Everything is rounding itself together for a final send off, as graduation grows near. My greatest dreams - and my worst fears - are all directly in front of me. The question to ask is which are the roadblocks? If I follow my writing dream, my dream to to open up a glass storm becomes impossible. I can't have both cakes.
Right now after I ended my friendship with Gem she tells me the brain-scan has finally come back, something we've been waiting on for weeks, and she has a sort of brain tumor. I now have this new roadblock as I decided if I have to believe her or not? The thing with my breakup with Gem is she didn't seem too bothered by it, and she apologized for having to message me about this emergency. What am I expected to do? If I ignore this, aren't I the bad guy? But, if it's another trap then I'm playing to be a fool.
Meanwhile I found the perfect girl for me in almost every way, except she lives closer to Virus then me. Together our relationship wouldn't worry about human contact or romantic gestures so much. Imagine Sheldon and Amy from the Big Bang Theory. She's more of a jerk freak, I'm more or less as well, but most of my quirks come from my autistic features I've seen pictures of her, and for the first time I found somebody pretty. Actually pretty. We agreed if I'm ever in the area we should meet up, which I will be come next summer.
Roadblocks keep us from our goals, from our destiny. But, friends are the ropes that allows us to climb them. If it wasn't for Virus I wouldn't have a chance meaning this girl who we'll call Fate. Or the fact an online friend lives closer to me then I thought, in fact they live in a town I spent eight days in a mental ward in because I was being told by Jason to kill myself. Something that he later told me was to better me, and in the end it did. It brought my mom and grandmother who went on not talking for a year to being friends again. If I think about it a little more Jason is like a rope of his own, except he's the broken one you can't trust.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
That One About Boy Bands
Okay so- like what? This blog post is a little different from our normal posts here, as it's been getting a little dark I thought it was about time we spice things up. I'll start with the fact that I should be able to listen to Big Time Rush despite that they're a "kids band," or that it's "gay," to listen to them. Since when do I start carrying what people think? If I want to listen to pirate music or the Pokemon theme song a couple hundred times then I can.
Since when did we get on this basis that only certain types of people are allowed to listen to certain types of music? Am I not allowed to listen to both alternative rock and pop? A few years ago my step dad told me that I was listening to "girly," music. Like... what? What even is girly music? Back then I wanted to be more manly, but now all I want is to be able to listen to music. I'm talking about those songs you love, but are supposed to hate here folks.
My friend Zeus taught me something when he was listening to music I was told wasn't gender equal. There he is listening to this song in front of his girlfriend and they both are really enjoying it. I realized that music is music, my step dad was wrong, and I can listen to some Ross Lynch without being stereotypical, "gay," which is actually still a possibility, but I'm leaning towards asexual.
I like Big Time Rush and I'm proud of it. They have some really neat music and their show is extremely funny. For the first time I'll actually tell you what to do, because this one is important. If not the most important. So go listen to whatever you want, watch whatever you want, be you. Don't let stereotypes stop you.
Music is music.
Since when did we get on this basis that only certain types of people are allowed to listen to certain types of music? Am I not allowed to listen to both alternative rock and pop? A few years ago my step dad told me that I was listening to "girly," music. Like... what? What even is girly music? Back then I wanted to be more manly, but now all I want is to be able to listen to music. I'm talking about those songs you love, but are supposed to hate here folks.
Music is music.
Music is music.
I like Big Time Rush and I'm proud of it. They have some really neat music and their show is extremely funny. For the first time I'll actually tell you what to do, because this one is important. If not the most important. So go listen to whatever you want, watch whatever you want, be you. Don't let stereotypes stop you.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
All Goes To Hell
It's all going to hell guys, all of it. My best friend is being sucked down a dark road, my mother is falling deep into the family tree of insanity, the days of my demon voice's undertaking are underway, our car broke down, and graduation is a year away. It couldn't get much worse then this, other then the fact my intuition seems to be increasing in power allowing me to either be living in some illusion or getting more powerful. What does it all mean? It means that when I take my chair as Senior tomorrow, the end begins and with it everything goes to hell.
