Present

Nobody is in the Christmas spirit. My parents being my step dad and mom don't feel in the holiday spirit because they can't exactly afford the type of Christmas they want their children to have. Anatomy just misses her twin brother and having the holidays without him will be hard for her. I'm the only one who is even close to a holiday spirit, after my adventure through time and space with the ghost of Christmas Past, but even now I don't feel much for putting up a tree and putting presents on it. Even my grandmother isn't feeling up to our tradition of doing Christmas eve at her house. It just doesn't feel like Christmas.

My mental health seems to be at a standstill. I don't know how to move on from here. Jason has been quiet and the ghost girl hasn't been torturing me as much. The squiggles continue to be the same. This medication could be working after all. Except some nights I still wake up terrified to get out of bed to go to the bathroom or get a drink or pace. Still, it seems to be doing some improvements so my doctor decided to up the medication. Any day now I'll start the upped dose and I'll find out if it has any effect.

I used to have a lot of side effects. Tremors for one where I couldn't control my hand, legs, or neck where it was spazz out randomly. And, a side effect where sexual thoughts brought me a terrible pain in the form of a headache. There was also the possibility of increased anxiety, but I'm unsure about that one. I had to quit my support group because my heart wouldn't stop beating at a rapid rate and I couldn't concrete or speak.

It's not like I have a lot to talk about. My last session with my therapist we mostly talked about glass factories in the area. Because I like glass. I like the guy so I don't want to stop our sessions, but it's getting to a point where we have nothing to talk about. I session before that was worse, it was all about my sexuality. Which I'm still figuring out myself. So I told him the kind of sexual thoughts I had and he replied, "That's not really a sexual thought," and I think I was just too vague and that I could have added more, but was too embarrassed. I don't think about people having sex and all that though. I don't even know what that looks like to imagine it... I mean I know what I've heard from other people, but not enough info to picture it. Not that I even want to picture it.

Anyway, the present isn't appearing all that holiday-like. It seems that nobody is in in the Christmas Spirit this year. The main problem I have with Christmas is I'm not Christian or really any religion that believes in a God. So, why should I celebrate the birth of something I don't believe exists? I almost feel like I'm not allowed to have Christmas if I don't serve God... it feels wrong to do so. So maybe that's my problem.

There is also the fact that I hate gift giving. I don't normally enjoy getting gifts or giving them either. The stress of not liking what someone gives me is heart rattling. It's hard to be excited about this when I'm so nervous of hating what whoever gives me. Especially if it's coming from my mom and it turns out I don't like it. I'm don't have control of my face. Not exactly. Like, if I don't like something it will show on my face and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Christmas just isn't my type of holiday. I don't like holidays in general and Christmas is at the top of the list. So I decided to not celebrate it. It's just that nobody will believe me when I say I'd rather live without the holiday spirit. Despite what I've said for the past two years people still get me gifts and when they wonder why I didn't get them something in return it will be their own fault. I've stated over and over I don't want to do Christmas and still people get me something every year. Christmas is most certainly not for me.

Past

So I don't really like Christmas. I get all nervous about giving or receiving gifts, so I tend to avoid it. I always end up sick right around Christmas. As a kid, I would get worried that I would not like a new toy, or that it would take over and I wouldn't play with my current toys. It was nerve racking even to a ten year old. Plus, I'm religious in the slightest. So... Christmas isn't my thing. I want to like Christmas again like I did when I was younger though so I'm allowing myself to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past.

I imagine this person as my grandfather who recently passed away. They would appear before me when the blanket they would fly off my bed and twist into their face. He would smile at me and take my hand as he flies out the window next to my bed, taking me with him, and we travel back in time to take a look at years of Christmas past. He explains that we need to see how the world was to me so I can take a second look at why Christmas is dreadful to me.

We would appear my early childhood. There I was getting out of bed to open my presents. I looked excited, but something was wrong. The next thing I know younger me is throwing up and is taken to the hospital. I realize that this is my earliest memory and it's surly not a good one. I feel like I ruined Christmas at that moment as my mom has to cancel all her plans to take me to the doctor where I have to stay overnight.

The ghost of Christmas Past then takes me to the next scene. I can see we're at his house and I'm crying. My parents had broken up and now I was upset to just be away from my mom. I watched as I tried to play by myself, but everyone followed me and made jokes or even beat on me. I watched as most of the adults then went to play cards without me. How people would pick on me and I couldn't do anything to fight back.

Time passes and I see the room change to my other grandparents car, my mom's mom, and I remember where we are. I remember how a Christmas song came on and my grandmother burst into tears. She had to pull over because she was crying so hard. She was so distraught because she then told me she was upset because my mom wouldn't be home for the holidays as she was currently in jail. My mom ended up coming home early and was able to make it to the holiday, but at that time all Christmas did was made me feel bad.

After that point most of my Christmas were good. It was just my mom, my step dad, and my step siblings Mist and her brother. The twins were still far, far away and wasn't able to make it in. During that time we didn't have a lot of time to get a lot of gifts, but we still got a decent amount. Christmas was good.... up until the moment where everyone would go off and do their own thing. We didn't see each other until dinner time then everyone took a nap and I was alone until they woke up. Year after year. Last year was good and we spent time together, but by that point the joy of Christmas was already tainted.

I'm then back in my room, sitting back on my bed as I looked to the blanket in my hands. I knew at that moment that my journey wasn't over. I could hear a second more of my grandfather as he explained that I would be visited by two more spirits - the ghost of the future and the ghost of the present. I sat nervously waiting for that to happen. It was only a matter of time before they would arrive and I had no idea who they would be.

Perfect To My Convenience

A lot of the things Jason says are really mean and offense. He calls me a baby and stupid a lot. He certainly knows how to hurt me, but it's not easy to talk about. He just really talks down to me. But, there is something that he says that really urks me to a point of pure frustration. Sometimes I even scream at him. Outloud. I know, not the most sane thing to do.. but.. The thing he says is just so.. he says when I'm having a panic attack or another problem from my mental illness that it's "convenient," for it happen.

As I said in my last blog; I have anxiety. Sometimes that means being unable to take a test properly. When the words would start moving around the page and I couldn't think straight and I could hear was Jason saying how convenient it was that I was having this problem now. See, he makes a good point, but so do I. He says that my mental health only acts up when I don't want to do something. I disagree. I say that it happens most when I'm worried about something.

Still, even then it happens randomly too. I can be going on a walk, or trying to watch a show when I suddenly can't focus on the screen because I have swiggles everywhere. He goes on how it's convenient that I don't have to work or go to college. That I get the easy life. That is SO NOT true. I want meaning in my life that doing those things could bring. Right now the most important thing in my life is video games and writing. That doesn't cut it for me anymore. I miss doing something that pushed for my future.

