My new medication may be ruining my life. Some wonderful things I normally love to eat suddenly taste.. terrible! Even my Mac and Cheese has turned into a flavor of burnt chocolate. I couldn't even eat it. I tried a second bite, thinking it would be better, but I almost got sick. I couldn't swallow the food because it was so bad. A food that is usually one of my favorites. What if some of my other favorites become things I can't eat? I'm picking enough. This could kill me, considering how little types of food I eat now... now it's becoming even less. That's exaggerating... I hope.
That's not all that's weird. My dreams are becoming more realistic. Like, instead of being me being chased and in a complete nightmare it was completely normal. Having a conversation with my dad. Drinking a pop. I could feel the cold drink go down my throat, and even taste the Pepsi as it dripping onto my tongue. I have never had a dream where I felt really anything. A year back I felt pain in my dream for the first time and I was completely freaked out.
Like, I said last week things were getting weird. I called it the "Silver Penny Theory," and luckily since I been on these meds I haven't had any more moments where reality just isn't reality. My doctor was happy to hear that today. Still, Jason still is bothering me. He came back after I was taken off a certain medication that made my tongue swelled and I was hospitalized. Due to the fact, I fell out of communication for half a year I didn't get to explain that I was in a children's mental ward back in May. I was under eighteen, unlike now, so I still went to the child/teen center.
Still, I keep waking up during the day and being not sure if I'm awake or not. Because my dreams are becoming more life like, and life is becoming more dream like... the line is getting blurred. Especially at the moment after I take my medication is when I start to feel numb, tired even, but also like I'm asleep. I had a moment a few weeks back, before these meds, that where I wasn't sure AT ALL if I was awake or asleep and I just kept laughing and almost crying and laughing and nearly breaking down into tears. It was madness.
That moment was about when I found these Christmas Tree shaped gems, smooth rocks that I rub, at an online website and I was really tired and nobody else was awake and.. I couldn't be sure. I was afraid if I went to sleep I'd wake up to find it all to have been a dream. See, I've had likely a hundred dreams where I found a cool type of gem that I wanted that turned out to be fake. So when I found Christmas Trees, Turtles, Mushrooms, and more galore.. It just didn't seem real. One, of those "too good to be true,"
And, it was. Turns out on that website I could only buy them in bulk. Which seriously got under my skin. Luckily, after three days of searching I found the Christmas Trees and Turtle gems. I love them and rub them nearly every day. I don't think I need them as much now that I'm not in school and by that not as stressed, but still it's nice to have them and they're fun to collect.
So basically my meds could be effecting my food and dreams... or I'm getting worse, about to fall into a psychosis break that I may never recover from. My doctor and therapist were sure they were going to keep me last week when I told them everything from my previous blog. I wish I could figure out what was wrong with me. But, it's not there is a mystery that is easily solved. There is an answer that I'm just not ready to accept. I'm sick and getting better could take longer then I have.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Thursday, October 13, 2016
The Silver Penny
Sometimes I could have sworn something was one way only to discover it's another. For instance a book in my locker that I know was there before lunch, but find out that later that it isn't there. Next time I checked it was back. Like, the events had changed. Or sometimes when I throw something away and find it's all the way upstairs where I never even had it. A good example is there is three light bulbs on a light in the middle of my room. Two of the lights are blown, but one of them, the farthest one away, was always lit. Earlier tonight the lights flashed off without anyone touching them and now the one closest to me is now on while the rest are off.
I call this the Silver Penny Theory. Basically I put a penny in my pocket overnight that is clearly brown with abraham lincoln on it, I even compared it to another penny, but come morning I discover it's now silver and the face on it can't be made out enough to tell what president it was. Now it was a dime. I could have sworn that it was a penny. I bet on it, but somehow it turned out to be a dime. I rechecked the other penny in the morning and they were different. I put it away and the next time I checked back it was a penny again.
So, what happened exactly? This could be the mental illness talking, but I have a theory, the Silver Penny Theory, where basically there is two timelines. One where the penny was as it seems and one where it's a dime. One where my book is in my locker and one where it isn't. After making this theory, I started to notice moments where things would change. The light in the room would either get brighter or darker, my ears would pop, and small things would be different. I even noticed that the shirt I put on in the morning ended up different by the end of the day.
I can't explain this, but it could go hand in hand with the time traveling jacket. It's like there is two versions of the world, or even more, that is almost exact and I keep switching back and forth between them. This could explain why my memories are commonly known to be wrong. I could be going crazy that I'm starting to think like this, or I'm on to something big. How am I supposed to know?
One time I was throwing away something and it went in the basket, then a second goes by and right in front of my eyes the item that I saw go in the trash is suddenly right besides it. The trash an inch over. It was like a compete glitch in the system, which at the time made me remember something Zeus and I talked about a long time ago. What if this isn't reality? Just a big computer game that goes on and on until our deaths.
