I'm Not Me

This is a theory that I've had for a while and while it doesn't make the best of sense when you say it outloud, it bothers me. I call it the Clone Theory where there is multiple versions of me that have taken place throughout the eighteen years I have "lived,". It's weird to think about this one, but I went over the Silver Penny theory and that one is just as weird as this one. That one could explain this theory and this one could explain that one.

I died. Like, when I drown when I was younger. At that moment I went under the water and didn't come back up. Instead my parents, or someone else, made a new version of me with memories of my past life, but I wasn't the same. Suddenly, I forgot how to tie my shoes or didn't like something I liked before. Looking back, there are moments in time that are blurry and some moments that are wrong all together.

I have memories that never happened, and then I also have blank spaces in my memory. I even have memories of watching myself do something. I have this one where I'm watching a fire, but in the memory I can see myself watching it. Like, I was someone else watching the past version of me do that. Could my memories be fake? I can't explain my memories and it freaks me out to think that I'm not the original me.

I have this memory of riding a bike. Except I never learned. I wouldn't know what to do if I could... and I can't because I always been too scared to. Still, is that memory, like other memories, in my head that is just as strong as a memory I just made half an hour ago. I remember the feeling of the wind. Yet I also know for a matter of a fact that I never learned to ride one. It's like that was another me's memories leaking through.

The other possibility is that I've just lived many lives. According to Jason, I been alive at least fourteen times now. Every other time I'm alive and Jason is a voice in my head, or vise versa for when I die. I don't know how much I believe that, but it is possible that the world is rebooted every time I die. Like, until I get things right time will just keep resetting on me. That's a little crazy, as it's a wild card, but it's still possible.

My point on the bike memory is that I remember every detail of it. The wind, the bike, and the area around me. Except it never happened. And, as a writer I struggle to come up with detail myself. I can hardly remember the moment that happened five minites ago in as much detail as I can this memory. Almost as if... it's staged. It's almost as if it doesn't belong to me. Like, it's not MY memory. It's almost as if... I'm not me.

Oh, Nuts!

My immediate family and a family friend just all went to a Nutcracker event with at least thirty different human-sized nutcrackers that are each themed differently. There was a Clark Kent one that I got picture of me fistbumping. It went pretty well. Anatomy was cold as she's not used to it being so cold as she's from down south. I was in short though and to me it wasn't that cold. I think it made a good family event.

Nutcrackers have always meant a lot my family. We used to have a neighbor who would bring over candy to me every time he got the chance. The problem is; I didn't eat much candy. I would barely eat any sweets growing up. Cookies would go bad. There was this time where I found a green cookie and I thought it went bad, but acually it meant I won a gamecube. That's how I got into playing video games. Sort of. There is more to that story, but it had to do with my step dad's kids trying to play with me and it made me jump in. I didn't get really into gaming until I met the wonderfulness that is Pokemon. 

I'm getting off base. There was this neighbor who would bring over candy. Well, I guess he found out that I didn't like candy. So for Christmas one year he brought me a nutcracker. I found out he loved nutcrackers. From that day forth I always wanted to buy him one. I did. But, it was too late. After we bought it, years passed and we kept forgetting to take it to him. Eventually he passed away and we never got to give it to him. It was the first time I knew someone who died, but at this point I hadn't seen him in years and wasn't as effected to it. 

Still, when I was going through my depression a few years back I put the nutcracker in room and it made me feel safe. Sort of like how I sleep with my grandfather's blanket now. It was like I could feel the energy coming off of it. That's something I noticed about myself. If something is or was important to me at one point I can still feel the power radiating off of it. I can't quite explain it, but it makes me feel good. I think it's like how some people feel about seeing a picture of a good day. 

Last week my mom and I were rearranging the living room and the nutcracker came crashing down. It's hat, which was part of it's body, broke apart. It was like all that energy just emerged from it. I want to put it back together and see if that energy comes back. I feel like death is hard for me because there is always unfinished business. With my dog I went to my nanny's while it died in it's sleep and I always felt bad for leaving it behind. With my grandfather I always wanted to take him out to eat where he always takes me. Except I never did. And, with this neighbor I never got to give him his nutcracker. 

I don't know what happened, but as I said in my last blog, I've opened pandora's box. Zeus always told me that if I stuffed my feelings into a box that eventually it would explode. Now I have these feelings flowing through me of all the things I tried my best to not think about. I feel like I have so much unfinished business now with the dead and the living. Things I just don't know how to let go off... I need release, but I'm stuck. 

