I'm broken.
What if he was my glue and now the sticky web I thought I was trapped in was secretly what was holding my mental state together? I'm talking about Jason of course and ever since his defeat I have been having more and more problems. Autistic problems. Like, rocking back and forth as well as uncontrollable anger. It's like I'm holding onto all this rage and it's growing into this egg that's only days from hatching.
My rocking never stops. Ever. It's so annoying because I physically can't stop and it makes it hard to relax or concentrate. If my medication didn't make me so tired for bed I wouldn't ever be able to fall asleep. And, my anger is just getting out of control. I'm an inch from snapping at someone and it's progressively getting worse. I'm afraid of what I might do to someone if they press my buttons. I even got mad at my mom just for helping with homework. I can't stay calm.
Zeus pointed this out to me, but it's like Jason was the mask of all my problems. It's like once he died all these problems were unleashed. I could stop taking the medication to possibly get ride of the possible side effects, but at what cost? Anger might not be as bad as Jason was whom was leading me to insanity. Either way it's like I'm sitting on a bomb waiting for it to go off. It's only a matter of time before I snap. Is someone telling me to hurt people any different from lashing out? I can't decide if the cost is better then the item.
It's like once I killed Jason all these little autistic quirks they didn't think I had started coming out. I'm worried all the medication did was push these problems out that would have eventually come out anyway and now there isn't any way to push them back. All I know is if I can finish this school year life will be a whole lot easier. I decided that either the anger, rocking, or hallucinations make me unworkable. Perhaps, I'm taking the easy path, but it's the only one that I can see myself being happy. I'm afraid with my problems I'll eventually get somebody killed.
I'm broken inside. No matter the outcome I think I know where this all started. The doctors have ordered a brain scan after I told them I get massive headaches daily. Migraines even, like yesterday, and it was almost unbearable. I think now that when I hit my head when I was younger that something broke inside me. I should have got checked by a doctor, but I didn't want to and fought it. So I never got seen about it and around that time is when I started to see "ghosts," aka hallucinations. That moment in time that changed the entire direction of my story. It pains me that if I could simply change that moment it could potentially fix all my problems. All I know is that when they scan my brain I'll finally know if I'm broken inside psychically or mentally. I might be able to find out if that single moment warped my fate.
