So if you haven't noticed the innocent little halo on the tip of my skull then you may not know I have morals which prevent me from doing any wrong. I'm sure I've mentioned my lack of cursing as well, well as it turns out that is beginning to change. Does that mean I'm slowly starting to be corrupted by the world like everybody else or am I allowing a slight change for the sake of my writing? As most of my stories have to do with the underworld or as most people call it hell. Just starting today was I finally able to type the world out, not able to say it yet, but every time I do I end up spelling "hello," instead proving my innocent once more.
But, is cursing bad? Obviously, I wouldn't have a problem with it if I wasn't told as a child that curse words were wrong. Over the years though, the people who have told me so have grown to use curse words more and more. Despite this, I'm still unable to use curse words of any kind... until now. It started with a story I wanted to write that takes place in hell and it was getting annoying to use all the words except "hell,". Which technically isn't cursing because using "hell," as a way of expression is different from describing a place (still bothers me).
Without actually using the norm curse words, am I still cursing? A wise man once told me that letting out any remark is the same as using curse words. Although, I've read that those certain "bad," words have a sort of stress releaser to them. In a way I'm still cursing without actually saying the words, now that I know that I can curse right?
What the F- Ah, Forget It!
No matter what I do I cannot let out a curse word. It's not possible. Not when I stub a toe, am mad at my computer, get drunk, or in some cases are on morphine. When I got my wisdom teeth out I had to be on morphine from the surgery, I couldn't even lift up my head let alone control my body. Still, as my step dad tried to get me to "give him the bird," moving my fingers for me my body fought back and wouldn't let him. I physically cannot curse.
The brings up my goody two shoes attitude, it's almost if I actually am unable to do any wrong. I mean I still joke around, mess with people, and can come off as mean but I never intend to hurt anyone. Ever. Well.. there was this one situation or two but that's for another time. In the end I have to question if I'm able to do something against my morals, and if my morals are always right? Does that make cursing bad?
With being able to type out the word, "hell," finally after sixteen years I can't help but wonder if I am slowly being corrupted. The voice in my head keeps telling me he will slowly take over if I don't somehow release him. If that's true or fake the same applies; I would most certainly have to fight off the darkness inside of me or lose myself completely.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
It's My Personality, I Promise
For some reason I enjoy writing and taking pictures plus have a knack for being a goody two shoes. For a moment there I even wanted to be a teacher - Just like my mother. Most of my personality is almost the same as hers was prior to my step dad and still is in many ways. That in itself is a scary thought, you never want to become your parents. Because, it means you're not your own person at all. It means I'm just a remix of the same tastes, skills, and details of my parents. It's my personality guys not hers!
Of course I stray a little bit away from her with my mental disabilities but those have nearly nothing to do with my personality. My sense of character is all I have but now I can't help but wonder if I'm the way I am because of her. If my tastes and likes aren't at all impacted by me. So it turns out I'm not very original at all. Except actually I am very much my own person by one simple big reason, something my mother hasn't done.
I'm going to do something with my talents!
Of course I stray a little bit away from her with my mental disabilities but those have nearly nothing to do with my personality. My sense of character is all I have but now I can't help but wonder if I'm the way I am because of her. If my tastes and likes aren't at all impacted by me. So it turns out I'm not very original at all. Except actually I am very much my own person by one simple big reason, something my mother hasn't done.
I'm going to do something with my talents!
My mom threw in the towel before the battle even started, having me halfway through college and dropping out in order to take care of me. That trampled her dream of ever becoming a teacher but instead a sectary which as you guys know she ruined by stealing money from the school. I knew she had to do it in order to pay for food on the table, with my dad not working and spending it, but I wish she never did it. Then again, it's that situation that gave me the right push away from her when I was unable to let go. Except where she made sacrifices for me my roadblock would be more difficult to work through. If I cannot hold onto my sanity I won't be able to fulfil my dreams. For insanity is the scariest thing in the world.
Of course I'm not my parents, what am I talking about? In my own way I'm my own person. So I may be considering mixing music and finding playlists for people... that doesn't make me a DJ like my dad. So my best friend and I share a lot of the same interests. So, what half the shows I watch are because people showed me them?
...Basically if you haven't picked it up by now I'm making a very valid point. We aren't our own person at all, we're just pieces of other people rubbed together in one mix. The more you're around someone the more you act like them after all. The reason I find the most similarities with my parents and my friend is because I spent the most time with them. For every person you meet slightly alters your personality.