Songs That Hurt the Most

When you rediscover an old song you would listen to a lot and it brings back old memories and feelings you have forgotten about. I can't explain well enough how much it hurts for something you don't think about come back up. An argument that you had three years ago coming back to mess up your relationships. This ranges from my mom, to my depression time, to my step dad, to when Zeus and I stopped being friends. And, under the roof of Imagine Dragons.

"I'm So Sorry," reminds of how angry I can get at my step dad, but more so how some of the things he does makes me feel unloved. The things he says to me as he claims he's trying to make me stronger just hurts. Bad. It feels like he doesn't love me. "The son of a step father... I'M SO SORRY," just means so much to me. I feel like he always blames me anytime anything goes wrong or if my baby brother gets hurt. One time Trevir fell when they were watching TV and busted his lip. I was in the middle of cooking and I couldn't watch him and I told them that. Still, when he got hurt for tripping on the end of a chair... which I couldn't have prevented, that look I got from my step dad destroyed me inside.

"Polaroid," is even more complicated. "I'm a shut up, sit down," is how my dad's side of my family has always made me feel. Not so much anymore, but before I would be judged for everything I did. If you listen to the song and keep in the mind of being judged, having family members that are pedestals compared to others who are way underneath, and my mental health "I'm a head case," you'll see how the song relates to me. I love them, but how some of them just judge me over and over hurts.

"Release," is another one that hits hard. To me it's like finally wanting to let go after years of torment which is how I felt during my depression a few years back. I didn't go so far as WANTING to kill myself, but it crossed my mind. That was a bad time in my life. First off, I was losing my mind, and secondly I was failing school. I couldn't keep up with an online school. It's hard enough having to do eight hours of work, but also to do about that much in videos you have to watch.. and even then I just didn't get the concept of half the things I had "learned,".

"Dream," makes me think that life just isn't real. Which is how I feel sometimes. Like, I'm in a computer of some sort and this is all an illusion. I don't want it to be like that. "Monster," reminds me of a time where I felt like I was going to turn into a serial killer. I mean.. I worried about it. I worried that my mental health would take control and there wouldn't be any me left. Just someone who has no care for the people I once loved. So far that hasn't happened, but I still worry....

"My Fault," is just between me and Zeus when we got into this really big fight that ended our friendship. It sort of turned into a whole thing where I kind of chose someone else over him. I was also mad at him though for making me choose in the first place. Or some of the other things he did to me. I felt like it was my fault for ending our friendship last time I heard this song, but now I'm acually angry that I let him win every single argument we ever had especially the big one where HE MADE ME CHOOSE. He's my best friend, and I won't bring this up, because I don't want him to get upset, but this is a feeling that came back to me.

So Imagine Dragons hits hard for me. Some of their songs bring back feelings. I feel like I've opened part of pandora's box and now all those feelings that I locked away are rushing back. And, instead of being sad like I was... I'm seriously angry. I may have made a lot of mistakes, but I been wronged too and now it's coming back to making me angry. I love all the people I mentioned in this blog, but that doesn't make the anger any less. I didn't forget that I would come home crying from my grandparents, or feeling upset when Logan would say something mean, or how hurt I felt when my mom went to prison. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings, but they're here and I have to deal with them.

The Thing About Guest Stars

They don't last long. I can't say how many people have come and left in my life. Especially when it comes to friends I've made that I've been forced to leave behind. My favorite therapist of all time that I lost when I moved and that I'll never talk to again. Even if I returned to that town, I'm an adult now and he won't see me. Even if I saw him outside of the therapy office he wouldn't be allowed to talk to me. And, what would I even say? I didn't know much about him other then that he loves superheroes and commonly had action figures around his office. I don't know him at all.

That's the thing with guest stars. We learn a little about them in the short time we got to see them, but eventually they'll leave and we'll never learn more. Sometimes they come back, but only for an episode here and there. Never will they be main characters again. Like, with Anatomy. She's my stepsister who is from another state far, far away to where I'll never be able to see her. Soon she'll return to her proper place and be gone out of our lives for what could be forever. We might see her in a special episode, but she'll never be a part of the major cast again.

