Warped Fate

I'm broken.

What if he was my glue and now the sticky web I thought I was trapped in was secretly what was holding my mental state together? I'm talking about Jason of course and ever since his defeat I have been having more and more problems. Autistic problems. Like, rocking back and forth as well as uncontrollable anger. It's like I'm holding onto all this rage and it's growing into this egg that's only days from hatching.

My rocking never stops. Ever. It's so annoying because I physically can't stop and it makes it hard to relax or concentrate. If my medication didn't make me so tired for bed I wouldn't ever be able to fall asleep. And, my anger is just getting out of control. I'm an inch from snapping at someone and it's progressively getting worse. I'm afraid of what I might do to someone if they press my buttons. I even got mad at my mom just for helping with homework. I can't stay calm.

Zeus pointed this out to me, but it's like Jason was the mask of all my problems. It's like once he died all these problems were unleashed. I could stop taking the medication to possibly get ride of the possible side effects, but at what cost? Anger might not be as bad as Jason was whom was leading me to insanity. Either way it's like I'm sitting on a bomb waiting for it to go off. It's only a matter of time before I snap. Is someone telling me to hurt people any different from lashing out? I can't decide if the cost is better then the item.

It's like once I killed Jason all these little autistic quirks they didn't think I had started coming out. I'm worried all the medication did was push these problems out that would have eventually come out anyway and now there isn't any way to push them back. All I know is if I can finish this school year life will be a whole lot easier. I decided that either the anger, rocking, or hallucinations make me unworkable. Perhaps, I'm taking the easy path, but it's the only one that I can see myself being happy. I'm afraid with my problems I'll eventually get somebody killed.

I'm broken inside. No matter the outcome I think I know where this all started. The doctors have ordered a brain scan after I told them I get massive headaches daily. Migraines even, like yesterday, and it was almost unbearable. I think now that when I hit my head when I was younger that something broke inside me. I should have got checked by a doctor, but I didn't want to and fought it. So I never got seen about it and around that time is when I started to see "ghosts," aka hallucinations. That moment in time that changed the entire direction of my story. It pains me that if I could simply change that moment it could potentially fix all my problems. All I know is that when they scan my brain I'll finally know if I'm broken inside psychically or mentally. I might be able to find out if that single moment warped my fate.

The End of the Story

I didn't fail my first nine weeks of school like I thought I did. Technically that's only because one of my teachers gave me an incomplete. If if wasn't for that I would have a big red F on my report card, but I don't and that's all that matters. Now without Jason I'm seeing life much clearer now and I'm doing much better. So that's it then? Is this the end of my story?

I made this blog to be my journey to discover if I was a mystic or if I was living in a world of fiction. At this point in my life I can't really explain any of the things that have happened in my past. How Jason warned me of things to come, like my step dad with the tree incident. It doesn't make any sense and with that my entire reality is falling apart. Instead of dwelling on the past though I need to take someone's advice and simply let it go.

I made it so I could discover things like my religion or my sexuality. I figured out it for the most part and with Reed back in town I have the chance to fully figure out who I am. It was him that helped me combine my internet and real life persno to create a brand new way of being myself. Even now that the pieces of the past me start to die I know a new me will blossom from it's ashes. The old me is slowly dying, but future me is a couple of months away. I have never been so close to becoming the person I want to be until now.

This chapter of my life ends in less then eight months and I don't really know what's next. All I know is in order to move forward I need to let go of the past once and for all. If that means losing any psychic power I once had to save my sanity I say it's a fair trade. Still I can't help, but wonder if there will be some kind of plot twist that will change the dynamic of this story. Never have I ever been so close to a happy ending, for me anyway, and I just know something will come to screw it up.

What could it be? Perhaps, I should also let go the fear that something bad will come and just enjoy my happyness. This could be the end of the story or... this could just be the beginning.

Jason Is Dead

After fighting with Jason for many years I have finally killed him. I was given proper medication after being hospitalized and the meds gave me a sword to fight the dragon with. Shoving the sharp blade into the demons chest pushing it back into it's cage where it'll remain for the rest of time. Part of me misses always having someone to talk to. But, in the end he was a bully that wouldn't settle for anything less then imprisonment inside my head or death.

Jason is dead.

With the end of school only about thirty one weeks away I'm close to ending this chapter of my life. Now that Jason isn't tying me down I might be able to live a normal life. As my medication is supposed to help with my fear of touching and other such issues. It's like a cure has been handed to me and I finally have an answer to my questions. If Jason is able to be defeated he couldn't have ever been real in the first place. Something still doesn't make sense though... How was I able to predict my aunt's car crash or my step father's tree accident? Something isn't adding up.

I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. I'm not hallucinating anymore, but I feel as if I'm falling into a trap. Everything is wrapping itself up into a tiny little knot. It's almost too perfect. Jason once said he could control my mental state creating creeping things for me to see. While I completely feel he is gone I can't stop wondering if this was all according to plan. If Jason was just part of the pawns in a gigantic chess board and somehow I needed to meet him so I could later do something great.

Last week when I was in the hospital I had this bad feeling something had happened to my mother. Couldn't shake it. Turns out she was throwing up that very night and pretty sick. So it seems my Intuition wasn't Jason after all and if I do have some sort of psychic ability it didn't go away. It's the only thing that makes any sense. But, as my therapist pointed out I need to let the past go and hope for a normal life. I have to fight for it because I want to be happy. But, this bad feeling is getting worse and I fear something new is awaiting me in the future.

My Character Guide

As of September 28th, 2015 these are all the main characters that I've mentioned through my blog. As we enter Act two of my life I'm afraid the cast of characters is about to undergo a major change. So here is a list of all the main characters from Act one. This is too help everyone keep everyone from act one together

 My mom and step dad are the first characters, and the creators of my baby brother. We get close to the end of this chapter leaving them in a pretty twisty spot. With my mom slipping into what she thinks is postpartum depression and my step dad about to land a job that could change all our troubles.

Mist is the next character I thought I'd talk about. With the shocking cliffhanger of our chapter ending, with my gradation, she is currently "finding herself," and moved back in although we aren't sure for how long. Let me just say she loves cats so much so she actually has a cat shirt.

Zeus is my best friend, currently dating an amazing girl that I'd like to hang out with a little more. He's really smart, but uses most of his brain power to make jokes. So far up to this point he's guided me along my journey to find myself and been really helpful. I'm unsure what path he plans on taking, but I'm sure he'll figure it out.

An online pen-pal I met on a Roleplaying website that has become one of my best friends. She's really busy with homework and life in general as she flows with talents and must embark on them. So far she's been helping me figure out my intuition and help me debate reality VS fiction. Her favorite number is eight and I think she's part of the equation 718.

My possible crush and my hope that I'm human, Reed is an amazing person. Currently, he resides in army training and isn't expected to return for a couple of years. I don't know if he'll return somewhere during my second chapter, but if he does it would be a dream come true. Underneath his jokes he helped me get through my time as stage-crew for the school play.

The girl I thought I had to date - before realizing it was set for absolute disaster. Gem is a girl I never actually liked, no more so then a friend, but dated in middle school. I didn't know, still don't really, know how to like someone. Now she's in a community college to wrap up her final two years of high school, I don't see her much so I'm unsure of her chapter two.

Poseidon is my friend I recently met, and is already switching to an online school before moving far, far away. We have a lot in common despite his love for bloody video games and sports. It's possible we'll cross paths at some point in the future, but his departure will be missed. I don't know why I was allowed to meet him for only a short time, but I'm glad I did.

The demon/mental state in my head, Jason. Jason plans to take over the world and has plotted to hurt my friends in the past. He can guess girls bra colors, make tree branches fall, and tell the future. To do so he needs to posses my baby brother or through other methods. Let's hope we can get rid of him and Jason doesn't exist in the second chapter.

Jason on Steroids.

I started taking a new medication, and so far it's broken my mental stability wide open. I had to come home from school early on Friday because of how bad it was. An intense feeling of fear, a drilling sound effects that seemed to bounce up and down, and the voice in my head screaming at me calling me a baby and a loser for leaving earlier or for having trouble with an assignment. It was like Jason was on steroids.