Jason just thinks that I have it easy. Well, I don't. I have some series issues and side effects that seriously mess with my life. I can't even have a relationship. Even if I got past all my non-serious issues I have the fact I hate being touched by those I'm not extreamly close to like my mom and too much contact by even them will cause me to shut down. Not to mention sexual thoughts are now giving me a killer headache that paralyzes me for the rest of the day.

So, no. It's not convenient to have mental health issues. It's acually really hard to have some of the issues I do. Sure, on the good days it's not as bad, but on those down days. Those days where I come down from my high and simply crash in an explosion of sadness that can last anywhere from a day to six months. And, it's the kind of low that you don't easily come back from. That's not mentioning the psychosis where I get confused about things that I'm not sure about like other timelines.

All I'm saying is Jason has no right to talk to me that way. I know that it's not convenient to be like this just because some aspects of life may be a little easier. So I'm not working right now? That doesn't mean I'm happy with that decision. That doesn't mean life is ten times easier on me in every way? It just means that I'm crutched by something I can't yet control and will need more time before I step into the outside world.

Heart Skips a Beat

I went to support group for the second time today, and while I do like it... It's killing me. When I'm in group my heart is pounding rapidly and I can barely talk. I did better today then I did last time, but not by much. I feel like this has always been a problem for me that none of my doctors have ever addressed. I have really bad anxiety. It's like... make myself sick kind of anxiety and it's been happening my entire life. At that moment I have to speak in front of a crowd, even if it's only ten people, my heart skips a beat.

I was never one to talk much normally as I was always shy. When my step dad came into my life he helped me overcome that, for the most part. All I know is it basically has been happening my whole life. I remember a few moments where my anxiety shook me to the bone. Moments where I'd have to speak in front of the class and either took a failed grade because I simply couldn't step up, or I was so bad at speaking that the teacher asked me to sit back down. It's not the most embarrassing thing in the world, no that was throwing up in front of the entire third and fourth grade...!

I'm even nervous around my best friend. Going to his house or hanging out with him outside of school was always really hard for me. I couldn't breath, worried that I'd say the wrong thing and ruin our entire friendship. He yelled at me once because a side effect I had. I wasn't mad at him, as I was getting annoyed with it myself, but I was then worried he was mad at me. Zeus is my best friend, but I still haven't been over his house in months because it just hurts my heart.

The worst part is when I'm in a large crowd. At my old school there was four floors of steps we had to go up for our next class after lunch and to leave/arrive at school. The hallway was completely filled. I would be unable to breath because I felt trapped. I dodged everyone the best I could, but it wasn't good enough. And, then I'd end up ditching class because I was trying not to throw up in the bathroom. I ended up discovering a second staircase that only a few people used and it was marvelous.

Next up is test anxiety. If I get overwhelmed in anyway I will just shut down. At that moment my brain doesn't work like it should. And, this happens during a test. Suddenly, I'm frozen. I can't move and I can't think. I end up picking the answers that pop out at me without reaching the question because my mind can't make sense of the words. In some cases, the words are literally moving on the page.

For anyone who has anxiety I can only suggest that you find a way to get out of the situation. Find that secret staircase. In a lot of my cases I got the test read to me because I couldn't see it. Of course, I had an IEP which allowed that so it wasn't as easy for some of you. If you're taking a test try not to make it feel like a test. Make it feel like homework that is due, but isn't all that important and isn't half your grade for the semester. Or just freak out. That's what mostly everyone does. I almost passed out once... Health Class in 8th grade. Not good. My mom says I need to be on anxiety meds and I tend to agree.

I'm Not Me

This is a theory that I've had for a while and while it doesn't make the best of sense when you say it outloud, it bothers me. I call it the Clone Theory where there is multiple versions of me that have taken place throughout the eighteen years I have "lived,". It's weird to think about this one, but I went over the Silver Penny theory and that one is just as weird as this one. That one could explain this theory and this one could explain that one.

I died. Like, when I drown when I was younger. At that moment I went under the water and didn't come back up. Instead my parents, or someone else, made a new version of me with memories of my past life, but I wasn't the same. Suddenly, I forgot how to tie my shoes or didn't like something I liked before. Looking back, there are moments in time that are blurry and some moments that are wrong all together.

I have memories that never happened, and then I also have blank spaces in my memory. I even have memories of watching myself do something. I have this one where I'm watching a fire, but in the memory I can see myself watching it. Like, I was someone else watching the past version of me do that. Could my memories be fake? I can't explain my memories and it freaks me out to think that I'm not the original me.

I have this memory of riding a bike. Except I never learned. I wouldn't know what to do if I could... and I can't because I always been too scared to. Still, is that memory, like other memories, in my head that is just as strong as a memory I just made half an hour ago. I remember the feeling of the wind. Yet I also know for a matter of a fact that I never learned to ride one. It's like that was another me's memories leaking through.

The other possibility is that I've just lived many lives. According to Jason, I been alive at least fourteen times now. Every other time I'm alive and Jason is a voice in my head, or vise versa for when I die. I don't know how much I believe that, but it is possible that the world is rebooted every time I die. Like, until I get things right time will just keep resetting on me. That's a little crazy, as it's a wild card, but it's still possible.

My point on the bike memory is that I remember every detail of it. The wind, the bike, and the area around me. Except it never happened. And, as a writer I struggle to come up with detail myself. I can hardly remember the moment that happened five minites ago in as much detail as I can this memory. Almost as if... it's staged. It's almost as if it doesn't belong to me. Like, it's not MY memory. It's almost as if... I'm not me.

Oh, Nuts!

My immediate family and a family friend just all went to a Nutcracker event with at least thirty different human-sized nutcrackers that are each themed differently. There was a Clark Kent one that I got picture of me fistbumping. It went pretty well. Anatomy was cold as she's not used to it being so cold as she's from down south. I was in short though and to me it wasn't that cold. I think it made a good family event.

Nutcrackers have always meant a lot my family. We used to have a neighbor who would bring over candy to me every time he got the chance. The problem is; I didn't eat much candy. I would barely eat any sweets growing up. Cookies would go bad. There was this time where I found a green cookie and I thought it went bad, but acually it meant I won a gamecube. That's how I got into playing video games. Sort of. There is more to that story, but it had to do with my step dad's kids trying to play with me and it made me jump in. I didn't get really into gaming until I met the wonderfulness that is Pokemon. 

I'm getting off base. There was this neighbor who would bring over candy. Well, I guess he found out that I didn't like candy. So for Christmas one year he brought me a nutcracker. I found out he loved nutcrackers. From that day forth I always wanted to buy him one. I did. But, it was too late. After we bought it, years passed and we kept forgetting to take it to him. Eventually he passed away and we never got to give it to him. It was the first time I knew someone who died, but at this point I hadn't seen him in years and wasn't as effected to it. 