It's not always that way though. think my mom and Zeus are two examples. My mom left me twice. Once for five months, so a season or maybe even half a season while later she left for an entire year and maybe even two seasons. I believe season eight she left in and season ten she returned in. But, she came back. And, when I switched schools for four years I left it to where Zeus and I weren't even friends. Still, over time we made up online and over the years he was a guest star for the big events, and then eventually he became a main character in my last year of high school.

Anatomy and I were talking. She said she feels like she's just a guest star on other people's shows. I can see that. Personally, I think that she would make an amazing series. It would have lots of twists and would be different from my own where it would be featured with flashbacks that she's getting. Still, I can see what she means. She never feels like she's the main person in her life. Like, she's always second to her mom or brother. Even now, she feels like she's on mine or her father's show as a guest star.

Guest stars come and go. That would be a problem to be one. Except, for some people I was that guest star. For my friends I left at my old school they all continued to be the main characters and my character was the one to leave. The story of life doesn't always directly follow me. That's the thing about guest stars, they come and go, but you would rather have them in the long run. Because they make those episodes that more special.

Behind Locked Doors

I've never written this blog; a post about my stays behind locked doors. In a children's mental hospital things can get complicated. At some point you start to like being there, sometimes you fall for the trap that it is. I've been hospitalized for eight to ten days, three separate times and once as partial. It's terrifying being in a place where you're not allowed to leave. Behind those doors things happen that normal people don't get to experience.

First off, you have "normies," who are the people who are only in there due to suicidal thoughts or attempts. I'm not trying to take away the importance of these people getting help, of course not, there are times where it's more important for someone like this to be taken care of then someone with a mental disorder. These are just people who have fallen on bad times or are lost in the discovery of finding themselves and need a direction to follow.

Then you have the "drug addicts,". These people are the ones who are going through withdraws because they're used to being hooked up on drugs. A lot of the time they have some crazy stories they'll tell you that you can't trust if they're true or not. They're kind of like normies, just good people who fall into bad times. Sometimes they are lost causes and nothing can change their mind except themselves. It takes will to change something that powerful such as an addiction.

There is the "trauma patients," who are those who are people who have witnessed or undergone something terrible and have side effects from it. A lot of the time it's an accident, or more common is sexual abuse. They're also usually suicidal which is understandable, but they need help nonetheless. I feel bad for these type of people. They're usually not open at all, or way too much.

"Bulls," are those who get mad very easily. I don't really have much to say about these kinds of people. It's not their fault. A lot of the time they just find their emotions to be too much. I find myself angry at times, a little too much more lately, but I wouldn' go as far as tossing a chair through the glass window or biting a staff member. A lot of the times though, these people are properly medicated once you meet them and rarely react.

"Commons," these are the types of people you are unsure if they actually have anything wrong with them. A lot of the times it's just anxiety. I met a few people like this that I really tend to like. Even if they have a major disorder, these people are pretty chill and fun to be with. I find that most of those that are in the hospital end up like this by the end of their stay. I was actually sad to see them go because it was really fun spending time with them.

And, finally there is one more that I'm going to talk about today. Me, which is basically someone who isn't like anyone else in the group. It's the "Outcast among the outcasts," that just stands out from everyone else. Sometimes I was this person and sometimes I wasn't. I find everyone ends up being this person, or feeling like this one, at some point during their stay. It's a crazy ride and there are plenty of people to meet that don't follow this. Don't be scared if you meet someone who has anger issues or can't tell the difference between reality and fiction sometimes because as long as you're behind those locked doors you're safe. It's the one place nobody can get you. Not even the demons in your head.

Aura You Aren't Glad I Didn't Say Psychic?

This is officially my favorite title ever. One of things I dealt with growing up was thinking that I had psychic abilities. I mentioned this before, but now I'm going to go into more detail. Anatomy, my sister who is staying with us for a few months until she returns to Texas, has a set of tarot cards she has where she sometimes does my future. And, most of the time it happens to be on the spot. Basically what mine said this time around was tell me to take my time with my support group and not to overwhelm myself with writing projects again. It also told me I need to finally let go of a project that is holding me back. The card actually said that, it was pretty crazy.

It's weird because I used to have this really big project called Open World. It was an RP and book series I worked hard on for about two years when it failed it utterly crushed me. I stopped writing for a few months. A lot of that had to do with my medication as well which was making me depressed, but that project is what was holding me back. As much I want to finish it, I realized it's too much to handle and have finally decided to let it go.