I been told that medication makes it gets worse before it can get better, but after not taking it for two days I realized it might be the meds at all. We talked to the doctor and he said it shouldn't have taken effect that fast. I talked to Zeus and he said he didn't trust doctors or the fact I didn't start to act all wonky until I started taking this new meds. As he stated, "relapse," as we sat at lunch together with popcorn in my hands.

What is Jason's plan? Obviously he wants my baby brother so he can free himself from me. I could also have a child of my own and he could exit from me that way. He could also rip himself away from me, which would instantly kill me and leave him without a vessel. I could also do this sort of ritual thing that will take all my psychic power and allow him to escape. But, it's really complicated and I'm not sure I could go through with it. Not that I ever plan on helping Jason be released into the real world. He's straight out evil and wants to burn it to the ground.

But, why? Where does Jason come from? Why is he inside of me? Why does me being drunk or on medication only make him stronger? Can he really get strength from my weakness? Are my disasters, his steroids?

Cupid's Arrows

I came to the realization that I might have been hit by Cupid's arrows, as I'm slowly falling for Reed despite his departure into the army. I don't know much about love, but I do know this is the only thing making me feel human. Lately my mental stability has been getting worse and I even had to return home from school early.

I think about Reed more then I should for someone who isn't even in my life anymore. I sometimes find myself looking at pictures of him, as I truly do miss him. I could still be asexual, as my feelings are emotional only, but for once I have hope that I'm not. It's not that there is anything wrong with being asexual, but I'm already autistic (high functioning) and I'm starting to feel less, and less human.

People keep asking me how I am. I don't want to tell them I'm close to failing out of school, I sacrificed my chances of a four year college because I dropped Algebra 2, and I'm falling for a friend I'll never see again. I don't really want a relationship just because I might like Reed. I still wish to be alone for the rest of my life. Any dream I have of being with someone is always about a blond, but it varies from gender. Reed is partly blond. So perhaps, it's still meant to be, but the story had him leave until I was ready.

All Fall Down

Poseidon is switching schools, Gem is gone, Mist is planning on moving away, Reed hasn't come back from training so he might have gone straight into the army, my own father is getting remarried and moving away, and Virus seems distant. I don't know what's going on. It's just going to be me and Zeus like it was always meant to be... and that makes him the perfect target.

Jason has threatened people in the past, sometimes they'll get hurt if I don't abide by his rules. For example my mother had pains and my sister got sun burnt on a day I refused to do such a simple task he wanted. Something my mom said after the tree fell on my step dad still chills me to the bone. "What if Jason caused it?". It takes the whole psychic to a whole new level, it makes me perfectly normal, with the devil living inside of me. I said before I'm tempted to make the deal with Satan and if Jason is Satan all along... we'll in the end we'll all fall down.

In the past Jason has threatened to take everyone away from me one by one. If Zeus isn't going anywhere in any other way I worry Jason will straight out attack him. It's been done before. I been attacked myself by some force that plays a powerful part in the endgame of my life. It makes me wonder how him and the girl with black hair are connected. If he's in danger there has to be something I can do to put a stop to Jason once and for all. But, he's more powerful then I thought.

Once he convinced me to drink a bunch of salt water before bed in an attempt to kill him because I believed he was a demon. He got me to go outside to check on my step dad. It's hard to tell my own thoughts from his orders so a lot of the time I just go to bed hoping to wake up normal. Jason is very power - real or fake - and nothing I have tried works.

When you're alone, when you're weak, that's when I'll take over. 

To quote Jason he said this line many times before. Jason says that we have lived this trial over and over through many lifetimes. His plan is to possess me or a baby before they turn one years old. My baby brother is still at risk, and for some reason Jason wants me to sacrifice him so he can possess me. I couldn't ever hurt a tiny hair on my brother, but if he was possessed by Jason I'm not sure which side I'd pick. It's been haunting my nightmares that Jason takes him and his first words are an insult to me to prove that he won.

If Jason wins not only I, but my friends, family, and the world could fall.

Power of the Demon

I have a superpower. I can know something before it happens. I'm either psychic or crazy, or maybe a little bit in-between. I've discussed this in other blogs, but I never went into detail of it. Some have said that Jason is my intuition, some have save I can control him and use him. The power of the demon. 

What if I have a huge choice in front of me? Get rid of Jason somehow and lose this gift I might possibly have, or risk saving my ability for Jason's wrath. About a year ago a friend did a future reading with her cards and it basically said I'll make this really big immature choice. I shook it off as nothing especially because my first card was the death card and people seem to "almost," get themselves killed in my life, but nobody like a parent or a cousin has ever died. But, what if it was true and I'll the wrong choice?

Once I closed my eyes on a walk and was able to picture the exact red truck that I ended up finding my cousins I was looking for. I tried to explain it to my cousins, but they refuse to understand and think of me as a child with an active imagination. That same night I had one of many similar dreams where a bunch of children led by Andrew, kid in the red hoodie, was trying to take over the world and it had something to do with recruiting more children. 

A few years prior I was sitting at the library where at the age thirteen I made three imagery friends out of boredom. Andrew, Mathew, and Sam were three seven year old's (Matt was six and a half) who I needed to help. It must have been the long time I was there with little to do or maybe it was the start of my psychosis, but at the time I believed these invisible children were real. I'm not sure what happened to them, but I remember a time a few months later where I was in a dark car alone and I could feel them surrounding the car. Hundreds of them. 

This isn't the first time I've dealt with the supernatural or a hallucination of sorts. I have quite a few stories that I will save for October. Until then keep questioning my mental and psychic state. Am I getting stronger or am I getting far worse mentally? Do I have ghosts running around or am I secretly using the power of the demon? And, for what does that mean?

That One About Sexuality

I'm seriously confused on sexuality. I think I have a crush on an actor who's brilliant, funny, and amazing. Damian McGinty is his name. Okay, so his character is and I have no idea about his real life personally but..  I think I may be gay and that's the reason Reed and I connected so much while Gem and I didn't.


It all started when I begun to watch the show Glee a few weeks back, and it's becoming the center of my sexuality. With many sexual girl scenes, I didn't find any of it interesting. But, when this little green leprechaun jumped into my life and now I can't stop thinking about him. Maybe I want so badly for my sexuality to be something real that I'm falling for yet another false alarm, but this one feels real.

Everyone wants me to be straight, so is this my way of rebelling? Or perhaps I just really like the actor like an online friend suggested. I remember really liking an actor, Allison Mack, in the past which made me think I was straight. Or perhaps I felt like I had to like her much like I had with Gem. I want so badly for my sexuality to be decided upon, for me to know, but does it really matter?

My friend Poseidon told me he envies me for my capability to be happy without a relationship in my life. While that is true I wish I had something to get excited about or someone to fall for. I can't get Reed out of my head despite him being out of my life forever. Much like Imagine Dragons song "On Top of the World," where I'm at the top of the world, at the edge, but I'm all alone. Deep down I want to be straight or gay so I can at least have hope of loving someone one day. I let Reed go and now I'm unsure if I'll ever have the chance to find out again.

Slippery Slope

I'm in the middle of an iceberg, on the edge of a slippery slope. I'm back on my music rant again, because this time I'm an inch away from downloading the music I can't normally get. Like, some of my Imagine Dragons old songs they no longer sell. I'm "this close," to finally snapping and grabbing up those songs like a kid in a free candy store. But, it's wrong... right? I mean I used to be able to say the difference when it comes to music and my philosophy was "not to take away from the artists," but if they're not selling it then it isn't really taking away from them.

It doesn't really matter if it's wrong or legal at this point. It matters what I decide to do because it's either something small that effects me non-the-less or it's the push that sends me into a spiral of bad deeds that will eventually turn me evil. Okay, so that's a little over-dramatic, but I think my point is across. It might be something bad and if you continue to do bad things you'll turn bad.

At least that's why I've been told, but what if it's more like paint? I can dabble in the darkness adding a smudge to my picture without covering the entire thing in black paint. If I do something bad here and there I can always cover it up with more colorful colors of creativity, freedom, and good deeds. If it works like this then I can forgive myself for my drinking incident or all the lies I've told in my short life time.

So is it wrong to take things that effects nobody? A piece of candy that went bad, but is still good? Something that nobody wants and will turn to waste? Is it really wrong to steal something that can't be taken any other way? I can't figure this out for myself so I turn to any reader I have to ask for guidance on this dark road. Everyone is telling me to turn to downloading or watching movies illegally like I did before I knew better. Is it really wrong to steal something nobody owns? Is this the iceberg that finally sinks my battleship?