Still, when I was going through my depression a few years back I put the nutcracker in room and it made me feel safe. Sort of like how I sleep with my grandfather's blanket now. It was like I could feel the energy coming off of it. That's something I noticed about myself. If something is or was important to me at one point I can still feel the power radiating off of it. I can't quite explain it, but it makes me feel good. I think it's like how some people feel about seeing a picture of a good day. 

Last week my mom and I were rearranging the living room and the nutcracker came crashing down. It's hat, which was part of it's body, broke apart. It was like all that energy just emerged from it. I want to put it back together and see if that energy comes back. I feel like death is hard for me because there is always unfinished business. With my dog I went to my nanny's while it died in it's sleep and I always felt bad for leaving it behind. With my grandfather I always wanted to take him out to eat where he always takes me. Except I never did. And, with this neighbor I never got to give him his nutcracker. 

I don't know what happened, but as I said in my last blog, I've opened pandora's box. Zeus always told me that if I stuffed my feelings into a box that eventually it would explode. Now I have these feelings flowing through me of all the things I tried my best to not think about. I feel like I have so much unfinished business now with the dead and the living. Things I just don't know how to let go off... I need release, but I'm stuck. 

Songs That Hurt the Most

When you rediscover an old song you would listen to a lot and it brings back old memories and feelings you have forgotten about. I can't explain well enough how much it hurts for something you don't think about come back up. An argument that you had three years ago coming back to mess up your relationships. This ranges from my mom, to my depression time, to my step dad, to when Zeus and I stopped being friends. And, under the roof of Imagine Dragons.

"I'm So Sorry," reminds of how angry I can get at my step dad, but more so how some of the things he does makes me feel unloved. The things he says to me as he claims he's trying to make me stronger just hurts. Bad. It feels like he doesn't love me. "The son of a step father... I'M SO SORRY," just means so much to me. I feel like he always blames me anytime anything goes wrong or if my baby brother gets hurt. One time Trevir fell when they were watching TV and busted his lip. I was in the middle of cooking and I couldn't watch him and I told them that. Still, when he got hurt for tripping on the end of a chair... which I couldn't have prevented, that look I got from my step dad destroyed me inside.

"Polaroid," is even more complicated. "I'm a shut up, sit down," is how my dad's side of my family has always made me feel. Not so much anymore, but before I would be judged for everything I did. If you listen to the song and keep in the mind of being judged, having family members that are pedestals compared to others who are way underneath, and my mental health "I'm a head case," you'll see how the song relates to me. I love them, but how some of them just judge me over and over hurts.

"Release," is another one that hits hard. To me it's like finally wanting to let go after years of torment which is how I felt during my depression a few years back. I didn't go so far as WANTING to kill myself, but it crossed my mind. That was a bad time in my life. First off, I was losing my mind, and secondly I was failing school. I couldn't keep up with an online school. It's hard enough having to do eight hours of work, but also to do about that much in videos you have to watch.. and even then I just didn't get the concept of half the things I had "learned,".

"Dream," makes me think that life just isn't real. Which is how I feel sometimes. Like, I'm in a computer of some sort and this is all an illusion. I don't want it to be like that. "Monster," reminds me of a time where I felt like I was going to turn into a serial killer. I mean.. I worried about it. I worried that my mental health would take control and there wouldn't be any me left. Just someone who has no care for the people I once loved. So far that hasn't happened, but I still worry....

"My Fault," is just between me and Zeus when we got into this really big fight that ended our friendship. It sort of turned into a whole thing where I kind of chose someone else over him. I was also mad at him though for making me choose in the first place. Or some of the other things he did to me. I felt like it was my fault for ending our friendship last time I heard this song, but now I'm acually angry that I let him win every single argument we ever had especially the big one where HE MADE ME CHOOSE. He's my best friend, and I won't bring this up, because I don't want him to get upset, but this is a feeling that came back to me.

So Imagine Dragons hits hard for me. Some of their songs bring back feelings. I feel like I've opened part of pandora's box and now all those feelings that I locked away are rushing back. And, instead of being sad like I was... I'm seriously angry. I may have made a lot of mistakes, but I been wronged too and now it's coming back to making me angry. I love all the people I mentioned in this blog, but that doesn't make the anger any less. I didn't forget that I would come home crying from my grandparents, or feeling upset when Logan would say something mean, or how hurt I felt when my mom went to prison. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings, but they're here and I have to deal with them.

The Thing About Guest Stars

They don't last long. I can't say how many people have come and left in my life. Especially when it comes to friends I've made that I've been forced to leave behind. My favorite therapist of all time that I lost when I moved and that I'll never talk to again. Even if I returned to that town, I'm an adult now and he won't see me. Even if I saw him outside of the therapy office he wouldn't be allowed to talk to me. And, what would I even say? I didn't know much about him other then that he loves superheroes and commonly had action figures around his office. I don't know him at all.

That's the thing with guest stars. We learn a little about them in the short time we got to see them, but eventually they'll leave and we'll never learn more. Sometimes they come back, but only for an episode here and there. Never will they be main characters again. Like, with Anatomy. She's my stepsister who is from another state far, far away to where I'll never be able to see her. Soon she'll return to her proper place and be gone out of our lives for what could be forever. We might see her in a special episode, but she'll never be a part of the major cast again.

It's not always that way though. think my mom and Zeus are two examples. My mom left me twice. Once for five months, so a season or maybe even half a season while later she left for an entire year and maybe even two seasons. I believe season eight she left in and season ten she returned in. But, she came back. And, when I switched schools for four years I left it to where Zeus and I weren't even friends. Still, over time we made up online and over the years he was a guest star for the big events, and then eventually he became a main character in my last year of high school.

Anatomy and I were talking. She said she feels like she's just a guest star on other people's shows. I can see that. Personally, I think that she would make an amazing series. It would have lots of twists and would be different from my own where it would be featured with flashbacks that she's getting. Still, I can see what she means. She never feels like she's the main person in her life. Like, she's always second to her mom or brother. Even now, she feels like she's on mine or her father's show as a guest star.

Guest stars come and go. That would be a problem to be one. Except, for some people I was that guest star. For my friends I left at my old school they all continued to be the main characters and my character was the one to leave. The story of life doesn't always directly follow me. That's the thing about guest stars, they come and go, but you would rather have them in the long run. Because they make those episodes that more special.

Behind Locked Doors

I've never written this blog; a post about my stays behind locked doors. In a children's mental hospital things can get complicated. At some point you start to like being there, sometimes you fall for the trap that it is. I've been hospitalized for eight to ten days, three separate times and once as partial. It's terrifying being in a place where you're not allowed to leave. Behind those doors things happen that normal people don't get to experience.

First off, you have "normies," who are the people who are only in there due to suicidal thoughts or attempts. I'm not trying to take away the importance of these people getting help, of course not, there are times where it's more important for someone like this to be taken care of then someone with a mental disorder. These are just people who have fallen on bad times or are lost in the discovery of finding themselves and need a direction to follow.