The point of this blog is when Anatomy does her card trick I can feel the energy coming off of them. I don't necessarily think that I have psychic abilities, but that everyone does and mine are just more connected. I think this is because of how I still have a lot of my innocence and thus never outgrew my psychic urges. I think it has something to do with Jason. An online friend once said that Jason could be my intuition taking form as a voice. It would make sense if not for the power he has over me....

So sometimes I get sexual thoughts and lately when I try to act on them in the slightest I get this killer headache that forces me to sleep. I nearly callaposed earlier from it. I explained it, in simpler terms, to my mom, but she didn't have an answer for me. It's not the normal headache that I get, but instead one that likes something in my brain just popped. I just got over the whole feeling guilty of having sexual thoughts and got the point where I want to discover my sexuality and now if I think too many of these thoughts I get sick.

That's what makes me think that something is wrong in my head. I hallucinatie, have a voice, massive headaches, don't think sexual thoughts normally, and possible all because of psychic abilities. If I could access the rest of these abilities then I might be able to put a stop to all the side effects. Or maybe the psychic abilities are in fact a effect in itself. Like, all of it is because I have something physically wrong with my head. Like, I'm broken.

I feel like I can't have sex because of this. Like, I'm not allowed to think normal thoughts. I hit my head that day where I almost drown and I now wonder if I broke something inside of it. Because after that point I went to middle school and started hearing Jason. I don't know if I'm psychic for say, but I can say that something is definitely wrong. I should be able to think sexual thoughts without having a killer migraine kick in. It's like I'm hit with a hammer. It's like Jason doesn't want me to think sexual thoughts, but then again...

I have a confession to make. Jason is usually the one who walks me through sexual thoughts. When he went away for those few months I didn't think anything sexual much at all, and didn't/don't much to begin with. Even when I did, I didn't know what to do with myself. Jason is the one who walked me through everything. So I think this headache might be either psychic powers coming through, Jason fighting back or torturing me, a side effect from my meds, or possibly it's just how my brain is wired.

What if it's just how my brain works? If I'm just physically unable to think a certain way and trying has a painful result? If I'm not exactly asexual... because I do think sexual thoughts, just not usually about other people. Most sexual thoughts I have are Jason telling me I have to do something like be nude in public or I'll turn on the cold water slightly in the shower. It's not like I'm imagining juggling boobs. Trust me, I've tried, it just never worked. So I'm thinking that maybe I'm just wired a certain way and that is just the way the world works for me.

That is totally unfair. I don't like kids much, but that doesn't mean I don't ever want to start a family. Maybe I would love my own kids. I love my brother, after all. We fight a lot though and I don't trust myself with raising a child. Not to mention that I can't have sex. Not only do I feel it's gross, but I also don't like touching people and if so, only for a short amount of time. Hugs are hard, really hard. Thirdly, I'm not attracted to either gender in the slightest. And, fourthly I'm having physical pain when I try. Pain that lasts a long, long time.

I'm hoping I can figure this all out one day. I have a few people I can ask, but it's embarrassing. I mean.. anything sexual is embarrassing. Everyone knows I don't think of either gender as "hot," so it's weird for anyone to think that I think sexual thoughts at all. Nobody really understands. I just wish there was someone out there who felt the same way I did. I never been in a real relationship before... I wonder what it's like?

Under the Water

It was 2006 when I almost drown. Every now and then when water splashes my face in the shower I can feel myself drowning all over again. That was so long ago that I thought it would resolved by now. Still, if water hits me in a certain way I feel like I'm under that water all over again. I was affected very much at first and I forgot about it for a while, but it came up in therapy a few years ago and now it's become sort of a problem for me. The worst part is I had dragged my mom down with me.

I wasn't ever fan of amusement parks. I easily got sick by motions. I missed a lot of school and couldn't go on long car rides because of this. I threw up at least a quarter of my dinners growing up. I got so trained that I would never miss. I would almost always make it to a trash can or bucket for me to throw up in. Still when my mom told me I was going to this one water park I was excited. I know I had fun, but I remember the day as a series of bad events.

I was scared to go down any real rides so we went to the wave pool. We stayed in the front of it so I didn't get pushed under by the powerful waves. I remember it as being fun. Then my mom and I went on the ride that nearly killed me. It was fun going down the slide part, I'm sure, but when I reached the bottom was a long drop into the cold water below. I didn't come up. At first I was pushed deep under the water where I think I almost hit the bottom and then I pushed my way back up.