Back To My Roots

I haven't listened to Imagine Dragons in a while as I been obsessed with the amazing band Patent Pending and playing them over and over. But, a new song by Imagine Dragons reminded me why I listened to them and it's because they make me feel in my deep soul. Not to say that Patent Pending doesn't have touching songs, but they're more of fun to listen to. 

Why is this important? Because in my discovery to find myself I need to look back to my roots to remember where I came from. Recently in my blogs I been telling about the past, but I need to start somewhere far before that. Somewhere like... the beginning. Not so far back before I came into existence, not so far in the past to my birth, but to the place it all began.

The first thing I remember is me sitting at my kitchen table petting my small orange cat who would eventually run away. I didn't care about germs, or the human contact. I didn't even have socks or shoes on. It shows how much I've changed for the worse. Now I can't walk around the house without shoes or bump into someone without feeling unconformable. I'm afraid that once I go to my dark corner of the world all my problems will get ever so much worse. 

So in order to become the person I want to be I have to accept the person I used to be. But, how do I do that? Can I just press a button and magically allow myself to slowly be sucked backwards without falling too much into my old ways? While there is some things that are great about my childish roots there are some things I'd rather not repeat. 

I Am Superhero

There is something about superheroes that really sparks my interest. It's not the superpowers, even though I absolutely love the abilities, or the characters. It's not about the mysterious evil villains that come with every superhero story. It's the thrive for Justice and doing what they believe is right and watching them cross that line. If Superman can screw up then perhaps, my mistakes aren't so bad. What if I told you I was a superhero? Well... in a sense. I've saved people, I have a superpower, and I refuse to sell my self short. I refuse to sell my morals for the sake of enjoyment. But, I've covered that before, today I'll cover the other topics. 

As I've mentioned before I used to believe as a kid that I was some sort of mystic because I would have dreams that would eventually come true in some sense. I thought my hallucinations were ghosts, and I'm still not completely convinced otherwise. Soon I'll get into exactly what goes bump in the night, but that's a topic for another day. One time I saved my step father from an impending tree branch that could have killed him. Except Jason told me to go outside, and because of this Jason is my superpower. 

It's true that my greatest gift that sometimes allows me to tell the future is also my greatest weakness as I'm unable to control his rage and his plans. I might be losing my mind or slipping into a psychotic break because I believe in this, but I don't feel I have much other choice. This first occurred when I predicted my aunt's car crash, then my mother's, my father's heart attack, and my step dad's accident in which could have been fatal. I think my family has too many traumatic events...?

It all started on a normal summer afternoon, my mother was taking a nap and my sister Mist was watching TV with her boyfriend. I was watching some YouTube videos laughing until my lungs hurt, but then suddenly I paused the video. Jason started to speak to me and told me to go check on my step dad. A tree then fell on my step father and he was trapped underneath. If I wasn't out there nobody would have known. Nobody even knew he was outside in the first place, I thought he was sleeping with my mom. 

Then after the event my mother said something crazy, "What if Jason caused it?" but now she forgets it even happened. My entire family admitted that day I had some sort of psychic powers, maybe at a joking degree, but nobody recalls it. I understand during a terrible event that the memories get blurred, but to forget saying something right after it happens. Actually everyone always seems to forget.. almost like a crazy conspiracy theory, but I'm not that nuts. 

My mom did have a good point though, what if Jason caused it? One time Jason wanted me to do something and I refused. Within a few hours my mom went to the hospital for weird pregnancy pains. After I told her she claimed to have the pains for days, but chose to not mention it. Lies. She wouldn't keep something that serious from everyone especially after she's had problems having children in the past. 

So is Jason really just running the ropes here? Virus thinks he's an infestation of my intuition meaning I have some sort of psychic ability, but only to a normal extent, and that Jason is just the creation of that for my brain to make sense of it. But, there is something off about Jason that keeps me wondering if he's real or not. Doesn't matter though. I've said it in the past and I'll say it again. It doesn't matter if Jason is real or not, it's what I decide. If he's real, he's already real. If not, he's not. Nothing will ever change that. It's all up to me. 

Down the Hatch

It's time. I've told the tale of the traveling jacket. I've explored my sexuality, religion, and secrets for all the internet to read. But, one thing I've completely left out is the time I tried alcohol and went too far. I mentioned it in one of my very first blogs over seven months ago.

Now don't start ranting about how drinking beer underage is against the law. I'm completely aware. It was wrong of me to do, and I regret every moment of it. But, that doesn't mean it didn't happen. No matter how much you want something to just go away, it can't. Everything that has ever happened is forever written in stone where nothing can ever change it.

It started when my cousins were heading to a small party of about ten people and decided to invite me. At first my obvious answer was a huge, "no," as drinking wasn't really my thing. But, I had a little idea that if I drank enough that the voice in my head would go away. It was worth a shot and perhaps I could make a few new friends too? It all went horribly wrong, and I got what I deserved.

When we arrived nobody was around except the two brothers who owned the house. I was handed a bottled beer and told to drink it. I took a few sips, it tasted terrible. Already my nerves were making me sick to my stomach. After a few hours people started to arrive and I downed a few of those and a few fruity drinks. I pulled out my phone and ran to the bathroom to call home and I tried this multiple times throughout the night, but I couldn't get an service.

I was trapped. Jason was only getting louder in my head. I just couldn't take all the pain and all the lemons that's been threw my way the past few years so I let loose and shotgun a beer. Now I started to feel dizzy and down the hatch went more beer. At some point it became a time where I lost count. I started to have some fun and eventually I crashed on the floor... then the puking started. On and off of throwing up for twelve hours.

So while I learned that drinking doesn't in fact help with mental illness, doesn't make you more popular, doesn't earn you any new friends, and isn't worth it I have to remember that I did have some fun and perhaps when I'm twenty one I'll attempt drinking in moderation for the right reasons. If there ever is a next time I'll know to be more careful, do it with the right people, and to do to have some fun and let loose instead of absolutely snapping. I just worry what my next "snapped," moment will be.

That One About Labels

I absolutely hate labels. My friends keep trying to ask what's wrong with me or what sexuality I have decided on. I don't have those answers, all I know is at this moment in time I'm not interested in intercourse nor have I ever been so. For some reason Zeus and his new friend Poseidon can't accept that about me. They keep wanting to put some sort of label on me. Labels have been haunting me far before my friends as doctors questions which disorders to label me as. Some I completely agree with while others don't make a heap of sense.

Why is everyone labeling each other? What's the point?

I think that people label themselves so they can feel they fit in somewhere. But, someone can like to wear black, but be preppy. Why can't we have a mixture without them becoming outcasts? It seems that the biggest fault of high-school. You're either in a click or you're an outcast. It seems Zeus, Poseidon, and I are all in this group that's outside of the normal groups. Even in our own little click nobody can accept somebody to be different, to be outside of the box.

I'm a high function autistic who never wants to have sex, at least not at this current part of life, while people my age are having children. I'm not your normal average human. I can't stand condiments or sports. I suck at video games, but I'm a very creative soul. I'm obsessed with music to a point where I'm spending any money I get on it and Sims 4. I'm my own person and I don't belong to any labels because nothing will ever perfectly fit me. I'm unique and so is everyone else in the world. Labels don't truly exist.

The Last of the First

It's been a little while since I've last blogged and I blame it on my boring summer. For most of my summer I literally laid under the covers in my bed playing Sims. I didn't even get to see Zeus until yesterday and I'm worrying I'm on the nerve of outgrowing my best - and only - friend. Or perhaps I've outgrown school all together and are ready for it and the stress to end. It's the was the last of first days.

The first big bad thing is I have to take two maths this year, and it's really upsetting because I don't know Algebra 1 core information so struggling with both Geometry and Algebra 2 will be a true challenge. I understand why people drop out their senior year now. It all boils down to the stress that's put on us that really wrecks our lives. If we make one big mistake it's all over and I'm nothing, but mistakes.