Then you have the "drug addicts,". These people are the ones who are going through withdraws because they're used to being hooked up on drugs. A lot of the time they have some crazy stories they'll tell you that you can't trust if they're true or not. They're kind of like normies, just good people who fall into bad times. Sometimes they are lost causes and nothing can change their mind except themselves. It takes will to change something that powerful such as an addiction.

There is the "trauma patients," who are those who are people who have witnessed or undergone something terrible and have side effects from it. A lot of the time it's an accident, or more common is sexual abuse. They're also usually suicidal which is understandable, but they need help nonetheless. I feel bad for these type of people. They're usually not open at all, or way too much.

"Bulls," are those who get mad very easily. I don't really have much to say about these kinds of people. It's not their fault. A lot of the time they just find their emotions to be too much. I find myself angry at times, a little too much more lately, but I wouldn' go as far as tossing a chair through the glass window or biting a staff member. A lot of the times though, these people are properly medicated once you meet them and rarely react.

"Commons," these are the types of people you are unsure if they actually have anything wrong with them. A lot of the times it's just anxiety. I met a few people like this that I really tend to like. Even if they have a major disorder, these people are pretty chill and fun to be with. I find that most of those that are in the hospital end up like this by the end of their stay. I was actually sad to see them go because it was really fun spending time with them.

And, finally there is one more that I'm going to talk about today. Me, which is basically someone who isn't like anyone else in the group. It's the "Outcast among the outcasts," that just stands out from everyone else. Sometimes I was this person and sometimes I wasn't. I find everyone ends up being this person, or feeling like this one, at some point during their stay. It's a crazy ride and there are plenty of people to meet that don't follow this. Don't be scared if you meet someone who has anger issues or can't tell the difference between reality and fiction sometimes because as long as you're behind those locked doors you're safe. It's the one place nobody can get you. Not even the demons in your head.

Aura You Aren't Glad I Didn't Say Psychic?

This is officially my favorite title ever. One of things I dealt with growing up was thinking that I had psychic abilities. I mentioned this before, but now I'm going to go into more detail. Anatomy, my sister who is staying with us for a few months until she returns to Texas, has a set of tarot cards she has where she sometimes does my future. And, most of the time it happens to be on the spot. Basically what mine said this time around was tell me to take my time with my support group and not to overwhelm myself with writing projects again. It also told me I need to finally let go of a project that is holding me back. The card actually said that, it was pretty crazy.

It's weird because I used to have this really big project called Open World. It was an RP and book series I worked hard on for about two years when it failed it utterly crushed me. I stopped writing for a few months. A lot of that had to do with my medication as well which was making me depressed, but that project is what was holding me back. As much I want to finish it, I realized it's too much to handle and have finally decided to let it go.

The point of this blog is when Anatomy does her card trick I can feel the energy coming off of them. I don't necessarily think that I have psychic abilities, but that everyone does and mine are just more connected. I think this is because of how I still have a lot of my innocence and thus never outgrew my psychic urges. I think it has something to do with Jason. An online friend once said that Jason could be my intuition taking form as a voice. It would make sense if not for the power he has over me....

So sometimes I get sexual thoughts and lately when I try to act on them in the slightest I get this killer headache that forces me to sleep. I nearly callaposed earlier from it. I explained it, in simpler terms, to my mom, but she didn't have an answer for me. It's not the normal headache that I get, but instead one that likes something in my brain just popped. I just got over the whole feeling guilty of having sexual thoughts and got the point where I want to discover my sexuality and now if I think too many of these thoughts I get sick.

That's what makes me think that something is wrong in my head. I hallucinatie, have a voice, massive headaches, don't think sexual thoughts normally, and possible all because of psychic abilities. If I could access the rest of these abilities then I might be able to put a stop to all the side effects. Or maybe the psychic abilities are in fact a effect in itself. Like, all of it is because I have something physically wrong with my head. Like, I'm broken.

I feel like I can't have sex because of this. Like, I'm not allowed to think normal thoughts. I hit my head that day where I almost drown and I now wonder if I broke something inside of it. Because after that point I went to middle school and started hearing Jason. I don't know if I'm psychic for say, but I can say that something is definitely wrong. I should be able to think sexual thoughts without having a killer migraine kick in. It's like I'm hit with a hammer. It's like Jason doesn't want me to think sexual thoughts, but then again...

I have a confession to make. Jason is usually the one who walks me through sexual thoughts. When he went away for those few months I didn't think anything sexual much at all, and didn't/don't much to begin with. Even when I did, I didn't know what to do with myself. Jason is the one who walked me through everything. So I think this headache might be either psychic powers coming through, Jason fighting back or torturing me, a side effect from my meds, or possibly it's just how my brain is wired.

What if it's just how my brain works? If I'm just physically unable to think a certain way and trying has a painful result? If I'm not exactly asexual... because I do think sexual thoughts, just not usually about other people. Most sexual thoughts I have are Jason telling me I have to do something like be nude in public or I'll turn on the cold water slightly in the shower. It's not like I'm imagining juggling boobs. Trust me, I've tried, it just never worked. So I'm thinking that maybe I'm just wired a certain way and that is just the way the world works for me.

That is totally unfair. I don't like kids much, but that doesn't mean I don't ever want to start a family. Maybe I would love my own kids. I love my brother, after all. We fight a lot though and I don't trust myself with raising a child. Not to mention that I can't have sex. Not only do I feel it's gross, but I also don't like touching people and if so, only for a short amount of time. Hugs are hard, really hard. Thirdly, I'm not attracted to either gender in the slightest. And, fourthly I'm having physical pain when I try. Pain that lasts a long, long time.

I'm hoping I can figure this all out one day. I have a few people I can ask, but it's embarrassing. I mean.. anything sexual is embarrassing. Everyone knows I don't think of either gender as "hot," so it's weird for anyone to think that I think sexual thoughts at all. Nobody really understands. I just wish there was someone out there who felt the same way I did. I never been in a real relationship before... I wonder what it's like?

Under the Water

It was 2006 when I almost drown. Every now and then when water splashes my face in the shower I can feel myself drowning all over again. That was so long ago that I thought it would resolved by now. Still, if water hits me in a certain way I feel like I'm under that water all over again. I was affected very much at first and I forgot about it for a while, but it came up in therapy a few years ago and now it's become sort of a problem for me. The worst part is I had dragged my mom down with me.

I wasn't ever fan of amusement parks. I easily got sick by motions. I missed a lot of school and couldn't go on long car rides because of this. I threw up at least a quarter of my dinners growing up. I got so trained that I would never miss. I would almost always make it to a trash can or bucket for me to throw up in. Still when my mom told me I was going to this one water park I was excited. I know I had fun, but I remember the day as a series of bad events.