I didn't learn to swim properly for a long time after this and even now I don't have the best motor skills. Apparently, I didn't crawl enough as a kid and now my motor skills are all messed up. I could switch a pencil from it's pointy side to eraser side with one hand for the longest time. And, I never learned to ride a bike. So I wasn't the best swimmer when I was pushed under that water. My mom had come down at some point as well and tried to save me, but I was pulling her under. Scared for my life I was trying to pull myself up.

The lifeguard jumped in and pulled me out first and then my mom was able to recover and swim to safety. I was alive, but very shaken up. I love swimming now so I'm not as scared as I was back then, but it still haunts me from time to time. I won't ever go on a water ride, or really any ride, every again though. Even now I'll get sick. Later that day I ended up hitting my head really hard and having the park nurse check me out. She said I was fine so my mom took me to Build a bear. I remember now, I had only agreed to go to this park if I got to go to Build a bear after! That's right. It was a scary event for me, but it turned out on top so I guess that's good. It just wasn't one of my days.

That Question Everyone Asks

This is seriously the most annoying question anyone can ask me. "How are you?" because usually they don't actually want me to tell them exactly how it isn't going so great, but still I feel forced to say, "Good,". My brother just had his birthday party and a lot of my family came and I kept getting asked that question. I mean at least I'm not as bad as I was before, and I'm on the road to recovery. So when I say "good," I sort of mean it. At least I did today.

I mean Pokemon just came out with a new game and I been informed I'll be getting the new Nintendo Switch around the time it comes unlike the Wii U where I waited till a year before it stopped production. I'm in a support group that I'm really excited for. And, my medication is finally working. Even though I still has Jason and the squiggles and.. well.. I just haven't been getting scared as much. I used to have paranoia attacks, but they have seemed to come to a stop with this medication.

No, I didn't say "panic attack.". I said "paranoia attack." and they aren't in any way the same thing. A panic attack, for me anyway, is like when I'm in a crowded hallway and surrounded by people and I have a test coming up and... I end up pacing in the bathroom instead of taking my test. A panic attack is where you have trouble breathing and you feel grounded like you can't escape. What I'm talking about is completely different. When I get paranoid I go completely numb and can't make sense of my surroundings. I will commonly find myself unable to stop laughing and sometimes pacing back and forth for hours at a time. Yes, in both I pace, but in a panic attack I feel stuck while in a paranoia attack I feel like I could simply float away.

I decided that I'm not able to work, right now. I talked it over with any online friend who explained to me that with all my issues and current side effects that I should build my way back up before I try working again. School nearly killed me, especially high school. I never fit in and didn't have a lot of friends, so I ended up with one in my head. I would avoid people at school because the voice wanted me to be alone. That was 6th grade. As much as I love music now, I only really ever got into music to silence the voice.

I'm saying that life hasn't been easy. I've always been the outcast and then with my mental health issues and being at an online school I felt completely alone. It drove me nuts. I was seeing manikin head EVERYWHERE I looked. I couldn't look away without seeing those bodiless girls with the bleeding eyes. Then we somehow got bed bugs. We lived in a big city, it happens, but nobody believed me. It was only in my room and nobody was getting bit except for me... I was failing school so much that I stopped trying, hallucinating out of control, and being bitten by bed bugs all day long as I mostly stayed in bed... and nobody knew. For almost an entire year I went through that and it nearly destroyed me.

So when I told my therapist how I felt he decided it would be best to put me in a support group. I only went once so far, but I actually really like it. I just want to fit in somewhere and that may be one of the only places I can find. I think it's a good thing for me to talk about my problems, but it'll take me a few sessions before I can do so openly. I have said it so many times that talking about some of my hallucinations or side effects doesn't bother me, but some of the harder ones are really hard for me to talk about. Even typing them out for only myself is near to impossible right now, because I'll start to get really scared and then I won't sleep and uh... maybe talking about it in a safe room with a bunch of others around me where they're giving me advice will help?

So basically the question that everyone asks if "Are you okay?" and the answer is always yes even though deep inside it's obviously a "no,". I have gone through alot in my life with my mental health and other events such as my mom going to prison, almost drowning when I was eight or nine, and other events that made me who I am today. I will be able to get past all of this, but I think it'll take months of therapy and proper medication as well as self improvement before I'm ready to jump into the workforce. One step at a time....

