Leader of the Pack

Sense I have started working back stage on the school musical things have been pretty weird. Between repeat musical numbers, learning the confusing script, and moving very heavy objects in a few seconds isn't as easy as I predicted. But, it's still bundles of fun. Next week we have a practice show which could just be the death of me, but somehow I'll handle it. So far I have met a lot of creative unique people but one person stands out, the leader of the stage crew Reed.

(fake name for privacy reasons) 

So far I haven't met anybody like Reed, somebody who breaks the stereotypical norm. I can honestly say he acts himself. If it wasn't for his inevitable exit to the story come the end of this school year I would consider him a friend. In a few months Reed will venture off into the sunset for four to eight years testing his skills in the army. Figures that I would make a new friend and have them leave shortly after. But, as stated in my last blog, all things must come to an end. 

Why bring Reed up in this blog though? It's because he impacts my story greatly, he is a motivation to keep me in Drama class. It's because of him that I'm considering taking over as stage crew come next year, which puts me at a point where I can see a future for myself in between now and those endings. It gives me a purpose. So I want to do my best to make it up to Reed for allowing me to see a silver lining in the darkness. 

I don't want to disappoint him, anymore then I wouldn't want to upset Zeus. If I messed up or dropped out Zeus wouldn't really care because of the path he's on. I'm afraid there is something going on in his life he's not telling me about, now throwing himself at some girl and dropping everything that once mattered to him. It's not about the girl, something else is going on. There isn't much I can do except watch and hold open arms for when he crashes and burns. 

For now I will follow everything Reed tells me to do, he's the leader of the pack after all. Come next year I'll step as the Pied Piper and lead the children (or actors) into the direction they need to be. You could say I can't become that part of me until I step up to the plate. I just have to hope I don't strike out before then or my chances will be very low. If any of those endings come before then I may not be able to direct them. It would just be nice to be the leader of the pack myself, the prince under the confusing queen. 

The Inevitable Breakup

Some things are on a crash course from the very start of a relationship, some things will never work. In my case Gem and I couldn't ever handle a relationship when we both struggle with physical and mental disabilities. At this current state it appears as if neither of us will be able to hold onto a job or to take care of ourselves in the normal way. It's nearly impossible to decide what to do but in the end I came to the realizing that I don't want to be with Gem. I want to be with somebody else, though it'll never happen, and I was trying to find those parts I like of that person in Gem. But, it isn't there.

Last week and online friend of mine and I got into a pretty huge fight that ending in us parting ways. It led me to that fact that all relationships let it be online, friends, family, sexual, or love come to an end. In the end everyone has to break up, it's inevitable. It's somewhat scary to let go of someone you've held onto for all these years but usually it's for the better. As much as it hurts it's required for the story to move forward. Except sometime you also need to break up with yourself.

When you come to the realization that the current you has grown old and tiresome. In the end it's not even you anymore. So you re-event yourself into who you want to be and for a while it works. That's exactly what I did recently which is working wonders. I'm making new friends, connecting more with Virus and Zeus, but letting go of those that represent the past me. The connection Gem and I once had doesn't exist anymore.

For all my endings I listed in "Cut and Finish," they could still happen except "The Girl," isn't Gem at all. That doesn't mean that Gem doesn't push me into the direction of one of those other possible endings. Sometimes I forget that others around me impact my life in ways I can't even imagine. If I wasn't eating lunch with Gem the past few weeks I would have been with my friend and impacted his life in a different way. Maybe, Zeus wouldn't be heading down a dark path that I can't stop. I'm worried about him, but there isn't much I can do for I support him through anything. Well, until Zeus and I "breakup" as well.

Everything must come to an end let it be Zeus, Gem, Jason, and/or the past version of me. Something else must come to an end as well - this story in whole. At some point in the near future it will come to a conclusion if I like it or not. One of those endings will be picked and fate will be sealed. In the end of things, everything is on a crash course. It's just a matter of when it lands.

The Relationship Baffle

Like love is what...?

So as I mentioned in my past blog there is a girl except I'm unsure for my feelings of her. The concept of of a relationship simply baffles me especially at such a tender age where our bodies aren't even finished developing. Still, teenagers all over the world insist on testing their limits far before they are ready. Even sharing chemical hormones with each other through methods such as kissing, hugging, and other germ filled practices. Perhaps, it's just me though. Personally I not much of a human-contact kind of guy so..