The next person you high five, say hello to, or have some sort of interaction will somewhat impact your life. So it's best to do the same and don't be a butt because then everyone will become a butt. It's the circle of life.
Morals, Sold To the Woman In Back
Sometimes I wish I could sell my morals away to people who need them, because as stated in a past blog entry I'm sick of being a goody two shoes. Ever sense I bought the new Imagine Dragons album I been questioning all the music I listen to on YouTube finding myself with two choices; A. Buy the music, B. Don't listen to it. Which sucks because if I do listen to it I feel bad now and can't enjoy it... in other words I'm pretty sure that morals suck.
My good friend Zeus doesn't believe in morals at all, finds them overrated. Then again, Zeus has a knack for everything being overrated. On the other-hand my online friend who I'll call Virus has the best morals I know. She won't even buy the newest video game because she'll only play it once, despite her family has the most wealth out of the three of us. I'm not so sure if I understand morals much at all... for someone who has been tempted by the corruption surrounding in my daily life I haven't even dented my purity.
All I know is I don't like to sell myself short, if you question my morals I will know the answer in a moment. For example in my class last year the teacher has each student write things we believed in then each of us said it out loud. If we agreed with it we went to the front of the room, disagree we went to the back. I survived near to all of the questions before the one that sort of made me outcast came up; "I believe in God!" screamed out a young man to my left. At first I stood still remaining in the front but I shook my head slowly moving to the back of the room. Because I refuse to sell myself out and that means standing up for my morals.
Now before anybody says anything about the religion, it isn't a for sure thing. Currently, I'm at a state where I'm unsure of reality and fiction. I am questioning pretty much everything that I possibly can, especially religion. Although, I will say it's not simply a phase as I have been against the theory of God for the past few years. That's a story for another time though, because if I plan on becoming the person I want to be I'll have to face it as well.
Back onto topic, morals make me feel like I have little choice on the matter. Despite, the fact that I am allowed to I have decided never to curse. Even as a small child I only spoke the words once, after my mother told me what they were I went into my room and screamed them out loud so they would be out of my system. It worked. The only time I have ever cursed now is when I wish to use the symptom for underworld in a story and google it or when my parents thought it be funny to make me... I cried... I was nine...
When I was younger my father would tell me that I was an angel, with the power to heal. Now I don't think he meant it so literally. Perhaps, he meant I have a good soul and that my hands could change the world; healing the corrupting the best I could. Like, Zeus once asked me "Are you a floater or a changer?" asking if I pass by life or if I interact with it? So maybe my morals aren't so bad after all, it could mean I have the potential to spread my wings and share my cure to the world.
Or not?
My good friend Zeus doesn't believe in morals at all, finds them overrated. Then again, Zeus has a knack for everything being overrated. On the other-hand my online friend who I'll call Virus has the best morals I know. She won't even buy the newest video game because she'll only play it once, despite her family has the most wealth out of the three of us. I'm not so sure if I understand morals much at all... for someone who has been tempted by the corruption surrounding in my daily life I haven't even dented my purity.
All I know is I don't like to sell myself short, if you question my morals I will know the answer in a moment. For example in my class last year the teacher has each student write things we believed in then each of us said it out loud. If we agreed with it we went to the front of the room, disagree we went to the back. I survived near to all of the questions before the one that sort of made me outcast came up; "I believe in God!" screamed out a young man to my left. At first I stood still remaining in the front but I shook my head slowly moving to the back of the room. Because I refuse to sell myself out and that means standing up for my morals.
Now before anybody says anything about the religion, it isn't a for sure thing. Currently, I'm at a state where I'm unsure of reality and fiction. I am questioning pretty much everything that I possibly can, especially religion. Although, I will say it's not simply a phase as I have been against the theory of God for the past few years. That's a story for another time though, because if I plan on becoming the person I want to be I'll have to face it as well.
Back onto topic, morals make me feel like I have little choice on the matter. Despite, the fact that I am allowed to I have decided never to curse. Even as a small child I only spoke the words once, after my mother told me what they were I went into my room and screamed them out loud so they would be out of my system. It worked. The only time I have ever cursed now is when I wish to use the symptom for underworld in a story and google it or when my parents thought it be funny to make me... I cried... I was nine...
When I was younger my father would tell me that I was an angel, with the power to heal. Now I don't think he meant it so literally. Perhaps, he meant I have a good soul and that my hands could change the world; healing the corrupting the best I could. Like, Zeus once asked me "Are you a floater or a changer?" asking if I pass by life or if I interact with it? So maybe my morals aren't so bad after all, it could mean I have the potential to spread my wings and share my cure to the world.