Fire In My Belly

I'm really angry right now. Like, want to punch something or just scream. There really isn't any reason why I just tend to get angry from time to time. Like, I have ups and downs and then this. I can go from really high on excitement or really sad to an intense fire in my belly that makes me want to quit everything and just explode. I have a few things I could be upset about, but nothing that should make me this mad. I surly have anger issues and I need to get to the bottom of them.

The problem now that makes me want to smash apart my computer is that I can't find the write song to listen to. I keep shuffling through and everything sounds terrible, even though most of them were favorites of mine at some point. Now I finally found a good song and my two year old brother is leaving me alone and I'm coming down from my anger rush. My head hurts. My ears mostly. I'm coming down with a sickness and it's super frustrating.

What else makes me mad is the fact that I'm trying to type and I'm thinking too fast and my hands can't keep up. Then they start flinching and that just puts me over the top. I want to just write, but I can't focus. I can't even play a video game during this time because I'm afraid of breaking something. Ever few minutes my hands will cramp and I'll let out a little whimper without meaning to. So I'm just plain mad. I just don't have a good reason to be.

Well, there is a few little things that are bothering me other then what I listed. How about the people who said they were my friends barely message me? I don't mean Zeus or some of my online friends. I'm talking about those who I befriended such as Poseidon or Reed who just never seem to message me anymore. Or maybe it has to do with the lack of communication from my father. I got one message from him in past two months and it had to do with him canceling our halloween plans to pass out candy together.

Maybe, it has to do with my mother wanting to have another baby while I can barely handle the toddler that's in the house now. He's so loud and is always hurting me. I don't want another version of him. He's enough as it is. And, he never leaves me alone! I just don't think I can take a second him. I know that doesn't sound very good, but last time I went into the hospital was because I was afraid I was going to hurt him because of how angry he makes me. Usually it's not even him, but just this intense anger that overcomes me. I'm still scared of what I'd do if I accidently lashed out.

So I don't know what I'm going to do about my anger. I should bring it up to my therapist, but we're already focusing on so many other things... Like, important things. I have "emergency sessions," that they scheduled that are only a half hour long to make sure I'm seeing him every other week because I'm "at risk,". He talked me into joining a support group, and I should be going to my second session tomorrow, but I'm skipping out due to feeling ill. I just don't feel like talking... so I'll go the week after Thanksgiving. I hope I can quell this fire in my belly before it explodes...!

My Kryptonite

Everyone has a weakness. Something that can make them collapse in agony, or maybe just cripples their ability to write a research paper. I tend to have many, but the main one is the dreadful.. clang, of metal or glass objects clanning together. Even the thought of pulling two forks out of each other makes me want to throw up and just sends me into panic. So when it comes down to someone washing dishes, I'm forced to leave the room. Even sitting a room away with music going crazy and the TV on I still can hear it and it still... utterly destroys my soul.

I don't know what does this. When I was younger a kid once told me that it was because the demon inside of me didn't react well to high pitched sounds. I've also been told it's because I'm autistic, even if I'm high functioning, and that bad sounds can send me in a flurry. It doesn't feel fair that I can't even wash my own dishes at risk of hearing that.. sound. There is the fact that I suck at washing any dishes. I always end up soaked... and that's not fun when you do it in your cooking class and everyone laughs.

We all know school wasn't easy for me. I wasn't exactly bullied, but I had a lot of people think down on me. That whole "Hey.. buddy.." thing the popular kids would do that not only puts me down, but shows that they don't even know my first name. Of course, in the case I'm talking about it was just the person being nice, but the way they said it made me see how lower of a level I was to them. We were in the same grade level at the time. Still...

He wasn't wrong. I am at a lower level. I don't do sex, or violence, or gore like most of the people my age. I did go to a party once, but we been over that. I think because I'm autistic that I'm a few years behind everyone else. I think I'm more like fourteen then eighteen. That age group where you're just discovering sexual feelings and finding that your friends aren't as close to you as you thought. It's when you spend more time in your room, and when you discover the beauty of music. Basically the start of being a teenager.

I never got to go through Freshman year. So when I went back to public school at the end of my Sophomore year, most of which I spent my school days at a mental hospital, and so went into my Junior year not knowing anything about high school. It took me a while to make friends and I never really recognized that whole "clicks," thing. I been to a bunch of schools and I never knew any of them had it. I see on TV where you have the jocks, nerds, etc but I didn't recognize any of it. I obviously knew when someone in a football jersey was a football player, but I didn't know who was friends with who. And, I didn't remember enough of who was who to care.