I was scared to go down any real rides so we went to the wave pool. We stayed in the front of it so I didn't get pushed under by the powerful waves. I remember it as being fun. Then my mom and I went on the ride that nearly killed me. It was fun going down the slide part, I'm sure, but when I reached the bottom was a long drop into the cold water below. I didn't come up. At first I was pushed deep under the water where I think I almost hit the bottom and then I pushed my way back up.

I didn't learn to swim properly for a long time after this and even now I don't have the best motor skills. Apparently, I didn't crawl enough as a kid and now my motor skills are all messed up. I could switch a pencil from it's pointy side to eraser side with one hand for the longest time. And, I never learned to ride a bike. So I wasn't the best swimmer when I was pushed under that water. My mom had come down at some point as well and tried to save me, but I was pulling her under. Scared for my life I was trying to pull myself up.

The lifeguard jumped in and pulled me out first and then my mom was able to recover and swim to safety. I was alive, but very shaken up. I love swimming now so I'm not as scared as I was back then, but it still haunts me from time to time. I won't ever go on a water ride, or really any ride, every again though. Even now I'll get sick. Later that day I ended up hitting my head really hard and having the park nurse check me out. She said I was fine so my mom took me to Build a bear. I remember now, I had only agreed to go to this park if I got to go to Build a bear after! That's right. It was a scary event for me, but it turned out on top so I guess that's good. It just wasn't one of my days.

That Question Everyone Asks

This is seriously the most annoying question anyone can ask me. "How are you?" because usually they don't actually want me to tell them exactly how it isn't going so great, but still I feel forced to say, "Good,". My brother just had his birthday party and a lot of my family came and I kept getting asked that question. I mean at least I'm not as bad as I was before, and I'm on the road to recovery. So when I say "good," I sort of mean it. At least I did today.

I mean Pokemon just came out with a new game and I been informed I'll be getting the new Nintendo Switch around the time it comes unlike the Wii U where I waited till a year before it stopped production. I'm in a support group that I'm really excited for. And, my medication is finally working. Even though I still has Jason and the squiggles and.. well.. I just haven't been getting scared as much. I used to have paranoia attacks, but they have seemed to come to a stop with this medication.

No, I didn't say "panic attack.". I said "paranoia attack." and they aren't in any way the same thing. A panic attack, for me anyway, is like when I'm in a crowded hallway and surrounded by people and I have a test coming up and... I end up pacing in the bathroom instead of taking my test. A panic attack is where you have trouble breathing and you feel grounded like you can't escape. What I'm talking about is completely different. When I get paranoid I go completely numb and can't make sense of my surroundings. I will commonly find myself unable to stop laughing and sometimes pacing back and forth for hours at a time. Yes, in both I pace, but in a panic attack I feel stuck while in a paranoia attack I feel like I could simply float away.

I decided that I'm not able to work, right now. I talked it over with any online friend who explained to me that with all my issues and current side effects that I should build my way back up before I try working again. School nearly killed me, especially high school. I never fit in and didn't have a lot of friends, so I ended up with one in my head. I would avoid people at school because the voice wanted me to be alone. That was 6th grade. As much as I love music now, I only really ever got into music to silence the voice.

I'm saying that life hasn't been easy. I've always been the outcast and then with my mental health issues and being at an online school I felt completely alone. It drove me nuts. I was seeing manikin head EVERYWHERE I looked. I couldn't look away without seeing those bodiless girls with the bleeding eyes. Then we somehow got bed bugs. We lived in a big city, it happens, but nobody believed me. It was only in my room and nobody was getting bit except for me... I was failing school so much that I stopped trying, hallucinating out of control, and being bitten by bed bugs all day long as I mostly stayed in bed... and nobody knew. For almost an entire year I went through that and it nearly destroyed me.

So when I told my therapist how I felt he decided it would be best to put me in a support group. I only went once so far, but I actually really like it. I just want to fit in somewhere and that may be one of the only places I can find. I think it's a good thing for me to talk about my problems, but it'll take me a few sessions before I can do so openly. I have said it so many times that talking about some of my hallucinations or side effects doesn't bother me, but some of the harder ones are really hard for me to talk about. Even typing them out for only myself is near to impossible right now, because I'll start to get really scared and then I won't sleep and uh... maybe talking about it in a safe room with a bunch of others around me where they're giving me advice will help?

So basically the question that everyone asks if "Are you okay?" and the answer is always yes even though deep inside it's obviously a "no,". I have gone through alot in my life with my mental health and other events such as my mom going to prison, almost drowning when I was eight or nine, and other events that made me who I am today. I will be able to get past all of this, but I think it'll take months of therapy and proper medication as well as self improvement before I'm ready to jump into the workforce. One step at a time....

Fire In My Belly

I'm really angry right now. Like, want to punch something or just scream. There really isn't any reason why I just tend to get angry from time to time. Like, I have ups and downs and then this. I can go from really high on excitement or really sad to an intense fire in my belly that makes me want to quit everything and just explode. I have a few things I could be upset about, but nothing that should make me this mad. I surly have anger issues and I need to get to the bottom of them.

The problem now that makes me want to smash apart my computer is that I can't find the write song to listen to. I keep shuffling through and everything sounds terrible, even though most of them were favorites of mine at some point. Now I finally found a good song and my two year old brother is leaving me alone and I'm coming down from my anger rush. My head hurts. My ears mostly. I'm coming down with a sickness and it's super frustrating.

What else makes me mad is the fact that I'm trying to type and I'm thinking too fast and my hands can't keep up. Then they start flinching and that just puts me over the top. I want to just write, but I can't focus. I can't even play a video game during this time because I'm afraid of breaking something. Ever few minutes my hands will cramp and I'll let out a little whimper without meaning to. So I'm just plain mad. I just don't have a good reason to be.

Well, there is a few little things that are bothering me other then what I listed. How about the people who said they were my friends barely message me? I don't mean Zeus or some of my online friends. I'm talking about those who I befriended such as Poseidon or Reed who just never seem to message me anymore. Or maybe it has to do with the lack of communication from my father. I got one message from him in past two months and it had to do with him canceling our halloween plans to pass out candy together.

Maybe, it has to do with my mother wanting to have another baby while I can barely handle the toddler that's in the house now. He's so loud and is always hurting me. I don't want another version of him. He's enough as it is. And, he never leaves me alone! I just don't think I can take a second him. I know that doesn't sound very good, but last time I went into the hospital was because I was afraid I was going to hurt him because of how angry he makes me. Usually it's not even him, but just this intense anger that overcomes me. I'm still scared of what I'd do if I accidently lashed out.

So I don't know what I'm going to do about my anger. I should bring it up to my therapist, but we're already focusing on so many other things... Like, important things. I have "emergency sessions," that they scheduled that are only a half hour long to make sure I'm seeing him every other week because I'm "at risk,". He talked me into joining a support group, and I should be going to my second session tomorrow, but I'm skipping out due to feeling ill. I just don't feel like talking... so I'll go the week after Thanksgiving. I hope I can quell this fire in my belly before it explodes...!