The second plot twist is we're losing our house and it looks like our next "home," will be an abandoned boat shop. It's not that I'm not thankful for someone allowing us to live in a shop for a cheap price, but.. really? I'm supposed to just be completely okay with this huge downgrade and expect to remain sane after spending every waking hour without any privacy? Because that's the life I'm about to live.

I don't mean to come off rude, but I'm angry at the world right now. I feel like the odds are stacked against me and my only chance now is to leap off that edge I'm ever so being pushed towards and accept my fate of living on disability without any chance at a job, a relationship, or friends. I don't even know if I want any of those things anymore, all I want is to find my dark corner of the world and conceal myself in it.

This story can go many ways, but everyone has a destiny and mine is to fall through the cracks into the forgotten abyss. And, it's making me furious that after all my hard work of making it through school, fighting back the hallucinations, and forcing myself through every day of life pretending that I'm okay... for what? I don't understand what the point is anymore if all I'm meant to do is disappear anyway.

This may be the last of the first, but it's also the first of my last days. I'm not going to commit suicide. Ever. I don't believe that I should cheat this game called life, it goes against my morals. But, that doesn't mean I'm not sure that I'll eventually get myself killed. It's only a matter of time before one accident turns deadly.

Under the Covers

As a writer I have hundreds of character choices, especially now that I'm merging all my stories into one universe. Life has a lot of characters too, but like all books character leave and character die. As Reed and many others step out of my life I have to accept that new character will always enter it. I'd like to imagine that one day I will take a car with four other people on my way to see Virus and all the top friends I had along the way.

Zeus is an obvious choice as he's my best and only remaining friend that I've actually met in real life. As Reed steps out of my life possibly forever, I can't help but choose him as my second member of the team. Reed is currently in training for the army, for what appears to be a permanent goodbye. I really liked him and he helped me come out of my shell a little.

My step sister, Mist, is a choice I don't think I could survive without as despite it all she's been there for my up and downs over the years. In a previous blog entry I mentioned how letting her go would allow her to return to us. But, it seems she's plenty happy with her boyfriend so I'll continue to wish her the best. Mist promised me she would show up for my graduation so I'm hoping that to be true, unless something comes up.

Ra's is a friend I had before I switched back to my preferred high-school and now lives a couple of hours away. He loved superheroes as much as I did perhaps even more. I nicknamed him off of a DC character he made fun of. Sadly when we both switched to different schools we fell out of touch and I'm afraid to say he falls under the "never to see again," category.

Last, but not least is my second friend I ever made. Inkie was my first ever real friend, he even got me to play kickball outside. Which is two things I rarely ever do. I saw him the other-day, but he's a completely different person and I didn't have the nerve to talk to him let alone ask him to come with me across the country.

Sadly none of them will be traveling with me to see Virus, because I can't afford to do the trip at all. My parents can't even afford our house that we're about to lose. I seriously don't want to move for a ninth time in three years. So until things become normal again I'm going to hide under my covers and pretend the world isn't falling apart around me. Come get me when the great Senior War is over and resolved.

Forever Summer

Devastation. The reason my posting has decreased over the past few months is nothing ever happens in the summer, nothing big enough that I haven't already written about. That's the thing about summer, it seems to go on and on being the boring empty pit it always is. It reminds me of the life I'll be living if it turns out my mental disorders keep me from working and I end up living on disability only staying in the comfort of my house where the demons can't reach me. A forever summer.

Right now we're at the part of the movie where everything looks devastating, the part where everything looks grim.  That game over moment. At this moment Reed is in training for the army and out of my life forever. My trip to Virus has been trampled on by hundreds of imaginary flying purple elephants until it's hanging on by a thread. Gem is currently telling me all about a mysterious cyst on her brain that could be more serious then I want it to be, even though I ended our friendship doesn't mean I don't care about her. And... Zeus is still Zeus.

Now is the time, my Senior year, to change all of that. I have to do something big in the upcoming year other then the usual plot devices. Such as trying to revive the school newsletter, going a few clubs, and working on the yearbook. I have to do something huge. I have to change the direction of my story. It won't be easy, but it's time to pick up the pen and get writing.

My Dark Corner

This flame is all that's left of my will to move forward, it's my strength in the powerful darkness, able to stay bright in the darkest of days. Like, fire I spread through people's lives burning down what they used to know. I make life difficult for a lot of people, but they love me and wouldn't have it any other way. If only it was their choice. After I graduate I plan on finding a dark corner of the world and hiding there.

I doubt I'll ever be able to hold onto a job of any kind due to all my quirks. I also seem to destroy everything I touch. If I touch someone else's flame I'll accidentally put it out. If someone's life was in my hands I might not be in time to save them. Actually, I may stand there and watch them die depending on the person. Proving my darkness is increasing.

My feeling of someone going to die, that feeling of dread, has turned into a desire to see who it'll be. I'm still afraid of losing someone I love, but I'm more curious then anything. Wondering if somebody dies if that means it was by Jason's hand? With thoughts like that, and Jason's evil plans, I have little choice but to find my dark corner to live in.

Right now I'm on a path I cannot avoid, I cannot turn back. Senior year is going to be a hectic ride that terrifies me most. I've switched schools at least seven times in the past few years and finally I get to graduate beside my best friend before moving on my way to see Virus. It feels like the perfect ending, and that's the ending I want everyone to see. The one where I get to live a short, but happy life that ends with me going on the greatest adventure I'll ever experience. That's where this story should end, don't you think? A nice happy ending for everyone to enjoy. The perfect ending is in the works. The one I'm willing to tell anyway.

...And They All Lived Happily Ever After

He's planning something. Something big. 

Like, I have said in the start of this blog, my life is  like a TV show. Now we enter the season finale with lots of cliffhangers hanging in the air. No, nobody was shot, but it certainly builds up for the final season. It appears like everyone has the potential for a happily ever after expect for me. We have our kickers and our bomb shells of course, but the main plot that seems to be hanging over me is how everyone is parting ways.

It started with news that is a pretty huge secret that I'm unsure if I can keep for the next few months. It got me thinking about how everyone seems to be leaning towards their endings. Even I have some big adventures coming with this final season that I never deemed possible. It appears I really will be able to go see Virus next summer and along with meeting the perfect girl for me along the way. She's perfect, but that's if she is who she claims. Now let's get into those cliffhangers.

My baby brother is deaf in one ear and in six weeks will be undergoing a sugary that my mom is terrified by. He'll be under for at least six hours... It's a risk I'm not happy taking. But, I know he'll make it through alright, because it wraps up my Mom and Step Dad's plot as they just crossed their fifth anniversary.

How about that really big news I'm not supposed to tell, that's already been spilled through town? It seems my father is getting remarried and running off into the sunset in only three months. He'll return to watch me graduate and then after graduation I go with him for two weeks. Another person stepping out my life is Reed as he goes off to the army, soon to be followed by my cousin who is entering the air force.

Those aren't the kicker though, the kicker is what I have decided must be done for everyone to have a happily ever after. If I keep this up much longer my big secret of Jason will be revealed to the world and my family won't ever accept or understand me again. It's a ticking time bomb. I mentioned Jason to a friend online and they suggested an exorcism or for me to master my inner demon taking full force of my intuitive abilities. That was only after Jason has declared all war one me since I didn't deliver my baby brother's vessel to him so he could possess it before my seventeenth birthday.

Perhaps... I'm losing it. Perhaps, Jason is more real then we could ever have imagined. And, he's planning something. Something big. I'm sure Senior year will be hectic enough with me trying to find out how I'll survive - when I can't even tie my own shoes - in a world where my panic attacks will get me committed not to mention fired from a job.

I don't have much choice with what I'm doing after Senior year. That summer I'm taking a road-trip to see my Dad and one with my best friend Zeus to see Virus. I may get to meet the girl of my dreams on the way. If this was what I wanted I wouldn't have worked so hard to fight it. After summer of 2016 I will find myself a dark corner of the world and hide. It's too keep them safe from the inner demons inside me, and maybe I'll learn to control them on the way.

Roadblocks

Everything is rounding itself together for a final send off, as graduation grows near. My greatest dreams - and my worst fears - are all directly in front of me. The question to ask is which are the roadblocks? If I follow my writing dream, my dream to to open up a glass storm becomes impossible. I can't have both cakes.

