Sometimes a tree you thought was dead may actually come back to life. It's a weird sensation, sometimes it can be an uprooted dream or it can be a worse nightmare. Or both. In this case I somehow accidentally got Gem to think I'm heading off to live in L.A. with her after graduation and still have failed to end our friendship despite my many attempts. She's a good person, but we don't work and I can't do this anymore.
But, what if I can't say no? It's like our trip to the zoo, obviously I didn't want to go, but I didn't tell her to last minute. Will I really wait all the way up to graduation to tell her I'm not going to L.A. or will she somehow suck me into going? According to all her friends and cousins she is madly in love with me. For some reason this girl has got her hands eloped around me in a vicious motion without realizing she even has a grip. When I'm around her I just bubble down to a shell of my former self, perhaps out of fear knowing I need to kill this friendship in the back?
How do you even end a friendship? Whenever the moment of truth comes out she'll throw something like, "We're great friends!" or tell me about some family member that's hurt. Sometimes I feel like she's manipulating me. But, she wouldn't do that... right? I used to have hope that everyone was a good person, that no bad existed in our world, but slowly that has rotted away. I used to trust that Gem wouldn't betray me like that, but that's gone.
Is it possible she isn't aware she's doing it? When someone attaches to you they can get way too involved. Like, how a stalker will stalk their victims without realizing it's wrong or how you may starting petting an animal without even thinking about it. Or is it that what I feel is manipulation is really just a form a friendship? So far from what I've seen it's becoming more of an obsession for her, something I'm afraid of interrupting.
The new proublem that has made me rewrite this blog is that she's actually threatening me, and even hurting me if I'm not doing exactly what she wants. It reminds me of the first time we danced this dance. Everyone keeps telling me she's madly in love with me. I'm worried she's becoming so obsessed that she'll hurt someone if I end this friendship. Still, I don't deserve to suffer.
The second thing is she's buying my love, or trying to anyway, but making and buying me things I have mentioned. Just because I say a want a dragon doesn't mean you have to make me one. It's sweet and a nice gesture, but I wouldn't do the same. I don't feel I know her very well while she seems to know everything about me. Even if its wrong.
All I can say is this friendship has taken it's turn, it's taken enough hits that I feel terrible just being around her. I feel bad that I feel bad about feeling bad, and that makes me feel bad. I'm the good guy, but now I have to turn around and do a bad thing. It's the first of many, I know it. Darkness is inevitable. Part of growing into an adult is learning that darkness was there from the start to finish. But, I don't want to realize that this world isn't what I originally saw in it's glory. In this real world nobody cares about me, I'm a nobody and will always be one. But, is that so bad?
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