My best friend Zeus is in a new relationship in which he is automatically happier, at a skyscraper scale. What made him that much in a better mood? Sure, he has somebody to fight for - a goal thirteen year old me thrived for - but is that enough to kick depression in the butt? I suppose being a HFA does have some input into how I feel about relationships. But, even then those with mental disorder find a significant other all the time.

Still, I don't really understand the concept of love. Is it something that everyone feels eventually? Is it the same I have with my parents or with my dogs? Is it all surrounded by sexual tensions? Can love be replaced or copied? Is love even real at all? I have so many questions about love that I don't believe I'll ever truly understand them so I decided to take my questions to my friends and a website I trust very much to determine what 'love' really is? In response I found that I myself am not the right person to tell all of you what love is because in my world I am still unsure.

On a personal basis I'm thinking of asking that girl, who for the sake of this blog will call Gem for multiple reasons, to become my girlfriend. It's a big decision and the reason I'm unraveling with all these relationship questions. The issue at hand is my mental stability along with my lack of desire to be with anybody at an intimacy level. Heck, I'm not even sure I could ever kiss this girl without being disgusted. It's just that human contact sickens me deeply, but Gem understands that and seems willing to wait for me.

A few years ago I wouldn't have believed that but despite the fact we stopped talking for years she still wants to be with me. Knowing this her parents also wish for us to be a couple. And, sure she has problems of her own but I likily have even more. The only problem with Gem is she may have something deeply wrong with her with more physical health problems to arise. Even if we did fall in love it wouldn't be forever.

Love is a very confusing thing to be honest, something I may never understand unless I take that risk and ask Gem out. I already know she'll say yes as she's been dropped hints for weeks, like obvious hints. It's almost cute. It stops there though - between the two of us we'd both be in and out of hospitals. We wouldn't ever get a happily ever after in any way you look at it, but then again after all my possible endings with the path I'm on now are any of them? I've heard that even the slightest chance of love is worth throwing everything away. Does that include my morals, my dreams, and overall my innocence?

I'm handing the love topic over to my pal, please read his post on love!

Cut and Finish

Well guys that's a wrap, it's the end of my story. I mean it could have only ended one of a few ways anyway so is this way really wrong? Taking in all the possible endings finding only a few of which actually ended up a "happily ever after," but those ignore the basic facts that wouldn't make any of them work. It's true that every story ends in death one way or another but taking the short end and forcing the story to dry out before it even hits a climax is cheating the story completely. But, is that so bad?

About a month ago I got thinking about how suicide isn't the answer and how all it does is add the suffering to someone else. By taking away your own pain you're adding it to others. Bringing this up to my cousin she replied in a very questionable way, "Isn't it selfish for those other people to force someone to suffer for their own happiness?" and thus the long stressful next couple weeks were trying to figure out if suicide is really wrong. So where else to turn but to my friends Zeus and Virus? 

Zeus explained to me how he dealt with the feelings of suicide at such a tender age making deals with others who felt the same way. That if one goes, they both go, and neither would want to risk the other. Meanwhile Virus was upset about the topic bringing back friends of hers who have attempted to take their lives. Both were very heartfelt conversations but neither really explained if suicide was truly a bad thing? Sure, it's the end of a life but it's also the ending of suffering. The real question is if it's worth the pain to get to that possibly happily ever after. When it boils down to me I have to look at some of the possible endings I could have;

The Mental Ward 

This one isn't very likely that I'll be admitted forever, but that doesn't mean it isn't my fate. At this pace I'm getting much worse at a progressive rate, even considering committing myself right now. If I was a permanent resident I wouldn't have much of a life or would be a medication filled zombie that is a hollow shell of my former self. Where I would be as good as dead. 

The Disability Check 

Currently my mom is working on getting me signed in with disability where I may reside for the rest of my life depending on my mental state, even then I could struggle to keep a job as a high function autistic struggling with the most simple of tasks. I wouldn't have much money to spend on things I want, let alone need, or be able to visit my friends. Eventually the only people I'd see if some family members every so often until they stop visiting and the nurse that I may have depending on the severeness of my disability. 

The Virus Effect 

Let's say for a second that I could get into the college I want and stay out of mental hospitals for a second. I could live around Virus and we could be real life friends which she completely agrees would be awesome. In the perfect ending Zeus would join me and we would keep being best friends. Our friends even ship Virus and I from time to time, meaning wanting us to be in a relationship, which in the perfect ending could happen. But, unrealistic. 

