that's like... I just don't think I can go on without my mom.

So every single night I hug my mom three or four times (and many throughout the day) because of how worried I get. I'm even having nightmares about it. Death is a lot scarier then I thought previously. Does this feeling ever go away?

Fifty Stories

This is my 50th blog post on this site, 50 stories that I have told about my life. I have a lot more things to talk about. Yet I'm dealing with a terrible writers block and have found myself unable to tell my story in the slightest. For that, I apologize. I was working on this writing project that I wanted to become a book series, RP for others to play in, and eventually a video game. It's way too big to dream and I got hurt (emotionally) trying to fix a project that I was dying. I'm making the mistake of trying to do it again, because it hurts to not finish it.

My doctor switched me from Bioplar to Schitzoaffective which is a mixture between my previous diagnosis and Schizophrenia. That sucks. It doesn't fix anything right now, maybe in the future, but knowing doesn't help me now. My medication helps with Jason, but I keep seeing things and getting paranoid at night or when I'm alone. I can't be left home alone. I'm also still seeing shapes and letters and squiggles every where I look, even when I close my eyes. That is the reason my doctor changed my diagnosis, because of the squiggles, and likely other reasons I don't know about.

That's why I'm saying - my story isn't going to end very happy under those circumstances. I wrote fifty blogs, fifty stories and each one about "discovering," myself has only confused me even more. Not just sexuality and religion and school, but the fact of knowing what I want to do with my life. I wanted to writer all my life and awhile back I changed it from my life goal to a "hobby," and then it just didn't seem as important.

I wrote fifty stories and I'll likely write fifty more. Just give me some time. I talked about my first (and last) time drinking, my slippery slope, my dreams, my fears, my feelings, my thoughts, and everything in between. I don't know how to move forward with my story. Do I work? How could I possibly work when.. I'm so useless? Not to sound depressing, as I'm not depressed, but it's kind of true. For right now anyway. Do I write? How could I when I'm struggling with my worst writers block ever?

I will try to blog more on a regular basis and get back to telling the past as well as the future.