 Right now after I ended my friendship with Gem she tells me the brain-scan has finally come back, something we've been waiting on for weeks, and she has a sort of brain tumor. I now have this new roadblock as I decided if I have to believe her or not? The thing with my breakup with Gem is she didn't seem too bothered by it, and she apologized for having to message me about this emergency. What am I expected to do? If I ignore this, aren't I the bad guy? But, if it's another trap then I'm playing to be a fool.

Meanwhile I found the perfect girl for me in almost every way, except she lives closer to Virus then me. Together our relationship wouldn't worry about human contact or romantic gestures so much. Imagine Sheldon and Amy from the Big Bang Theory. She's more of a jerk freak, I'm more or less as well, but most of my quirks come from my autistic features I've seen pictures of her, and for the first time I found somebody pretty. Actually pretty. We agreed if I'm ever in the area we should meet up, which I will be come next summer.

 Roadblocks keep us from our goals, from our destiny. But, friends are the ropes that allows us to climb them. If it wasn't for Virus I wouldn't have a chance meaning this girl who we'll call Fate. Or the fact an online friend lives closer to me then I thought, in fact they live in a town I spent eight days in a mental ward in because I was being told by Jason to kill myself. Something that he later told me was to better me, and in the end it did. It brought my mom and grandmother who went on not talking for a year to being friends again. If I think about it a little more Jason is like a rope of his own, except he's the broken one you can't trust.

That One About Boy Bands

Okay so- like what? This blog post is a little different from our normal posts here, as it's been getting a little dark I thought it was about time we spice things up. I'll start with the fact that I should be able to listen to Big Time Rush despite that they're a "kids band," or that it's "gay," to listen to them. Since when do I start carrying what people think? If I want to listen to pirate music or the Pokemon theme song a couple hundred times then I can.

Music is music.

Since when did we get on this basis that only certain types of people are allowed to listen to certain types of music? Am I not allowed to listen to both alternative rock and pop? A few years ago my step dad told me that I was listening to "girly," music. Like... what? What even is girly music? Back then I wanted to be more manly, but now all I want is to be able to listen to music. I'm talking about those songs you love, but are supposed to hate here folks.

Music is music.

My friend Zeus taught me something when he was listening to music I was told wasn't gender equal. There he is listening to this song in front of his girlfriend and they both are really enjoying it. I realized that music is music, my step dad was wrong, and I can listen to some Ross Lynch without being stereotypical, "gay," which is actually still a possibility, but I'm leaning towards asexual.

Music is music.

I like Big Time Rush and I'm proud of it. They have some really neat music and their show is extremely funny. For the first time I'll actually tell you what to do, because this one is important. If not the most important. So go listen to whatever you want, watch whatever you want, be you. Don't let stereotypes stop you.

All Goes To Hell

It's all going to hell guys, all of it. My best friend is being sucked down a dark road, my mother is falling deep into the family tree of insanity, the days of my demon voice's undertaking are underway, our car broke down, and graduation is a year away. It couldn't get much worse then this, other then the fact my intuition seems to be increasing in power allowing me to either be living in some illusion or getting more powerful. What does it all mean? It means that when I take my chair as Senior tomorrow, the end begins and with it everything goes to hell.

Now as I enter my final year of high-school I feel the corruption finally sinking into me. I'm slowly getting ready to sign that contract and make a deal with the devil. If I could have anything, but at the cost of my good will. My very soul. Is it worth it? What would I ask for in that one-no-take-backs-request? If everything is going to hell anyway, then why not take that deal? I could easily sign that contact on the dotted line, shake the devils hand, and get anything I wanted.

Since I don't believe much for religion I shouldn't believe in Satan, but I do. Not in the sense that everyone imagines the king of the underworld. But, as a feeling. You can feel like hell, you can feel evil. So it only makes sense that you would feel a combination of the two. At this moment I feel both like a terrible person, but for some reason I'm enjoying it, oh, so wonderfully. It makes me wonder what it says about me if I won't go to Gem's house or give her a proper chance, but I'll go thousands of miles for Virus.

At this point in my life I'm at a crossroad, well a thirteen path road, and until I choose a proper path I'm stuck with a demon stalking me. A crossroads demon. It's trying to get me to make that deal, to preform it's requests in return for my own enjoyment. For the people I love's safety or it'll hurt them all. It's happened when I refused to do Jason's wishes. People get hurt, people get hurt badly. It makes me wonder if he has amazingly perfect timing or if he's the one causing the accidents.

Am I simply Jason's puppet, his play toy? It's a terrifying thought to wonder if my own actions, my own personality, is mine at all. All I want to do is write my story and play Pokemon, but now I have to watch my back of his evil plan. The hallucinations are getting worse, things are starting to warm up with tension, and we're all playing deep into his trap. It doesn't matter wither he's real or not. It matters what I decide. Either way I'm stuck dealing with the strings attached to my back. I just don't know who's pulling them. Who has control of all my actions. To decide if it's me or someone else is when everything crumbles. When everything goes to hell.

Reset

Haven't we done this before? No seriously, I'm sure these plots are trapped in a forever loop doomed to be redone. Every big event in my life has happened twice, but with different outcomes. Like, some sick version of Déjà vu except it isn't just the feeling this has happened before. It really has happened before. They say that history repeats itself, that's why we study it, and maybe the education for once was right.

I have ended up at the same school twice where I will graduate. With five schools in between that seems like an unlikely odd I'd end up where the story started. With a mixture of new and old friends or enemies at my side I can't help, but wonder if the same events are happening again. It was then that I came to the conclusion that Gem has put me through this before.

Another example is my mother being taken away from me twice, for the same crime. After she stole money from the place she was working at she was put away for five months, but a few years later she was sentenced for nine more, but spent five months in an actual prison. Is is just me or are coincidences really annoying?

But, what if things aren't just doing over, but resetting completely? Jason, the voice in my head, has always said that things would end where they started. As of a few weeks ago my cousins have revamped their first house somehow moving back to it, because the bank messed up and never took it out of their name. Now they own it. It's odd, how things work out, isn't it?

Everything is slowly falling back into place that is a mirror of the day I started telling my story. No, not starting this blog. But, when Jason appeared. When I first started to hear him he did say everything would end where it would begin. Except things aren't ever going to be the same especially after this past year. As Jason has put it, me meeting Virus and my baby brother have drastically changed the story.

The way he puts it we've done this fourteen times over, but we always mess it up and never separate from each other. Except in this timeline I wasn't meant to meet Virus, apparently she changes everything and if you think about it she did. If it wasn't for her writing would have just been a phase, but now it's a career choice. Or if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be on my way to see her or actually consider New York.

The thing with this is from the start Jason said the girl with black hair would be mine, and her, undoing. The girl with black hair doesn't have to be Virus though.. it could be Gem, my cousin, or my mother for all I know. All three of them are driving me nuts and play a huge part in my story that pushes me more towards the darkness. It's because of my cousin that I got myself very sickly drunk, my mother going to prison showing me the corruption in the world, and my own family, as well as likily passing the family mental illness onward, and Gem for making me seem like the bad guy. I guess I just could really use that reset, so I hold onto it.

The L.A. Trap

Sometimes a tree you thought was dead may actually come back to life. It's a weird sensation, sometimes it can be an uprooted dream or it can be a worse nightmare. Or both. In this case I somehow accidentally got Gem to think I'm heading off to live in L.A. with her after graduation and still have failed to end our friendship despite my many attempts. She's a good person, but we don't work and I can't do this anymore.

But, what if I can't say no? It's like our trip to the zoo, obviously I didn't want to go, but I didn't tell her to last minute. Will I really wait all the way up to graduation to tell her I'm not going to L.A. or will she somehow suck me into going? According to all her friends and cousins she is madly in love with me.  For some reason this girl has got her hands eloped around me in a vicious motion without realizing she even has a grip. When I'm around her I just bubble down to a shell of my former self, perhaps out of fear knowing I need to kill this friendship in the back?

How do you even end a friendship? Whenever the moment of truth comes out she'll throw something like, "We're great friends!" or tell me about some family member that's hurt. Sometimes I feel like she's manipulating me. But, she wouldn't do that... right? I used to have hope that everyone was a good person, that no bad existed in our world, but slowly that has rotted away. I used to trust that Gem wouldn't betray me like that, but that's gone.