The Author Achievement

Through everything I have done in my life, I could write a book either nonfiction or fiction and sell millions. At this current point in my life I'm unsure what I want in life, but a few months ago I was sworn on being an author. I practice writing usually on a daily basis at least until my depression hit and I've found myself stuck pulling down any co-workings with friends to a dead standpoint. It's still a possibility. 

The World Takeover 

The Voice in my head either takes control of me, my baby brother, or somehow breaks free and takes over the world. This has got to be the most crazy of all the endings except totally plausible. I don't have an inch of proof of Jason being non-existent while I have bags full of evidence otherwise. Of course none of that is laid out facts I can show people, most of which would have to be taken from my word and trust. 

The Girl 

So like many stories, even ones that takes place in real life, have some sort of love story. Except mine is a little more complicated. There is a girl - like in every other tale - except I don't really want to be with her. Sure, I can say that I like her to an extent but not enough to want to wrap up the story with. Still... having brought her back in my life as a friend sort of changes things. I wouldn't call it out though I wouldn't 'ship' anything just yet. 

The Changer 

In this possible ending I actually do something that changes the world in some way, possibly even this blog. Perhaps, I'll make some predictions about the future or finally master time travel. Except nobody really believes me about my problems and nobody really cares about my opinions. If anything my change would only take place long after my death. Even then, like my friend Zeus once stated as much as I want to be a changer I will only be a floater, a believer, a nobody. 

The Corrupted Soul 

As most of my readers (if I have any) know I am a pretty innocent person unable to lie, curse, or steal despite the temptations. But, one of the possibly endings on this list is the darkness to overtake me and turn me into the monster I fear most. Something I'd rather never mention on this blog or to another of the living because it opens up a new category of possible endings. 

The Death 

Either through suicide or accidentally getting myself killed this seems the most likely ending. The one that takes away my fears, my dreams, my desires, and all the other possibilities. Because suicide isn't really wrong as long as those other endings aren't really possible. If they aren't really worth it. That's something we have to decide on our own with more then a first glance. Me? I'm still figuring it out. 

Lock the Doors, Seal the Windows!

It's a zombie apocalypse as the undead stalk everybody's homes through the window and hide under our beds. Or not. Last weekend I had my first paranoia attack, making me fear that I may have Schizophrenia even more. It started out all normal but turned into an intense amount of terror that I couldn't fight back and urge to check every window, door, and even under my bed for a evil doll dead girl who may be trying to kill me.

...Perfect.

So I took my concerns to someone who struggles with Schizophrenia every day getting all of my questions answered. She described to me that hallucinations will feed off your greatest fears like the dead girl I will commonly see or even be attacked by. She suggested that when I feel like I'm disconnecting with reality to think of more rational things like my name, my gender, the color of the walls, etc. Things that I know, so far it has worked out well for me. For the sake of this blog I'll call her Cure. 

I then asked her about the possibility of putting myself away in a mental ward, as my condition is progressively getting worse but she advised against it. From experience I know that these places are both very addicting and a never ending hole. It's something you'll miss forever, being around people who can relate to you all while being away from responsibilities is a nice feeling. Even if you do wish to leave you'll have to go to the moon and back in order to be free. 

From there we went on to talk about how difficult it can be for us to handle jobs. I'm afraid I'll never be able to work due to my many, many issues. I've already been disguised as a High Functioning Autistic finding the most simple of tasks to be like moving a mountain. For example I cannot for the life of me tie my shoes, or ride a bike, or floss without a special tool. This is explained because of a lack of motor skills that can make life very difficult. But, there are methods such as physical therapy that will help me with these tasks. 

The next thing Cure mentioned is having a voice inside of her head, for me mine is named Jason. She basically debunked one of the reasons I thought I didn't have Schizophrenia where she told me about a voice that isn't outside but also much like thoughts. If you research the mental illness or ask a doctor most of the time you'll find that they always hear a voice out-loud which isn't the case. Some have them on the outside of the head others inside, and many not at all. 

The last few things we talked about each deserve their own blog entry, because I don't want this to trail on forever. Back onto topic I feel as if my situation is getting worse and I'm considering checking out of life and into a mental ward but like I described they're traps that take forever to escape. I'm not done blogging quite yet, so don't expect me to vanish anytime soon. But, if I shall remember me as I was and not as I am.  

Who Let the Dogs Out?

...and forgot to bring them back in? The answer is me as my memory skills start to decrease little by little every few days. I can't put my finger on why this continues to happen as some other events in my life but I do believe it could be from OCD or Schizophrenia both of which I haven't been diagnosed with. But, it's also something in a "High Functioning Autistic," which my past therapist claims I am.