My Kryptonite

Everyone has a weakness. Something that can make them collapse in agony, or maybe just cripples their ability to write a research paper. I tend to have many, but the main one is the dreadful.. clang, of metal or glass objects clanning together. Even the thought of pulling two forks out of each other makes me want to throw up and just sends me into panic. So when it comes down to someone washing dishes, I'm forced to leave the room. Even sitting a room away with music going crazy and the TV on I still can hear it and it still... utterly destroys my soul.

I don't know what does this. When I was younger a kid once told me that it was because the demon inside of me didn't react well to high pitched sounds. I've also been told it's because I'm autistic, even if I'm high functioning, and that bad sounds can send me in a flurry. It doesn't feel fair that I can't even wash my own dishes at risk of hearing that.. sound. There is the fact that I suck at washing any dishes. I always end up soaked... and that's not fun when you do it in your cooking class and everyone laughs.

We all know school wasn't easy for me. I wasn't exactly bullied, but I had a lot of people think down on me. That whole "Hey.. buddy.." thing the popular kids would do that not only puts me down, but shows that they don't even know my first name. Of course, in the case I'm talking about it was just the person being nice, but the way they said it made me see how lower of a level I was to them. We were in the same grade level at the time. Still...

He wasn't wrong. I am at a lower level. I don't do sex, or violence, or gore like most of the people my age. I did go to a party once, but we been over that. I think because I'm autistic that I'm a few years behind everyone else. I think I'm more like fourteen then eighteen. That age group where you're just discovering sexual feelings and finding that your friends aren't as close to you as you thought. It's when you spend more time in your room, and when you discover the beauty of music. Basically the start of being a teenager.

I never got to go through Freshman year. So when I went back to public school at the end of my Sophomore year, most of which I spent my school days at a mental hospital, and so went into my Junior year not knowing anything about high school. It took me a while to make friends and I never really recognized that whole "clicks," thing. I been to a bunch of schools and I never knew any of them had it. I see on TV where you have the jocks, nerds, etc but I didn't recognize any of it. I obviously knew when someone in a football jersey was a football player, but I didn't know who was friends with who. And, I didn't remember enough of who was who to care.

Basically I feel like I'm not "there yet," on the whole "normal," level. The problem is it's a false reality if I believe that's ever going to happen. I'm not normal and I have to accept that. I have a mental disorder and side effects from my medications that may mean I can never work, have sex, hang out with more then one or two friends, go to college, or even start a family. Not all things I necessarily want, but...

I mean I can't even take a walk usually without getting scared. Actually, some night I can't even walk through the house without the feeling like she's behind me and about to get me. It's a hallucination I have that has actually attacked me. I think we covered that though. I'm just saying that I'm not exactly your normal human and I shouldn't have high hopes of ever being so. Thinking that one day I'll be covered in Kryptonite and the next I'll be in the clear is false hope. I need to think smaller right now and focus on the the big things like working or college at a later time.

That One About Politics

I figured I'd have to write this blog eventually. I just wish it didn't have to be in the crazy storm that is the #He'sNotMyPresident war. Come on guys, he's your president deal with it. There is no reason to riot or cause death threats towards someone who so far has been all talk. He played us all, and he played it good. Still, he earned the right to sit at the throne of America and make the changes he wishes to make. He won and there isn't anything any of us can do about it. From what I hear the vice president is much, much worse.

Now let me start with this; I couldn't care less about Politics. I know practically nothing about the candidates themselves other then the key points like Hillary's emails. I have no idea what that means though. What she do what her emails, exactly? From what I heard it's either covering something up and someone died or she just used her work email to send a personal message. Either way, people make mistakes and I don't really think she's the devil or anything... of course not. She's just a woman. I actually did a paper on her, but I had no idea what I was doing.

So apparently she didn't do anything in all her years of being a politician. Cool. Has she ever had this much power where she can actually make a change? I think people expect too much out of people. Just because their the king, doesn't mean their made of gold. Someone quote that, it's golden. Okay, jokes aside I don't think Hillary is all that bad. I can agree that if she's has a glimpse of power before and didn't make any changes, then she likely wouldn't be able to do anything for this country.

The next thing about to say might upset some people; I hate guns. I don't think anyone should have them. Cops are shooting people because they think they have one. Imagine a world where nobody has to be afraid that the person next to them on the bus has a gun under that jacket. Except, we do have that worry, and there isn't anything we can do about it. The best thing to do is put some more restrictions on guns instead of outlawing them completely. As much as I  want them to all vanish, then nobody would have anything to defend themselves with. Someone once asked me; would you rather have a gun and feel safe or wonder if everyone around you has a gun? Of course, that mostly just made me paranoid.

Anyway, Trump is President. I would complain like everyone else in my age group, but there is one thing we're all forgetting. WE HAVE NO RIGHT. Seriously, if you didn't vote then you no right to complain about who won the election. You didn't do anything to change it so now you're stuck with it. Because not voting for Hillary is the same as voting for Trump. I just wish I realized this before and now it's too late. So please stop complaining and just give Trump a chance?

No, Mario Don't Jump Off That Ledge!

I have a very serious problem. Well, maybe not that serious. When I play Mario games, or really any game that requires it, the main character is killing themselves and it's all my fault. Kind of. I think my hand is moving on it's own and pressing the down button which if I'm jumping in the air in some games means instant death. I tried to hold my hand in place, but it keeps doing it. Like, I don't have control. It's weird because I have never had this problem until a few days ago and now it's like something that happens everyday. I'm worried.

It's not getting any better. It started with my hand acting up, but then transformed into something much more worrying. First off, I'm dropping things. My hand just loses grip. At first, it was just the left hand, but the right one is doing it to. Or I will suddenly have a hand cramp and feel pain in whatever hand was affected. I completely lose control and before I can even think about it, my hand moves and I drop something or press something I didn't intend to do. So I stopped using that hand, but like I said it's starting up in the other hand too.

It's not just my hand. My feet are almost always tapping. I usually get super annoyed when someone is constantly moving their leg and shaking the whole couch, but now I can't stop doing it. And, there is when my neck quirks out and I find myself bending and shaking it without any control. I don't know what's wrong, but it has to be a side effect from my meds. Hopefully I can talk to my doctor in the next few days and she can tell me what to do.

Don't Eat That, It's Gross Now

My new medication may be ruining my life. Some wonderful things I normally love to eat suddenly taste.. terrible! Even my Mac and Cheese has turned into a flavor of burnt chocolate. I couldn't even eat it. I tried a second bite, thinking it would be better, but I almost got sick. I couldn't swallow the food because it was so bad. A food that is usually one of my favorites. What if some of my other favorites become things I can't eat? I'm picking enough. This could kill me, considering how little types of food I eat now... now it's becoming even less. That's exaggerating... I hope.