Is it possible she isn't aware she's doing it? When someone attaches to you they can get way too involved. Like, how a stalker will stalk their victims without realizing it's wrong or how you may starting petting an animal without even thinking about it. Or is it that what I feel is manipulation is really just a form a friendship? So far from what I've seen it's becoming more of an obsession for her, something I'm afraid of interrupting.

The new proublem that has made me rewrite this blog is that she's actually threatening me, and even hurting me if I'm not doing exactly what she wants. It reminds me of the first time we danced this dance. Everyone keeps telling me she's madly in love with me. I'm worried she's becoming so obsessed that she'll hurt someone if I end this friendship. Still, I don't deserve to suffer.

The second thing is she's buying my love, or trying to anyway, but making and buying me things I have mentioned. Just because I say a want a dragon doesn't mean you have to make me one. It's sweet and a nice gesture, but I wouldn't do the same. I don't feel I know her very well while she seems to know everything about me. Even if its wrong.

All I can say is this friendship has taken it's turn, it's taken enough hits that I feel terrible just being around her. I feel bad that I feel bad about feeling bad, and that makes me feel bad. I'm the good guy, but now I have to turn around and do a bad thing. It's the first of many, I know it. Darkness is inevitable. Part of growing into an adult is learning that darkness was there from the start to finish. But, I don't want to realize that this world isn't what I originally saw in it's glory. In this real world nobody cares about me, I'm a nobody and will always be one. But, is that so bad?

Endgame

Right now I'm having something I call; a Senior crisis. As next year will be my last year of high-school and I have zero idea what I'm doing with my life. What classes to take, what clubs should I join, what should I do? Never in my life have I ever had a choice of what classes to take, or even what school to go to. But, now I have that choice and I have no idea how to make them. I just want help, but I'm about to become an adult. I'm about to enter endgame. I need to grow up and make my own choices.

That doesn't help me make them. It's difficult, most of the classes don't make any sense. It took me all day to find out what "drafting," was. Now I have a few days to compile all the information required to choose my final classes possibly forever. As much as I want to go to New York University, time is not on my side. It's just not easy choosing knowing each will sculpt me into the person of tomorrow.

Endgame is a scary thing, it's the end, it's that book finally being closed. It's not like I'm turning the page, or changing the chapter. I'm changing the entire novel. New place, new people, new location, new plots. By this time next year I will be about to embark on a quest across America to meet Virus in person. Before leaving off to New York to enroll into NYU and begin the life I feel I was destined to do. But, with every ending comes a twist.

Somebody is going to die. I can feel it, it started a year ago getting stronger and stronger. I can imagine all the people in Jason's web he could hurt, all the people I wouldn't expect, and all the obvious ones such as my accident prone father. The thing is it's almost destiny, I had a recurring dream back when I was younger of my step brother murdering my father in cold blood and years later the moment was nearly recreated except poor papa Piper had a heart attack.

That's what really worries me - what is Jason's plan that is so close to unfolding? It doesn't matter if he's real or fake It depends on what I decide, and I'm not ready to make that choice. In the end if he's real, he's been real this whole time, but if not then I'm crazy. My choice will never change that fact of life no matter the outcome. But, if Jason is real then I can't help but worry what he's been up to this entire time of flowing through my brain.

That brings up a whole new addition, the future isn't what I'm afraid of. It's the present becoming the past. Once this moment is gone I know I'll never get it back. My choices don't really matter if they're swapped away before I get to make them. This entire month was never about me begging to skip, it's never about me wanting to pause the moment, it's never about me wanting to go back. It's all about me wanting to live the moments. Why make a choice if it results in nothing? Don't worry about tomorrow, worry about losing today. This moment, is the best moment, because it's still here.

Charizard to the Present!

This entire month I been talking about time stopping, pausing, and fast forwarding. I mentioned the future, the past, but never the present. Currently, I just finished the greatest project I was ever part of; Shrek the Musical. My step dad changed jobs, my step sister has returned to live with us for a few weeks and possibly the entire summer, and I made plans with Reed, Zeus, and Gem which made me realize something. In the mix of everything I had forgotten about my Pokemon, having fun, and overall my Charizard.

I wish I could say I had time now, but with homework, writing projects, and friends in my life I don't have much time at all. I could always wait twenty or so days until school is over, but there is one huge proublem with that. It's the future. With that attitude I couldn't ever get anything done. If I keep pushing things off to tomorrow they'll never become today. How in the world do I change that?

I could just play. It's almost crazy to think about dropping everything I'm supposed to do, but in reality all those things I'm supposed to do are things I can do tomorrow. That leaves me at another dilemma. If I push those tasks to tomorrow, I won't get them done today. Now I'm stuck, because there isn't any way for me to get everything done in one small single day. So that leaves me with little options but to do what I always do. 

I could do nothing, nothing at all. Instead of  doing some of what I want, some of what I need, all of what I want, or all of what I need.. I usually end up doing none of the above. My poor little Charizard doesn't get his tummy rubbed yet again, his little tail eventually burning out after nine years of trying to keep it's fire alive. Poor, Poor Charizard. What choice do I make? Play it or do nothing? It will greatly impact the sake of my poor Charizard. 

Luckily, for me there is a third option. I choose priorities. I take what I need to do today, and what I want to do today. Everything else is okay to put off until I have more time or it becomes more important. So I can write, do some homework that's due, and then turn around and play some good ole Pokemon! Because, if I don't my Charizard will be lost in tomorrow forever. I think I'm done living in the past or living in the future. The present needs me more after all. 

Gathering of the Generation

I have completed the two shows of the musical at my school as I helped work backstage, and my mess ups weren't a big deal. I did have a couple panic attacks almost bailing on the show completely. It was the first time I've ever done anything with that much pressure. One single mistake could ruin the entire show and while we did make some nobody really noticed. Not even my sister who is back in town for the next few weeks and will be sleeping on our couch. It appears as if her sister will also be coming down for this summer and possibly the school year. That sister is hundreds of miles away and she's coming all the way here.

Is this the gathering of our generation? Or at the very least people I know. By the end of next summer, not the one coming up, I will have seen all the people who were ever "main characters," which brings up a completely new situation. This story seems to end in New York which I plan to go to after visiting Virus after graduation. I feel as if everything is building up for something like some master plan.

Either way, it's just really cool to have a group of friends. Carlos, Reed, Zeus, Gem, Virus, and some of their friends could be called mine as well. Never have I imagined so many new characters - as well as old ones - to be surrounding me and making up this story I call my life. It's funny now that I look around, I stopped acting like me and started to be pied piper and now I have friends and have fun! Now that's magic.

 If you noticed I left Gem in there, I been eating lunch with her and while a relationship is out of the question I don't feel I should kill our friendship. I needed reminding that it's okay to relax and have a few laughs with friends even if it means abandoning other ones. The proublem with Gem is she isn't always on my level of understanding things, especially my sense of humor, yet she can handle my autistic quirks the best. Somehow Gem can tame my inner duck, and I'd be a fool to let that waddle away.

Twenty days remain until I end Junior year, entering the summer leading up to my final year of high-school. I have almost no idea what I'm going to do with my life. For the past ten years or so I wanted to be an author for a published book, preferably by time I was sixteen. Well, here I am and no story has been successfully written. It's that that started to give me doubts, but when a teacher I had for a Media Arts class asked the class, "Why are you here? If this isn't what you want, why are you here?" and at that moment I realized I didn't want this. In the case I change my mind let's not burn down that tree yet.

I had a friend a while back who reminded me that I shouldn't use my thoughts to follow me, I should trust myself a bit more. To follow my emotions lead me to the realization that while I love writing it's not what I want my career to be. But, in that mix I also came to the conclusion I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I only know who I want to be. Luckily, my friends or this entire generation doesn't have a clue either so it's okay. I'll figure it out, with my friends by my side, because that's what they're there for.

Countdown

Waiting, is a terrible feeling to experience especially when it's a few days before a big show that will greatly alter the ending of the story. With time ticking down I can't help but ponder on what could possibly go wrong, then I wake up in the middle of the night with a sore throat. Like, bad sore throat. Not so much that I couldn't do the show, but more to where I need to be sure not to get the rest of the cast sick. For once in my life I don't want to "wait for it," I want to get it on the road and drive this puppy home.