I'm putting myself and others in danger every time I attempt to cook or use a knife. I'm surprised I haven't burnt the house down or cut myself yet when I've come all too close. Every time I put the dogs out I risk leaving them to freeze to death, sometimes not remembering for hours at a time. They have come back shivering, thirsty, and overall abused. So I stopped putting them out at all but now my mother is trying to get on me for it.

She has a good point that I haven't been doing much to any of my responsibilities lately sometimes almost forgetting to do an important task such as eating or taking a shower. I always remember but usually at last minute. In my defense I cannot control my memory problems that can lead to a full on spout of confusion. It's something that is slowly getting worse eating away at every thing I trusted before especially the past.

I'm starting to wonder if my memories ever happened at all, some of them anyway. I have memories of me hurting people that nobody else seems to remember. Apparently, a normal symptom of someone with OCD  is sometimes finding false memories implanted into your brain or questioning the true ones. It started out when my mom told me I always wore shoes in the house, always, but I have memories of me not. This drew me into suspicion where I became so obsessed that I dug for a picture to prove myself right.

In that case I was correct but not always. A few months back I have this memory of me putting a brand new pack of pencils on the table. I knew we had to have gone to the store but I couldn't remember for the life of me, still don't. Then, they went missing and I couldn't remember where I had put them. About, two months later I finally found them but I still don't remember how they got there. I tried to picture it and thought about what "could," of happened but nothing was certain.

So how can you trust your memories? Well, what from I found if somebody else has that same memory then it was was bound to happen! Right? Unless they're lying to you and trying to trick you to believe in an illusion that doesn't exist. That's where paranoia comes in and I'll cover that soon. Still, it's doubtful that anybody would even want to trick you like that. Normally if somebody has the same memory of you (doesn't have to be exact) it happened. Except that doesn't always work.

From time to time my cousins and I will fight back and forth over an event that happened where we all remember being there, except only four of us were there. Sometimes you hear a story so much you forget that you weren't actually there. Even if you remember the taste or smell of something, that could simply be the way it was described to you. Freaky huh? So how do you know that your memories are real?

The simple answer is you don't. Everybody experiences things differently and memories become distorted from over time. The memory of your childhood will slightly become lesser and lesser relevant to the original. Most of the time anyway. But, that doesn't mean you don't know what happened. To an extent you can usually tell that the memory happened or may have evidence that you were there.

It's not quite the same for me, as memories that didn't happen at all are in my head possibility replacing the ones I need. For example a memory of a conversation replacing the trip to the store for those pencils which I did go to and just don't remember. Unless my memory of being told that was a lie... or it's replacing another important memory that I need to remember...

THE DOGS?!

Whoa Man, Did I Just Break Reality?

Sometimes at random the world will began to shake, things will blend together, and I will get the feeling of being pulled out of my body. It's when everything turns to a dead silence,  or when a certain song seems to play for hours... and sometimes hours even pass. Or, when you open your locker to find it empty, only to reopen it with things inside. Either I'm jumping back and forth between alternative universes, through time, or... I have broken reality.

It happens for everyone in a sense such as deja vu which is the feeling that something has happened before. It's any moment of confusion where you think something has happened, but it hasn't. This is what I like to think of "testing reality," which isn't exactly the same as what I'm experiencing but a much lower branch of it. This can count from "sleeping paralysis," to even the feeling of being drunk all under the same category.

What can you do when this happens? Well, you can't do anything. If it's like it is for me you may want to talk to a therapist or a doctor. I plan on describing my situations with my new therapist when the day comes up for me to see then, I always hate when you get a new therapist because you have to describe everything over again and start trust from the start. It's fresh and difficult. But, sometimes can be worth it.

For me it's much worse though as it feels as if the entire world is about to shatter. That's a terrifying moment. And, again don't drink or do drugs guys. I even been getting some sleep lately, a little too much if you ask me but I needed it. Still, I feel weak and tired all the time... perhaps, I just need to freshen up my life a bit? Maybe, I'm too bored at home and my mind is making things interesting? It's crazy but it just might be true.

So I signed up for Theatre at my school to give my life a new spice and to give me something to do. Of course this late in the school year I'll only be able to help backstage but I'll also be working with my best friend. Whom by the way I get to see in a dress, still not sure how I feel about that one though... it's a new course in my life but it should make the train moving a bit more. I get the feeling life is going to be at a new uproar from now on.