That's not all that's weird. My dreams are becoming more realistic. Like, instead of being me being chased and in a complete nightmare it was completely normal. Having a conversation with my dad. Drinking a pop. I could feel the cold drink go down my throat, and even taste the Pepsi as it dripping onto my tongue. I have never had a dream where I felt really anything. A year back I felt pain in my dream for the first time and I was completely freaked out.

Like, I said last week things were getting weird. I called it the "Silver Penny Theory," and luckily since I been on these meds I haven't had any more moments where reality just isn't reality. My doctor was happy to hear that today. Still, Jason still is bothering me. He came back after I was taken off a certain medication that made my tongue swelled and I was hospitalized. Due to the fact, I fell out of communication for half a year I didn't get to explain that I was in a children's mental ward back in May. I was under eighteen, unlike now, so I still went to the child/teen center.

Still, I keep waking up during the day and being not sure if I'm awake or not. Because my dreams are becoming more life like, and life is becoming more dream like... the line is getting blurred. Especially at the moment after I take my medication is when I start to feel numb, tired even, but also like I'm asleep. I had a moment a few weeks back, before these meds, that where I wasn't sure AT ALL if I was awake or asleep and I just kept laughing and almost crying and laughing and nearly breaking down into tears. It was madness.

That moment was about when I found these Christmas Tree shaped gems, smooth rocks that I rub, at an online website and I was really tired and nobody else was awake and.. I couldn't be sure. I was afraid if I went to sleep I'd wake up to find it all to have been a dream. See, I've had likely a hundred dreams where I found a cool type of gem that I wanted that turned out to be fake. So when I found Christmas Trees, Turtles, Mushrooms, and more galore.. It just didn't seem real. One, of those "too good to be true,"

And, it was. Turns out on that website I could only buy them in bulk. Which seriously got under my skin. Luckily, after three days of searching I found the Christmas Trees and Turtle gems. I love them and rub them nearly every day. I don't think I need them as much now that I'm not in school and by that not as stressed, but still it's nice to have them and they're fun to collect.

So basically my meds could be effecting my food and dreams... or I'm getting worse, about to fall into a psychosis break that I may never recover from. My doctor and therapist were sure they were going to keep me last week when I told them everything from my previous blog. I wish I could figure out what was wrong with me. But, it's not there is a mystery that is easily solved. There is an answer that I'm just not ready to accept. I'm sick and getting better could take longer then I have.

The Silver Penny

Sometimes I could have sworn something was one way only to discover it's another. For instance a book in my locker that I know was there before lunch, but find out that later that it isn't there. Next time I checked it was back. Like, the events had changed. Or sometimes when I throw something away and find it's all the way upstairs where I never even had it. A good example is there is three light bulbs on a light in the middle of my room. Two of the lights are blown, but one of them, the farthest one away, was always lit. Earlier tonight the lights flashed off without anyone touching them and now the one closest to me is now on while the rest are off.

I call this the Silver Penny Theory. Basically I put a penny in my pocket overnight that is clearly brown with abraham lincoln on it, I even compared it to another penny, but come morning I discover it's now silver and the face on it can't be made out enough to tell what president it was. Now it was a dime. I could have sworn that it was a penny. I bet on it, but somehow it turned out to be a dime. I rechecked the other penny in the morning and they were different. I put it away and the next time I checked back it was a penny again.

So, what happened exactly? This could be the mental illness talking, but I have a theory, the Silver Penny Theory, where basically there is two timelines. One where the penny was as it seems and one where it's a dime. One where my book is in my locker and one where it isn't. After making this theory, I started to notice moments where things would change. The light in the room would either get brighter or darker, my ears would pop, and small things would be different. I even noticed that the shirt I put on in the morning ended up different by the end of the day.

I can't explain this, but it could go hand in hand with the time traveling jacket. It's like there is two versions of  the world, or even more, that is almost exact and I keep switching back and forth between them. This could explain why my memories are commonly known to be wrong. I could be going crazy that I'm starting to think like this, or I'm on to something big. How am I supposed to know?

One time I was throwing away something and it went in the basket, then a second goes by and right in front of my eyes the item that I saw go in the trash is suddenly right besides it. The trash an inch over. It was like a compete glitch in the system, which at the time made me remember something Zeus and I talked about a long time ago. What if this isn't reality? Just a big computer game that goes on and on until our deaths.

The silver penny could be my proof that none of this exists. I'm not sure I want to go down that path, as I feel I could live a short peaceful life until I get to the moment where I screw it up. Still, that moment isn't here right now and I am still able to think rationally. I'd sooner believe in two timelines then to think about that ultimate reality-losing moment. I just got to focus on something else. Something else.

Eat the Bullet

A couple of days ago I had this paranoia that someone was going to shoot me in the back of the head. I was in the car, way in the back while my mom or step dad drove, and the entire car ride I felt scared. Then my step dad said something about being strong without knowing how I was feeling and told me sometimes you have to "eat the bullet," which got me thinking that they had hired someone to take me out. It seemed too coincidental that I was afraid someone would shoot me and then he said that...

I never felt like that before. I been so scared that I had to check all the doors, under the beds, etc for anyone hiding or trying to get in. I have had the voice in my head, named Jason, telling to me to leave and trying to convince me that I was loved. I had flashes of terrible things happening such as a brute fire and then being terrified in would happen. But, nothing like this. I felt like I was dreaming, but I wasn't.

It was like I was in my own world. I tried to tell my mom I was scared and when my parents went into a building I felt like I was trapped. I couldn't leave the car as I was told to stay, which just scared me even more. I was laying down in the backseat unable to sit up for most of the car ride. Once I was alone I forced myself to sit up, but that just made it worse. Suddenly, everyone around the car could be carrying a weapon. The man standing behind the mailbox, the other man with someone in his hands I couldn't see, or the woman who took an awfully long time getting her purse out of her car.

Finally, when I was home I came down my from my fear. I want to tell my doctor that I see in a month, or the social security people that I see tomorrow, but I'm afraid they'll admit me. What happens if this happens again? What if I do something out of fear? Something bad? I was a little worried to eat dinner that night that my family was going to poison me. Suddenly, I didn't trust them anymore. It took the rest of the day for that wear off, when they all ate the same food as me, for me to truly be okay. My worry about getting worse could come true.  Do I tell someone or keep this to myself for a little while?

That One About Death

Nobody ever died that I knew before. I mean I had an uncle die once, but I didn't really know him. I did have a dog and a series of fish die, but I didn't understand death completely. I still don't. But, now that someone I used to see on a quite frequently has passed away I'm starting to feel paranoid. I can't sleep at night, not that I could before, because I'm worrying of what might happen overnight. I'm beginning to ask myself the same question over and over. Who else is going to die?

I stayed at my nanny's house last night and she has a bird that can speak (what are those called?) so she has a voice recorder saying "I love you," over and over to teach the bird to say it too. It already says "peek-a-boo,". But, all I kept thinking about is who would get that recorder when she dies. Because that person would be able to hear her say "I love you," for a very long time. It would be her voice immortalized.