Now as I enter my final year of high-school I feel the corruption finally sinking into me. I'm slowly getting ready to sign that contract and make a deal with the devil. If I could have anything, but at the cost of my good will. My very soul. Is it worth it? What would I ask for in that one-no-take-backs-request? If everything is going to hell anyway, then why not take that deal? I could easily sign that contact on the dotted line, shake the devils hand, and get anything I wanted.
Since I don't believe much for religion I shouldn't believe in Satan, but I do. Not in the sense that everyone imagines the king of the underworld. But, as a feeling. You can feel like hell, you can feel evil. So it only makes sense that you would feel a combination of the two. At this moment I feel both like a terrible person, but for some reason I'm enjoying it, oh, so wonderfully. It makes me wonder what it says about me if I won't go to Gem's house or give her a proper chance, but I'll go thousands of miles for Virus.
At this point in my life I'm at a crossroad, well a thirteen path road, and until I choose a proper path I'm stuck with a demon stalking me. A crossroads demon. It's trying to get me to make that deal, to preform it's requests in return for my own enjoyment. For the people I love's safety or it'll hurt them all. It's happened when I refused to do Jason's wishes. People get hurt, people get hurt badly. It makes me wonder if he has amazingly perfect timing or if he's the one causing the accidents.
Am I simply Jason's puppet, his play toy? It's a terrifying thought to wonder if my own actions, my own personality, is mine at all. All I want to do is write my story and play Pokemon, but now I have to watch my back of his evil plan. The hallucinations are getting worse, things are starting to warm up with tension, and we're all playing deep into his trap. It doesn't matter wither he's real or not. It matters what I decide. Either way I'm stuck dealing with the strings attached to my back. I just don't know who's pulling them. Who has control of all my actions. To decide if it's me or someone else is when everything crumbles. When everything goes to hell.
Since I don't believe much for religion I shouldn't believe in Satan, but I do. Not in the sense that everyone imagines the king of the underworld. But, as a feeling. You can feel like hell, you can feel evil. So it only makes sense that you would feel a combination of the two. At this moment I feel both like a terrible person, but for some reason I'm enjoying it, oh, so wonderfully. It makes me wonder what it says about me if I won't go to Gem's house or give her a proper chance, but I'll go thousands of miles for Virus.
At this point in my life I'm at a crossroad, well a thirteen path road, and until I choose a proper path I'm stuck with a demon stalking me. A crossroads demon. It's trying to get me to make that deal, to preform it's requests in return for my own enjoyment. For the people I love's safety or it'll hurt them all. It's happened when I refused to do Jason's wishes. People get hurt, people get hurt badly. It makes me wonder if he has amazingly perfect timing or if he's the one causing the accidents.
Am I simply Jason's puppet, his play toy? It's a terrifying thought to wonder if my own actions, my own personality, is mine at all. All I want to do is write my story and play Pokemon, but now I have to watch my back of his evil plan. The hallucinations are getting worse, things are starting to warm up with tension, and we're all playing deep into his trap. It doesn't matter wither he's real or not. It matters what I decide. Either way I'm stuck dealing with the strings attached to my back. I just don't know who's pulling them. Who has control of all my actions. To decide if it's me or someone else is when everything crumbles. When everything goes to hell.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Reset
Haven't we done this before? No seriously, I'm sure these plots are trapped in a forever loop doomed to be redone. Every big event in my life has happened twice, but with different outcomes. Like, some sick version of Déjà vu except it isn't just the feeling this has happened before. It really has happened before. They say that history repeats itself, that's why we study it, and maybe the education for once was right.
I have ended up at the same school twice where I will graduate. With five schools in between that seems like an unlikely odd I'd end up where the story started. With a mixture of new and old friends or enemies at my side I can't help, but wonder if the same events are happening again. It was then that I came to the conclusion that Gem has put me through this before.
Another example is my mother being taken away from me twice, for the same crime. After she stole money from the place she was working at she was put away for five months, but a few years later she was sentenced for nine more, but spent five months in an actual prison. Is is just me or are coincidences really annoying?