There are plenty of other things going on that cross with this plot, so many side story lines that could take the lead. Like, my father having a tooth surgery tomorrow, Reed about to graduate, Gem and I still being friends despite my attempts, Virus planning my visit, and Zeus dating a new girl who I've yet to meet up close, but she seems nice from online. Not to mention all the mental stability quirks I have that seem to only be getting much worse as I'm sleeping less and working more with the backstage drama class.

I know I've covered that pausing and skipping is not only impossible, but unwise. Except in this case I know what happens in the future and while I don't want to skip over it, because it'll be a memorable moment for me, I do want to fast forward to it. I don't want to wait for this sickness to pass. I just don't want to wait for tonight to pass. For tomorrow to drag on by. Knowing what happens next makes waiting for it so much more difficult.

Time is ticking down on me, my wasted seconds are being eaten away, but instead it feels as if time is stopping to pee on each and every piece of grass. Why does time slow down? Things seem to speed up when you're having fun, but slow down when you're waiting on something? Wouldn't that prove that time is simply an illusion of our minds connected to our mental and emotional state? So does time exist at all?

That's something you have to ask yourself, something I can't figure out on my own. It's more of an opinion based question as it's impossible to test. All I know is I have a countdown over my head ticking down at the slowest pace possible and while I may want it to speed up once it's here I'll wish to go back. I get the feeling after this show goes up in flames, likily because of me, all I want to do is rewind.

The Thirteen Trees

Remember a few weeks back when I said I only have nine possible endings to my story? I lied, there are actually thirteen trees. Imagine an forest that has thirteen trees of different colored leaves with hundreds of branches branching off of each, which branch into other branches, colliding with each other. All the other trees in the forest are dead or burned not connecting to anything but the ground. Those thirteen trees are surrounding me, you, us, and we have to pick a path but we keep getting pushed back and forth.

The problem is once we pick or fate picks for us there isn't any turning back, the ground and the remaining trees will be engulfed in the flames. All we could do is climb as high as we could until either reaching the top or fall to the ever so written demise. All we can do is try our very best to take the future we want most all while conciser if we could survive that climb. If we, if I, can survive any of them.

A few years back Jason had me stay up late so I could draw a picture of trees and it was the only thing I've ever drawn that looks good. It showed at least twenty paths but he told me that each one would die until only a few remained. By the next morning I would find the notebook to be missing all together where I would have never find it again. I did find a red notebook like it two years later but it was empty. So I'm going to look at all my possible endings that I didn't already mention;

The Dead End 

Perhaps, I'm meant to work at a photo studio or a teacher like my mother always wanted for herself. So I get a job, but it's not what I want in life and I'm never happy. Even if I get something to do with writing or even if I come to enjoy my work I'd be stuck. This ending isn't so bad though, it has it's advantages. I don't mind being a controlled rat running miles for the cheese at all! No, I want to be a puppet with super glued strings.

The Sixth Sense

In my first post in this blog I mentioned the word "mystic," but I never followed up on what it was about. Basically sometimes I know things I very well shouldn't usually from the words of Jason, but sometimes almost like common knowledge. In this ending I don't only develop that possibly impossible gift, but I use it to become a prophet like I explained in "Skip, Skip," but if it's correct I'm pretty sure I either get my head bashed in or die eating some really cheesy pizza when I'm in my forties.

The Wild Card 

This is that one where everything turns out to be a time traveling conspiracy or when aliens are taking over the world. It's that ending that doesn't make sense, but turns out to be true. The ones that don't have any evidence to back up, for example the "Tale Time Traveling Jacket," is a wild card. But, Jason is backed up on proof that I can prove to others so he isn't a wild card. From now on I'll start a WC series debunking all the weird things that happen to me as a wild card or evidence. If this ending happens I'd do flips backwards.

The New York Conspiracy

It appears my cousin, my best friend Zeus, Reed, and even Virus all have plans to venture through New York city around the same time I do. To me that very concept seems fixed, as these numbers that are everywhere in my life are the zip-code. How long with seven eighteen haunt me? This ending is the most likily then any of the other thirteen because it's what I want. Not for the answers. Not for Jason's will. Not for my friends. Because, it's destiny and you can't avoid destiny.

The End

No matter which path my story takes it will still be the end, even if all of the above happens. All of the trees could burn down leaving room for a tree with every path. I could become an author, visit Virus, and go to NYU while developing a psychic energy. Endings are hard though, hard to get just right. Through graduation and turns of events it seems like every character in my little tale will be in the same place at the same time. Whatever my fate is - destiny is at play.

Case of the Quirky Duck

Quack, quack, quack, quack.

What's that? You don't speak duck? Me either, but I do speak quirks almost professional. It's a mixture of my High Function Autism and my newly diagnosed Bipolar traits. When I was told both of those things I shivered in my feathers. Just the fact that something was actually wrong with me threw me for a curve ball. In fact when the autism came up I waddled back and forth for hours pacing.

This is what keeps me from doing what I want - even going to New York may lead to complications despite the destiny involved. So far working backstage on Drama has been a killer as I'm barely able to stay useful all while worrying about breaking things, again. If it wasn't for me being one of the only stage crew to regularly show up I'm sure they would have fired me. It doesn't seem like I'll be able to hold down a serious job much like my father or grandmother. I'll need to be on disability if I ever want to pay the bills.

Most of my flaws boil down to when I'm around other people, I don't do well in flocks but I'm better on a one on one. If I'm alone with someone we can become good friends but if others are around I'm awkward and nervous. If you got to know me I would be able to tell the appropriate jokes at the appropriate time. At least I would try to, but when in a group it doesn't work out the same way. I'm also much better with drakes then normal ducks as explains my complicated relationship with Gem.

Despite my flaws though, and there are a lot of them, there are still a lot of good qualities about me. I'm clever, friendly, clean, respectful, helpful, good at writing, brilliant with ideas, and when it comes down to it I'm reliable. Even though I'm not handling everything right now somehow it'll all turn out okay. As the clock for the show ticks down things will heat up but according to the my history they won't go up in flames. I'll explain, let me tell you a little tail.

Once upon a time in the big pond of a dangerous city fate was at play. As it turns out my step father had the smart idea of cutting down a tree without telling anyone he was out there. If it wasn't for me being called out there by Jason's wishes my step dad would have likily died that day. When the branch came down, trapping him underneath, I acted. Normally I wouldn't even touch a tree avoiding the texture and germs it would give off but here I didn't think I just did. Luckily a year later he was able to help create a beautiful duckling. It's almost as if Jason had caused the accident for his own plans, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here we'll get to that.

All I'm saying is when things come down to it, I follow through. Not always with my stories, my chores, or even remembering to eat but if the stakes were high enough I'm sure I'd write that book, clean the house, or eat an entire buffet. So when the play comes around, despite my flaws, I'm sure I'll figure it out. Even if I have to take over for Reed as I'm now his understudy. Time is running short on that one.

Time is always running out, especially now, as I have five days until I have to step up to the plate and swing hoping for a home run. Or kick that ball through the hoop or throw the not-so-pig-skin throw the broken fork. Yeah, I don't know much about about sports. Point is I may be duck, falling on my beak due to my webbed feet but in the end I'll stand up and I'll soar higher then I ever have flown before. In five days I will wobble across stage and flip those panels. In five months I will begin my Senior year where I will graduate no matter what. In five years I will have published my first book or be finishing up college. Within these past five minutes I have crafted and solved the greatest mystery of all time, I solved the case of the quirky duck.

Skip, Skip

There I was in the moment to end my friendship with Gem when it happened. The same thing happened when I arrived at dress rehearsal only to find the rest of stage crew failed to arrive, after only my first week, I was put to the test. It happened before when a tree had fallen onto my step dad nearly killing him. All those moments were skipped into one small second that seems to have slipped away from my grasp. In my last blog I learned I couldn't travel back into time - or even freeze the moment - but nobody said I couldn't use one more skip card?

Come my graduation year I will be heading towards my destiny, wherever it lies. So much will be happening that I can't even comprehend it all. For one I'll be starting up a club, trying to anyway, that's for writing at school. Secondly, I'm started to work on a big project that involves taking my favorite characters and story lines from past stories combining them into one big story. Thirdly, I'm trying to re-sing all the quirky songs I've come up with over the years but sense I'm a terrible singer it'll be for people I know close or maybe I'll post it on here. Finally, Zeus and I are going to be heading to visit Virus a few days after graduation passes.