The silver penny could be my proof that none of this exists. I'm not sure I want to go down that path, as I feel I could live a short peaceful life until I get to the moment where I screw it up. Still, that moment isn't here right now and I am still able to think rationally. I'd sooner believe in two timelines then to think about that ultimate reality-losing moment. I just got to focus on something else. Something else.
I call this the Silver Penny Theory. Basically I put a penny in my pocket overnight that is clearly brown with abraham lincoln on it, I even compared it to another penny, but come morning I discover it's now silver and the face on it can't be made out enough to tell what president it was. Now it was a dime. I could have sworn that it was a penny. I bet on it, but somehow it turned out to be a dime. I rechecked the other penny in the morning and they were different. I put it away and the next time I checked back it was a penny again.
So, what happened exactly? This could be the mental illness talking, but I have a theory, the Silver Penny Theory, where basically there is two timelines. One where the penny was as it seems and one where it's a dime. One where my book is in my locker and one where it isn't. After making this theory, I started to notice moments where things would change. The light in the room would either get brighter or darker, my ears would pop, and small things would be different. I even noticed that the shirt I put on in the morning ended up different by the end of the day.
I can't explain this, but it could go hand in hand with the time traveling jacket. It's like there is two versions of the world, or even more, that is almost exact and I keep switching back and forth between them. This could explain why my memories are commonly known to be wrong. I could be going crazy that I'm starting to think like this, or I'm on to something big. How am I supposed to know?
One time I was throwing away something and it went in the basket, then a second goes by and right in front of my eyes the item that I saw go in the trash is suddenly right besides it. The trash an inch over. It was like a compete glitch in the system, which at the time made me remember something Zeus and I talked about a long time ago. What if this isn't reality? Just a big computer game that goes on and on until our deaths.
The silver penny could be my proof that none of this exists. I'm not sure I want to go down that path, as I feel I could live a short peaceful life until I get to the moment where I screw it up. Still, that moment isn't here right now and I am still able to think rationally. I'd sooner believe in two timelines then to think about that ultimate reality-losing moment. I just got to focus on something else. Something else.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Eat the Bullet
A couple of days ago I had this paranoia that someone was going to shoot me in the back of the head. I was in the car, way in the back while my mom or step dad drove, and the entire car ride I felt scared. Then my step dad said something about being strong without knowing how I was feeling and told me sometimes you have to "eat the bullet," which got me thinking that they had hired someone to take me out. It seemed too coincidental that I was afraid someone would shoot me and then he said that...
I never felt like that before. I been so scared that I had to check all the doors, under the beds, etc for anyone hiding or trying to get in. I have had the voice in my head, named Jason, telling to me to leave and trying to convince me that I was loved. I had flashes of terrible things happening such as a brute fire and then being terrified in would happen. But, nothing like this. I felt like I was dreaming, but I wasn't.
It was like I was in my own world. I tried to tell my mom I was scared and when my parents went into a building I felt like I was trapped. I couldn't leave the car as I was told to stay, which just scared me even more. I was laying down in the backseat unable to sit up for most of the car ride. Once I was alone I forced myself to sit up, but that just made it worse. Suddenly, everyone around the car could be carrying a weapon. The man standing behind the mailbox, the other man with someone in his hands I couldn't see, or the woman who took an awfully long time getting her purse out of her car.
Finally, when I was home I came down my from my fear. I want to tell my doctor that I see in a month, or the social security people that I see tomorrow, but I'm afraid they'll admit me. What happens if this happens again? What if I do something out of fear? Something bad? I was a little worried to eat dinner that night that my family was going to poison me. Suddenly, I didn't trust them anymore. It took the rest of the day for that wear off, when they all ate the same food as me, for me to truly be okay. My worry about getting worse could come true. Do I tell someone or keep this to myself for a little while?
I never felt like that before. I been so scared that I had to check all the doors, under the beds, etc for anyone hiding or trying to get in. I have had the voice in my head, named Jason, telling to me to leave and trying to convince me that I was loved. I had flashes of terrible things happening such as a brute fire and then being terrified in would happen. But, nothing like this. I felt like I was dreaming, but I wasn't.
It was like I was in my own world. I tried to tell my mom I was scared and when my parents went into a building I felt like I was trapped. I couldn't leave the car as I was told to stay, which just scared me even more. I was laying down in the backseat unable to sit up for most of the car ride. Once I was alone I forced myself to sit up, but that just made it worse. Suddenly, everyone around the car could be carrying a weapon. The man standing behind the mailbox, the other man with someone in his hands I couldn't see, or the woman who took an awfully long time getting her purse out of her car.
Finally, when I was home I came down my from my fear. I want to tell my doctor that I see in a month, or the social security people that I see tomorrow, but I'm afraid they'll admit me. What happens if this happens again? What if I do something out of fear? Something bad? I was a little worried to eat dinner that night that my family was going to poison me. Suddenly, I didn't trust them anymore. It took the rest of the day for that wear off, when they all ate the same food as me, for me to truly be okay. My worry about getting worse could come true. Do I tell someone or keep this to myself for a little while?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)