But, what if things aren't just doing over, but resetting completely? Jason, the voice in my head, has always said that things would end where they started. As of a few weeks ago my cousins have revamped their first house somehow moving back to it, because the bank messed up and never took it out of their name. Now they own it. It's odd, how things work out, isn't it?
Everything is slowly falling back into place that is a mirror of the day I started telling my story. No, not starting this blog. But, when Jason appeared. When I first started to hear him he did say everything would end where it would begin. Except things aren't ever going to be the same especially after this past year. As Jason has put it, me meeting Virus and my baby brother have drastically changed the story.
The way he puts it we've done this fourteen times over, but we always mess it up and never separate from each other. Except in this timeline I wasn't meant to meet Virus, apparently she changes everything and if you think about it she did. If it wasn't for her writing would have just been a phase, but now it's a career choice. Or if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be on my way to see her or actually consider New York.
The thing with this is from the start Jason said the girl with black hair would be mine, and her, undoing. The girl with black hair doesn't have to be Virus though.. it could be Gem, my cousin, or my mother for all I know. All three of them are driving me nuts and play a huge part in my story that pushes me more towards the darkness. It's because of my cousin that I got myself very sickly drunk, my mother going to prison showing me the corruption in the world, and my own family, as well as likily passing the family mental illness onward, and Gem for making me seem like the bad guy. I guess I just could really use that reset, so I hold onto it.
Another example is my mother being taken away from me twice, for the same crime. After she stole money from the place she was working at she was put away for five months, but a few years later she was sentenced for nine more, but spent five months in an actual prison. Is is just me or are coincidences really annoying?
But, what if things aren't just doing over, but resetting completely? Jason, the voice in my head, has always said that things would end where they started. As of a few weeks ago my cousins have revamped their first house somehow moving back to it, because the bank messed up and never took it out of their name. Now they own it. It's odd, how things work out, isn't it?
Everything is slowly falling back into place that is a mirror of the day I started telling my story. No, not starting this blog. But, when Jason appeared. When I first started to hear him he did say everything would end where it would begin. Except things aren't ever going to be the same especially after this past year. As Jason has put it, me meeting Virus and my baby brother have drastically changed the story.
The way he puts it we've done this fourteen times over, but we always mess it up and never separate from each other. Except in this timeline I wasn't meant to meet Virus, apparently she changes everything and if you think about it she did. If it wasn't for her writing would have just been a phase, but now it's a career choice. Or if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be on my way to see her or actually consider New York.
The thing with this is from the start Jason said the girl with black hair would be mine, and her, undoing. The girl with black hair doesn't have to be Virus though.. it could be Gem, my cousin, or my mother for all I know. All three of them are driving me nuts and play a huge part in my story that pushes me more towards the darkness. It's because of my cousin that I got myself very sickly drunk, my mother going to prison showing me the corruption in the world, and my own family, as well as likily passing the family mental illness onward, and Gem for making me seem like the bad guy. I guess I just could really use that reset, so I hold onto it.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
The L.A. Trap
Sometimes a tree you thought was dead may actually come back to life. It's a weird sensation, sometimes it can be an uprooted dream or it can be a worse nightmare. Or both. In this case I somehow accidentally got Gem to think I'm heading off to live in L.A. with her after graduation and still have failed to end our friendship despite my many attempts. She's a good person, but we don't work and I can't do this anymore.
But, what if I can't say no? It's like our trip to the zoo, obviously I didn't want to go, but I didn't tell her to last minute. Will I really wait all the way up to graduation to tell her I'm not going to L.A. or will she somehow suck me into going? According to all her friends and cousins she is madly in love with me. For some reason this girl has got her hands eloped around me in a vicious motion without realizing she even has a grip. When I'm around her I just bubble down to a shell of my former self, perhaps out of fear knowing I need to kill this friendship in the back?