So it makes sense why I would want to fast forward through all the complications I been dealing me lately. In the future I won't have to worry about the future because it'll be the future. At least that's what I want to think. The truth is this moment right now was once the future I so forth worried about. The only difference is I know what happens now but I won't know about next week or next month. So let's skip this entire scene, let's not chicken out or mess up in Drama anymore.

To the future!

Finally here at my Senior and final year of High Schools! It's been a crazy ride to get here but I sure am glad it's finally reaching it's end. I have begun a group at writing school I call "Spirit's Fire," and it's really hit off! At least seven people have already signed up so it looks like it'll be a big hit. I've already neared finishing my music collection, and my huge big story is way ahead of plan. So much so I could start it now. I even started going to the gym over the summer so I'm so much more in shape. The best part is I have all my friends beside me. 

Except, I don't. Zeus has become pretty serious with this girlfriend of his that he barely has any time for me even during school hours. Reed is currently off  working on his training duties for the United States Army. Gem has switched to a career tech school and no longer wants anything to do with me. Carlos hasn't been the same sense the innocent he experienced over the summer. And, HP doesn't seem to return my messages. 

With my all other activities taking over I haven't been able to keep up with my schoolwork and started to fall behind. I'm on the urge of giving up now that I have to take gym this upcoming semester. Something I've weaseled myself out sense seventh grade. Now I'm being told I don't have enough credits to graduate at all... This future isn't far enough to reach my happy ever after. 

To the future!

Today is the day I been working towards all my life, the day I graduate. Sitting in the crowd are my parents, all my siblings, my grandmother, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, my cousins, and sitting way in the back is my father with a proud smile planted on his face. Zeus standing not far from me in his own red robe giving me a thumbs up as my name is called. Even Reed has taken a break from his army training to watch me grab that diploma. Everyone I care about is here watching the moment my life takes a drastic leap.

Just a few days later I traveled half way across the country to find Virus with my best friend Zeus and his fiance. After the long bus ride we stay in a hotel that night, watching funny movies, and being the three musketeers we're always meant to be. Come morning we each greet Virus at long last but it takes a while to get over the nervous tension. When it's all over we go out to eat before testing jelly and jello to see if they're similar.

After a week we return home to find a trip to New York awaiting us where I sign up to go to NYU. It's then that my favorite people I've met over the years, my greatest friends, all move in around me and go to similar schools within the city. But, then we all become so busy that we barely see each other. It's then that Zeus is drastically hit by a bus leaving him paralyzed. This future isn't as good as I thought it would be... let's speed it along.

To the future!

It's been a few months sense college started to go south and I was forced to drop out. Virus had to return back home because she said I was holding her back. It's been two years and Zeus is still unable to fully move his body. The thing is I knew this would happen from visions back when I was a child so this is completely my fault. There was only one thing I could possibly do now; I shaved my head and began to live as a non-religious monk.

It was then that my psychic abilities came in full throttle and I was able to become a prophet. But, problems persisted when nobody believed my visions until it was far too late. Then, they blamed me for the disasters that followed. I wasn't just friendless but now I was on the run from the law so I had to do something. I let Jason, the voice in my head, take control and what he did with it is out of my realm of possibility. A mixture of destiny and insanity. Because, it's then that I lost all commission. The future is a dark place, can we go back?

To the past!

Second guessing things here guys, perhaps the future isn't all it's cracked up to be? It'll still have it's own problems and complications. I'll still be waiting for the future until at one point I will beg to return to this exact moment. This wasted moment that I'm using by sitting here typing a blog nobody will read while a fan blows onto my face. Wasting away my Saturday instead of working on any of my senior plans. Instead of working on my skip I'll remain in the present enjoying this wasted moment. 

Tale of the Time Traveling Jacket

The future is a dark and scary place but in the end we all know that we're heading towards some sort of future, as time is always moving forward. Unless time isn't all that simple, if time is simply an object of our imagination or something that we can alter. Throughout my life I have undergone many struggles, never having the capability to make any of my own decisions but now was the moment of where everything and everyone was waiting on me to make a choice. Now is the time full of both the good and bad. For now I just need to hit that big pause button. 

Currently the voice in my head and I are for the first time ever at a temporary truce in the middle of our war, which he is currently winning. If this continues he will either break my remaining bricks of sanity or force his way into the real world wrecking havoc in his mists.

Secondly, Gem and I sort of have plans tomorrow except I really don't want to go. As I started before I don't want to be with her or even continue this false friendship we have in tact. Every time I try to explain my reasoning she tells me how great of friends we are together. When morning comes I either have to suck it up and suffer or tell her the deepening truth.

The third reason is the website I'm on just nominated me member of the month. It's a huge honor but I know in sometime I'll come to mess it up. For the first time ever I have found a place where I'm truly happy, even if it exists online, but the better things seem to go the worse they have to get. If this moment was frozen forever I could always cherish it.

Next on the list is the practice show for my Drama class coming up the sixth, nobody seems prepared and my only allies involved seemed to have fallen off their rails. I don't get the impression that Zeus is as excited about the play as I had originally thought and I'm worried that he's not making the best decisions. Even if he's truly okay like he claims he still doesn't seem to want to be involved which scares me that he'll do something hectic. Not to mention that Reed has been off his game the past few days due to the teacher stressing him out past his limit.

Finally, I know I'm reaching one of those endings I described in "Cut and Finish," and eventually the end of my story. I'm not ready to face any possible closer to the book I been living all these years but eventually I'll have no choice. It's sort of scary once you look at all the possibilities and come to a concision of what you want. I know what I want guys, I want to go for it, but it just seems so far out of reach. If the universe would do me a favor and take a break for a while I would be more then pleased.

Except, it can't. Time cannot stop for one single person no matter how much we wish it can. That doesn't mean that time cannot go back though, changing something we didn't even think we could change. I have a story to share with you all about the time an object of mine traveled through time in a mind shattering moment for my tiny brain. It's the Tale of the Time Traveling Jacket!

Back in middle school I had a grey hoodie that I would wear everywhere, it was something I rarely took off and barely ever washed. Despite my obsession I would constantly lose it, leaving it behind in nearly ever class. That's where the story of the time traveling jacket started on that fateful day, heading down the hallway is when we saw it...

Let's back up for a second to a few months ahead when life was heading down a spiral of confusion. I started a innocent middle school relationship for starters, my mom had just gotten out of jail six months prior, and my father decided to drop the bombshell that he's secretly an angel. At that point in my life I believed him and I was looking for something to believe in.

All in all that could have been my reasoning behind what happened, but no matter how much sociology I try to interpret into it I still believe that this jacket had traveled through time. It seems every time I tell this little tale every one considers it as a childhood act of fiction. If that was the case I wouldn't be so obsessed with it. It's like the entire thing was plotted out against me from the beginning.

Let me explain, there was this girl I felt I had a crush on back in elementary school without realizing those feelings weren't at all what I thought, they felt like we had a connection. Sometimes we'd have the same dream, she'd tell me about it while I was all the same freaking out because it was near to exactly like mine except from her point of view. This girl was beside me in the hall that day so she'll always be important to me, even if we fell out of touch. But, I was right about the fact we had some sort of connection. Later she became my step sister for a few months, but that's a story for later.

The three of us ventured down that hall to find a small grey jacket which we quoted was much like mine, the one I was wearing at the time, and how it was a mere coincidence. As the day went on I found to have lost my poor hoodie a total of three times. When I left it in my last class of the day I ran back to get it only to find it wasn't there. I was one of the last people to leave, my teacher was still there, and he said nobody took it. Well, when I retraced all my steps I ended up finding it on that window seal. The same position it was this morning, with my name on it, but my friends didn't think it was strange at all.

For years I couldn't get it out of my head as to why that could have happened but later a similar moment happened. I discovered that music was the key and that freezing time was possible. It usually happens when I try meditating or have to wait a long time where the same song seems to play forever until an hour has passed or an event came to an end. So manipulating time is possible but it's simply an illusion of the mind. That is unless some external force is trying to toy with me in some sick game I cannot control. What if that game is simply the realization of how life works? If that's the case I have to face my past, my future, and of course my present.