Or not?
Friday, February 20, 2015
Bye, Bye Caged Birdy
Ever had a small bird that is always caged? Trapped within those gray bars, unable to fly back to it's family, even after escape will never truly taste freedom again? Forever wearing the tag of it's imprisonment for the world to see. Some birds embrace it, some fear it's very existence. Some birds can't take it, some birds are strong. My mother is a bird who despite claiming her tag has made her stronger has forever made her a caged animal.
In 2007 my mother went to jail for stealing money from the local school, and returned to a prison in 2010 for the same crime. Sense I have decided that I wish to become the person I want to be instead of what the world has made me I have been getting all these feelings and flashbacks of things I have pushed into a small box and buried in the back yard... ten miles deep. But, of course everything comes up eventually. So now I must deal with them.
It got me wondering if the only way for me to get over it and for my mom to be set free is for me to release her. I know it sounds a little odd but is it possible what's holding us back is I am attaching onto it? Maybe, we need to talk about it and deal with the situation. The thing is with the undergoing move and the fact my step sister is moving out this evening now may not be the right time. So instead I decided to lay down for a little while.
I wake up in the middle of dawn, a beautify blue where the snow is shinning as swirls in the sky spin slowly around. The moon rested nicely looking down on me like my guardian angel. But, within a second of hesitation where I looked away I found my return view to be a bleak brown darkening sky. It started to make me think about how I'm in the middle of a storm, that moment of freedom from it's wrath was an illusion.
My step sister, whom I feel a sibling love for is moving out within the next few hours. The next time I slip down stairs she may already be gone. It's not the time to pin her down or try to waste her remaining seconds away. She is a sweet innocentgirl woman who I've spent the last four years with, slowly finding my self to trust and rely on her. But, we're all a bird and now I must let her fly away. The only thing I can say or do is tell her goodbye. Wither she comes back is up to the wind, up to the storm around us, and up to her willingness.
In order to release the people you love you have to accept that goodbye is inevitable. In order to set my mother free I have to accept these feelings I'm having, wither we talk it out or not. The only real way to let her free is to let go. In the end that's all that matter. So it's all about letting this feelings in and dealing with them whichever I must. If that means talking it out then it does, if it means using other methods those work too. The only way to free a caged bird is to free yourself.
In 2007 my mother went to jail for stealing money from the local school, and returned to a prison in 2010 for the same crime. Sense I have decided that I wish to become the person I want to be instead of what the world has made me I have been getting all these feelings and flashbacks of things I have pushed into a small box and buried in the back yard... ten miles deep. But, of course everything comes up eventually. So now I must deal with them.
It got me wondering if the only way for me to get over it and for my mom to be set free is for me to release her. I know it sounds a little odd but is it possible what's holding us back is I am attaching onto it? Maybe, we need to talk about it and deal with the situation. The thing is with the undergoing move and the fact my step sister is moving out this evening now may not be the right time. So instead I decided to lay down for a little while.
I wake up in the middle of dawn, a beautify blue where the snow is shinning as swirls in the sky spin slowly around. The moon rested nicely looking down on me like my guardian angel. But, within a second of hesitation where I looked away I found my return view to be a bleak brown darkening sky. It started to make me think about how I'm in the middle of a storm, that moment of freedom from it's wrath was an illusion.
My step sister, whom I feel a sibling love for is moving out within the next few hours. The next time I slip down stairs she may already be gone. It's not the time to pin her down or try to waste her remaining seconds away. She is a sweet innocent
In order to release the people you love you have to accept that goodbye is inevitable. In order to set my mother free I have to accept these feelings I'm having, wither we talk it out or not. The only real way to let her free is to let go. In the end that's all that matter. So it's all about letting this feelings in and dealing with them whichever I must. If that means talking it out then it does, if it means using other methods those work too. The only way to free a caged bird is to free yourself.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Don't Sink a Ship While It Drowns
I'm sort of having a melt down that is but isn't about my favorite band imagine dragons, that's the tip of the iceberg heading for an already sinking ship. It all started at one AM when I stayed up to snag Imagine Dragons new album on YouTube so I could hear the songs before I bought the album. But, I decided to download them because my app that is by YouTube allows it and even suggests it. Of course with the full intention of actually buying the album later in the day.
But, then I started thinking...