I lost my grandfather on my dad's side (opposite of my nanny, she's on my mom's side). I'm more worried about what my dad would do. He's already attempted things in the past, and was hospitalized for a few days. I feel bad for him. This must be hard for him. He doesn't feel I need him and that makes me think he'll be taken from this world too. I've never lost one of my main support group members including; my mom, dad, step dad, Mist, and nanny. Now I'm worried I'll lose all of them. My mom is having physical issues I won't get into and I don't know what's wrong with my step dad, but I'm worried about him too.

I'm living on disability with only my step dad working at home out of five (counting a baby) If I lost my mom or step dad I don't know where I would go. If my step dad dies we won't have enough income to survive and if my mom goes... I don't think I'd be able to go on. My mom is the most important person in the world to me. I need her, now more then ever, and if I lose her I simply won't survive long. Unless I was put in a group home for adults, since I'm officially eighteen, and that's like... I just don't think I can go on without my mom.

So every single night I hug my mom three or four times (and many throughout the day) because of how worried I get. I'm even having nightmares about it. Death is a lot scarier then I thought previously. Does this feeling ever go away?

Fifty Stories

This is my 50th blog post on this site, 50 stories that I have told about my life. I have a lot more things to talk about. Yet I'm dealing with a terrible writers block and have found myself unable to tell my story in the slightest. For that, I apologize. I was working on this writing project that I wanted to become a book series, RP for others to play in, and eventually a video game. It's way too big to dream and I got hurt (emotionally) trying to fix a project that I was dying. I'm making the mistake of trying to do it again, because it hurts to not finish it.

My doctor switched me from Bioplar to Schitzoaffective which is a mixture between my previous diagnosis and Schizophrenia. That sucks. It doesn't fix anything right now, maybe in the future, but knowing doesn't help me now. My medication helps with Jason, but I keep seeing things and getting paranoid at night or when I'm alone. I can't be left home alone. I'm also still seeing shapes and letters and squiggles every where I look, even when I close my eyes. That is the reason my doctor changed my diagnosis, because of the squiggles, and likely other reasons I don't know about.

That's why I'm saying - my story isn't going to end very happy under those circumstances. I wrote fifty blogs, fifty stories and each one about "discovering," myself has only confused me even more. Not just sexuality and religion and school, but the fact of knowing what I want to do with my life. I wanted to writer all my life and awhile back I changed it from my life goal to a "hobby," and then it just didn't seem as important.

I wrote fifty stories and I'll likely write fifty more. Just give me some time. I talked about my first (and last) time drinking, my slippery slope, my dreams, my fears, my feelings, my thoughts, and everything in between. I don't know how to move forward with my story. Do I work? How could I possibly work when.. I'm so useless? Not to sound depressing, as I'm not depressed, but it's kind of true. For right now anyway. Do I write? How could I when I'm struggling with my worst writers block ever?

I will try to blog more on a regular basis and get back to telling the past as well as the future.

#TeamGhost

I think I'm switching from #TeamHallucination to #TeamGhost. I'm starting to think the things I see aren't all in my head and that I may have some sort of psychic abilities that I have yet to harness. Or maybe I'm crazy. The problem is the only people who kept me thinking it wasn't real have switched sides on me. Mainly my mother who now questions how I'm able to know things that I shouldn't. Basically my "superpower,". So, how do I know?

I know I haven't been blogging in a while. Things happened and I plan on covering those in due time. My step sister, no, not Mist the other one Anatomy; the one who wants to become a nurse and has lived far, far away for the past five years and now lives with us. She has seen this "ghost girl," that I keep seeing and being attacked by. I don't remember how much of what I talked about so my goal this week is to reservist all my old blogs.

This "ghost," has been haunting me for quite some time. My cousins used to tell me she was Bloody Mary and that I should avoid all mirrors at all costs. Now, I'm forever terrified of mirrors. Anatomy has seen her when her closet door opens by itself and she sees this "ghost," just hanging there. Much like how I've seen "her," on and off for a very long time. Also, Mist seen her a long time ago and we heard her laughing when we first moved in. I also been attacked, but I mentioned that already.

It's a new year. I'm eighteen and graduated and a lot of things are happening right now. People are almost dying frequently and I'm worried one of my loved ones circles the drain. I'm actually considering asking a girl out for a non-sexual relationship that she is perfectly okay with, but I also haven't talked to her in person in months. I'm looking for a new adventure to go on and I have many more stories to tell that happened in the past few months with more to consider about the world we live in. Are you ready?

Down Into Looney Town

Now that Jason is gone things have been a little better. I'm doing much better in school, being more social, and are overall happier. Despite this I'm having more and more side effects from all my medication that it's making life somewhat tough. Apparently, I'm doing some weird things with my tongue and I'm blowing up into the air which I just noticed this past week. I'm rocking back and forth, I've become somewhat used to it, but it still bothers me when I think about it. And, I have the NEED to pace more often then ever. Even though Jason is gone I'm still hallucination and having panic attacks so I'm unsure if this medication is really worth it? But, I can't go off them and risk Jason coming back.

I haven't blogged in a while, but I'm thinking of starting up a new series of theories that explain some of the consistencies that happened in my life, Like, the tale of the traveling jacket. I have a few that somewhat make sense and that somewhat scares me so I need to share them as I can't keep them in my head any longer. So expect a new set of blogs this summer.

Letting Out the Crazy

My medication is supposed to help me with my hallucinations, and while it has it's done it's fair share I can't help, but feel trapped. Side effects or just a worsening situation? I'm noticing things happening to me that I can't control. Flashes of terrible events happening to me or others that I can't get out of my head. Images that blast through my brain filling me with both awkward reactions and terror. It's made it hard to focus much at all.

Since being on my medication I've also started rocking back and forth. It gets more violent if I'm worried about something like a test or if I'm really excited about something. I also started to pace more in school. Sometimes getting up during class just to pace. So far I haven't been called out by many teachers, but students have become worried and sometimes make fun. On that matter I'm talking to myself a whole lot more to a degree where I likely look crazy. It's like my medication has broken that wall I had and released all my insanity.

That's not all my medication might have done. I have found that any sexual feelings I ever possibly had are slowly disappearing little by little. Before I already felt I was asexual, but now it's even worse. At one point I thought I might have had a crush on a friend of mine, but now I don't have much feelings toward them at all. It's like I'm losing my humanity by getting rid of Jason. Is it worth it?

As for any psychic ability I once felt I had, it's also vanished from sight. I haven't had any dreams or feelings since I been on this medication. Jason always said he was my sixth sense and my hormones and now both of them seem to be slowly fading away. I'm really, really worried of what else will worsen. I thought that this may be the end, but I'm worried how much of me will remain once this story closes out.