Basically I feel like I'm not "there yet," on the whole "normal," level. The problem is it's a false reality if I believe that's ever going to happen. I'm not normal and I have to accept that. I have a mental disorder and side effects from my medications that may mean I can never work, have sex, hang out with more then one or two friends, go to college, or even start a family. Not all things I necessarily want, but...

I mean I can't even take a walk usually without getting scared. Actually, some night I can't even walk through the house without the feeling like she's behind me and about to get me. It's a hallucination I have that has actually attacked me. I think we covered that though. I'm just saying that I'm not exactly your normal human and I shouldn't have high hopes of ever being so. Thinking that one day I'll be covered in Kryptonite and the next I'll be in the clear is false hope. I need to think smaller right now and focus on the the big things like working or college at a later time.

That One About Politics

I figured I'd have to write this blog eventually. I just wish it didn't have to be in the crazy storm that is the #He'sNotMyPresident war. Come on guys, he's your president deal with it. There is no reason to riot or cause death threats towards someone who so far has been all talk. He played us all, and he played it good. Still, he earned the right to sit at the throne of America and make the changes he wishes to make. He won and there isn't anything any of us can do about it. From what I hear the vice president is much, much worse.

Now let me start with this; I couldn't care less about Politics. I know practically nothing about the candidates themselves other then the key points like Hillary's emails. I have no idea what that means though. What she do what her emails, exactly? From what I heard it's either covering something up and someone died or she just used her work email to send a personal message. Either way, people make mistakes and I don't really think she's the devil or anything... of course not. She's just a woman. I actually did a paper on her, but I had no idea what I was doing.

So apparently she didn't do anything in all her years of being a politician. Cool. Has she ever had this much power where she can actually make a change? I think people expect too much out of people. Just because their the king, doesn't mean their made of gold. Someone quote that, it's golden. Okay, jokes aside I don't think Hillary is all that bad. I can agree that if she's has a glimpse of power before and didn't make any changes, then she likely wouldn't be able to do anything for this country.

The next thing about to say might upset some people; I hate guns. I don't think anyone should have them. Cops are shooting people because they think they have one. Imagine a world where nobody has to be afraid that the person next to them on the bus has a gun under that jacket. Except, we do have that worry, and there isn't anything we can do about it. The best thing to do is put some more restrictions on guns instead of outlawing them completely. As much as I  want them to all vanish, then nobody would have anything to defend themselves with. Someone once asked me; would you rather have a gun and feel safe or wonder if everyone around you has a gun? Of course, that mostly just made me paranoid.

Anyway, Trump is President. I would complain like everyone else in my age group, but there is one thing we're all forgetting. WE HAVE NO RIGHT. Seriously, if you didn't vote then you no right to complain about who won the election. You didn't do anything to change it so now you're stuck with it. Because not voting for Hillary is the same as voting for Trump. I just wish I realized this before and now it's too late. So please stop complaining and just give Trump a chance?

No, Mario Don't Jump Off That Ledge!

I have a very serious problem. Well, maybe not that serious. When I play Mario games, or really any game that requires it, the main character is killing themselves and it's all my fault. Kind of. I think my hand is moving on it's own and pressing the down button which if I'm jumping in the air in some games means instant death. I tried to hold my hand in place, but it keeps doing it. Like, I don't have control. It's weird because I have never had this problem until a few days ago and now it's like something that happens everyday. I'm worried.

It's not getting any better. It started with my hand acting up, but then transformed into something much more worrying. First off, I'm dropping things. My hand just loses grip. At first, it was just the left hand, but the right one is doing it to. Or I will suddenly have a hand cramp and feel pain in whatever hand was affected. I completely lose control and before I can even think about it, my hand moves and I drop something or press something I didn't intend to do. So I stopped using that hand, but like I said it's starting up in the other hand too.

It's not just my hand. My feet are almost always tapping. I usually get super annoyed when someone is constantly moving their leg and shaking the whole couch, but now I can't stop doing it. And, there is when my neck quirks out and I find myself bending and shaking it without any control. I don't know what's wrong, but it has to be a side effect from my meds. Hopefully I can talk to my doctor in the next few days and she can tell me what to do.