What's the point? All of my friends and family download all their music without any repercussions. Despite this I pushed past and tried to buy the music. I only ran into more and more complications. Some websites didn't share their music with the United States for some reason, some websites wouldn't let me do it, and some websites didn't get enough info for me to even know what I'm doing but in the end I finally found it. Of course it doesn't have a digital copy and that's what I wanted...
Either way this started me thinking that maybe I should burn my little white angel wings, throw away my goody two shoes, and let out my dark side. In the past I was afraid that if I let the darkness of the world corrupt me that I would become something I couldn't look at in the mirror. But, being good gets me nothing but bad. By trying to stay uncorrupted by this world I'm not living in it. Little by little I am turning into something else and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. What is good and bad anymore? #Rethinkingexistance
Basically if you notice someone sinking down with the ship you should send them a lifeboat inside of an iceberk. Cause those ice shards are going to cause so much turmoil it's going to impact the mental stability of said person. It could break them completely. Luckily, I think my little mental spout was just a today thing...
But, then I started thinking...
What's the point? All of my friends and family download all their music without any repercussions. Despite this I pushed past and tried to buy the music. I only ran into more and more complications. Some websites didn't share their music with the United States for some reason, some websites wouldn't let me do it, and some websites didn't get enough info for me to even know what I'm doing but in the end I finally found it. Of course it doesn't have a digital copy and that's what I wanted...
Either way this started me thinking that maybe I should burn my little white angel wings, throw away my goody two shoes, and let out my dark side. In the past I was afraid that if I let the darkness of the world corrupt me that I would become something I couldn't look at in the mirror. But, being good gets me nothing but bad. By trying to stay uncorrupted by this world I'm not living in it. Little by little I am turning into something else and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. What is good and bad anymore? #Rethinkingexistance
Basically if you notice someone sinking down with the ship you should send them a lifeboat inside of an iceberk. Cause those ice shards are going to cause so much turmoil it's going to impact the mental stability of said person. It could break them completely. Luckily, I think my little mental spout was just a today thing...
The Road Between Fiction and Reality
Mystic
Insane or Intuitive?
Mad or Magic?
Crazy or Clairvoyance?
Reality or Fiction?
Just a few days ago my life began to twist and turn breaking the very foundation of my reality. It started when my parents took the already planned move to Texas to a surprise turn around. Instead we're moving back where we came from which has many ups and downs in itself. Either way it stressed me out so much I started to see my normal hallucinations at a sort of extreme measure. At one point the world literarily started to move into a twirl.
I wouldn't think that would be an effect of my first time having beer (and going way to far) in an attempt to both fit in and silence the voice in my head. After finding "fitting it," to be completely useless and my voice to actually be stronger and louder.. Then, I continuously threw up for twelve hours strait until I came across something called "dry heaves," and swore off drinking forever. For anybody reading who hasn't tried drinking yet I'll leave you with a, "It's not worth it," and anew.
Still my little drinking exploration happened days prior to my twirl hallucination where everything would have been out of my system. Either way it wasn't much different then some of my other little reality trips. Like, when I missed a step in school one day and was suddenly falling from the sky for what felt like forever. And, no folks I don't do drugs of any kind or drink other then that one time. Seriously, I'm not that kind of teenager who parties and sleeps with every living creature of the human race.
I'm pretty much a goody two shoes who does nothing he isn't supposed to, but then again I have parents who let me go to a party whenever I wish. Still despite this I still find myself unable to do anything so called "wrong,". Heck, I cannot even curse even though my family does it non-stop. It's sort of like I don't know how to be, "bad," and my desires don't revolve around bending the rules. Except chewing gum in school. That rule is stupid.
Oh, I'm a writer (and sucks at it) whose life remains mostly online with little contact to the real world. I have a single real life friend who I barely get to see because he lives far away, but I'm moving back so I'll see him more. For the sake of his disclosure I'll call him Zeus. We're the normal pals who talk about well.. not your normal "guy," stuffs. Mostly because I don't really care much for sex and don't believe I have sexual attraction for anyone; Asexuality. We are on a different level of people, surprised our relationship has lasted this long, but for some reason he enjoys talking and spending time with me.
So the question is what is this blog? This blog is about me, a teenager boy working on his way to manhood while struggling with hallucinations, premonitions, delusions, TV drama, and the occasional plot twist of life. Want to read and find out exactly how the world works in the mind of a reality losing teenager who is outside of the norm? Well, buckle in because it's going to be a bumpy ride.
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