How do you even end a friendship? Whenever the moment of truth comes out she'll throw something like, "We're great friends!" or tell me about some family member that's hurt. Sometimes I feel like she's manipulating me. But, she wouldn't do that... right? I used to have hope that everyone was a good person, that no bad existed in our world, but slowly that has rotted away. I used to trust that Gem wouldn't betray me like that, but that's gone.
Is it possible she isn't aware she's doing it? When someone attaches to you they can get way too involved. Like, how a stalker will stalk their victims without realizing it's wrong or how you may starting petting an animal without even thinking about it. Or is it that what I feel is manipulation is really just a form a friendship? So far from what I've seen it's becoming more of an obsession for her, something I'm afraid of interrupting.
The new proublem that has made me rewrite this blog is that she's actually threatening me, and even hurting me if I'm not doing exactly what she wants. It reminds me of the first time we danced this dance. Everyone keeps telling me she's madly in love with me. I'm worried she's becoming so obsessed that she'll hurt someone if I end this friendship. Still, I don't deserve to suffer.
The second thing is she's buying my love, or trying to anyway, but making and buying me things I have mentioned. Just because I say a want a dragon doesn't mean you have to make me one. It's sweet and a nice gesture, but I wouldn't do the same. I don't feel I know her very well while she seems to know everything about me. Even if its wrong.
All I can say is this friendship has taken it's turn, it's taken enough hits that I feel terrible just being around her. I feel bad that I feel bad about feeling bad, and that makes me feel bad. I'm the good guy, but now I have to turn around and do a bad thing. It's the first of many, I know it. Darkness is inevitable. Part of growing into an adult is learning that darkness was there from the start to finish. But, I don't want to realize that this world isn't what I originally saw in it's glory. In this real world nobody cares about me, I'm a nobody and will always be one. But, is that so bad?
But, what if I can't say no? It's like our trip to the zoo, obviously I didn't want to go, but I didn't tell her to last minute. Will I really wait all the way up to graduation to tell her I'm not going to L.A. or will she somehow suck me into going? According to all her friends and cousins she is madly in love with me. For some reason this girl has got her hands eloped around me in a vicious motion without realizing she even has a grip. When I'm around her I just bubble down to a shell of my former self, perhaps out of fear knowing I need to kill this friendship in the back?
How do you even end a friendship? Whenever the moment of truth comes out she'll throw something like, "We're great friends!" or tell me about some family member that's hurt. Sometimes I feel like she's manipulating me. But, she wouldn't do that... right? I used to have hope that everyone was a good person, that no bad existed in our world, but slowly that has rotted away. I used to trust that Gem wouldn't betray me like that, but that's gone.
Is it possible she isn't aware she's doing it? When someone attaches to you they can get way too involved. Like, how a stalker will stalk their victims without realizing it's wrong or how you may starting petting an animal without even thinking about it. Or is it that what I feel is manipulation is really just a form a friendship? So far from what I've seen it's becoming more of an obsession for her, something I'm afraid of interrupting.
The new proublem that has made me rewrite this blog is that she's actually threatening me, and even hurting me if I'm not doing exactly what she wants. It reminds me of the first time we danced this dance. Everyone keeps telling me she's madly in love with me. I'm worried she's becoming so obsessed that she'll hurt someone if I end this friendship. Still, I don't deserve to suffer.
The second thing is she's buying my love, or trying to anyway, but making and buying me things I have mentioned. Just because I say a want a dragon doesn't mean you have to make me one. It's sweet and a nice gesture, but I wouldn't do the same. I don't feel I know her very well while she seems to know everything about me. Even if its wrong.
All I can say is this friendship has taken it's turn, it's taken enough hits that I feel terrible just being around her. I feel bad that I feel bad about feeling bad, and that makes me feel bad. I'm the good guy, but now I have to turn around and do a bad thing. It's the first of many, I know it. Darkness is inevitable. Part of growing into an adult is learning that darkness was there from the start to finish. But, I don't want to realize that this world isn't what I originally saw in it's glory. In this real world nobody cares about me, I'm a nobody and will always be one. But, is that so bad?
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